The Sitcoms (!)

INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT

FATHER, 40s, unattractive, watches TV. We hear MOTHER enter the kitchen OS.

MOTHER
I'm home!

FATHER
Uh huh.

MOTHER
Can you help me with these groceries?

FATHER
Just a minute.

MOTHER screams; crashing sound OS.

[Laughter.]

FATHER
Y'ah OK in there?

MOTHER, 30s, attractive enters.

MOTHER
Well I think I need to go grocery shopping.

[Laughter.]

FATHER
Buy some more potato chips, would ya?

MOTHER
Look at this, there's crumbs all over the couch!

FATHER
If you had listened to me and put the trash can next to the coffee table we wouldn't have this problem.

[Laughter.]

MOTHER
We're not putting a trash can in the living room, there's enough smelly garbage in here as it is.

[Laughter; scattered applause.]

MOTHER
Can you help me clean up the mess in the kitchen?

FATHER
Come on, I just got home from work!

MOTHER
It's Saturday.

FATHER
I just got home yesterday.

[Laughter.]

MOTHER
Does it bother you that we don't communicate anymore?

FATHER
What do you mean? We're communicating. Right now, I'm communicating a desire for you to be quiet for just a little bit until a commercial break.

[Laughter.]

MOTHER
This is all so superficial! We're not talking to each other; we're talking around each other. Don't you ever feel like you need to have a real conversation with a real human being? And don't you feel like that's impossible? Don't you feel like the walls are closing in?

CU on FATHER, who reacts.

[Laughter; sustained applause.]

SON, early teens, wearing jean shorts and a bright green shirt, with long hair and a backpack enters through the front door and heads straight for the stairs.

SON
I'm home see you later.

FATHER
Wait a minute, get down here.

SON
What did I do?

FATHER
That's what I plan on finding out!

[Laughter.]

MOTHER
(turning off the TV over FATHER's objections)
You didn't do anything, your father and I just think it's important to have some family time once in a while, that's all.

SON tentatively steps back into the living room. HE stands by the stairs. MOTHER stands on the other end of the coffee table. FATHER sits impassively. Prolonged silence lasting 6-7 minutes.

SON
Well I'm going upstairs.

[Relieved laughter; enthusiastic applause.]

MOTHER throws up her hands in exasperation.

[Short extension of previous laughter.]

MOTHER
Something's wrong with our son.

FATHER
Yeah, he's a dope.

[Laughter.]

SON screams. Thud is heard OS behind the wall. MOTHER rushes to the bottom of the stairs; FATHER turns the TV back on.

MOTHER
Son? Are you OK?

SON enters through front door.

SON
There's nothing up there!

[Prolonged laughter.]

MOTHER
What do you mean, there's nothing up there?

SON
I mean the stairs just end. There's no upstairs!

FATHER
I knew that realtor was a shyster.

[Laughter.]

MOTHER
Why don't you tell us what happened today?

SON
I'm depressed because I asked a girl on a date and she said no.

MOTHER
You're depressed? Do you feel like there isn't even anything in the universe worth getting upset about because it's all flat and white and blank blank blank and you don't even have the energy to cry and you feel like it makes no difference whether you live or die so you don't look both ways crossing the street because if you get hit by a car at least there's that pain you can hold onto, that pain that's real and sweet and horrible horrible horrible?

SON
No, but I keep making this face.

SON frowns, his bottom lip protruding in a pout.

[Laughter.]

FATHER
Who is this girl?

SON
She's the prettiest girl in school. Her name is not important.

FATHER
Well there's your problem. You're never going to get a date with the prettiest girl in school. You've got to aim lower! Like I--uh.

MOTHER folds her arms and reacts.

[Laughter.]

MOTHER
(in a sudden moment of self-consciousness)
What am I doing?

[Laughter.]

DAUGHTER, late teens, stunning, enters and heads for the stairs.

DAUGHTER
I'm home see you later.

MOTHER
Wait just a second! We're having family time.

DAUGHTER
That is so lame!

[Uncontrolled laughter; rapturous applause.]

FATHER
Quiet, we're trying to help your brother. He just got rejected by the prettiest girl in school and his lip keeps protruding like that as a result.

DAUGHTER
No wonder!

[Dangerous laughter; reverent applause.]

FATHER
We're trying to help your loser brother, not crush his spirit!

[Laughter.]

FATHER
You're a girl, what would you want your brother to do if he were interested in a romantic relationship.

An uncomfortable 8-9 minute silence as everyone considers the awkward sexual implications.

[Nervous laughter.]

DAUGHTER
Oh yeah, one other thing, I wrecked the car.

FATHER
Oh, that's--you WHAT?!?

[Laughter.]

DAUGHTER
It wasn't my fault! It ran out into the road!

FATHER
What ran out into the road?

DAUGHTER
The telephone pole I hit.

[Slow-burning laughter. Some applause.]

FATHER stands up and begins waving his arms impotently.

FATHER
I am so angry! I am so angry!

MOTHER
(staring straight ahead with a dead look)
No you're not. You're not angry.

FATHER
(looking at his hands)
I want to be angry. I want to be so angry! But I'm only capable of this high-pitched, cartoonish, exaggerated outrage!

SON AND DAUGHTER
Oh boy, here we go.

[No laughter; familiar applause.]

FATHER
(wordless high-pitched whining, as if he were a baby bird learning he was capable of making noise for the first time)
Aaaaaahhhh! Aaaaahhhh! Aaaaaaaaahhh!

FAMILY begins clawing at each other's faces, clawing, clawing, watching the skin stretch, desperate to see if there is something red underneath, as they have always been told.