Ben Simpson at the pumpkin patch

"It sure is a beautiful autumn day here at this pumpkin patch."

"Sure is. Say, isn't that Ben Simpson over there?"

"Where?"

"Over there, pretending to knock that scarecrow off that chair, almost knocking that little girl behind him down in the process, because he is oblivious to everyone around him."

"Oh yeah! Look at him go!"

"And now he's cursing, even though he's surrounded by small children and their parents!"

"Hey, what are you guys looking at?"

"That's Ben Simpson over there!"

"Ben Simpson from Dreamworks?"

***

Ben is strutting through the pumpkin patch. The keys in his pocket make a sound, like, STRUT STRUT STRUT.

Ben has five keys in his pocket. To: his apartment, his car, his mailbox, his office at Dreamworks. The fifth is a copy of the key to his office at Dreamworks, in case he loses the original.

Strut strut strut. Ben is strutting through the pumpkin patch.

Ben is wearing brown shoes, khaki pants, a dark blue button-down shirt (long sleeves rolled up above his elbow) and a tie. He is the best dressed person at the pumpkin patch.

***

"I want to get some cider."

"Well I want to see the decorations!"

"Stop bickering. We will settle this the only way we can: by doing whatever it is Ben Simpson is doing."

"Hey, yeah!"

"What is Ben Simpson doing?"

"It looks like he's complaining that the hot dog stand doesn't have onions."

"Oh yeah!"

"Look at him go!"

"Now what's he doing?"

"Looks like he's accepting a free hot dog from the harried hot dog vendor, in exchange for not complaining anymore."

"WOW!"

***

Ben enters the corn maze. The corn is not very tall. He can see over it.

Some kids rush past Ben. He almost drops his fried donut and yells at them. They turn around and look at him for a second, then run off.

Ben could catch them, if he wanted to. He could see where they're going and just run straight through the maze, knocking down all the corn. But he is in no rush. Ben is strutting through the corn maze.

***

"What a lucky day! I was just bringing the kids to the pumpkin patch so they could pick out a pumpkin for the front steps. I never dreamed I would see Ben Simpson here!"

"Did he come to the pumpkin patch alone?"

"No, those are his friends over there."

"You mean the ones moving further and further away from him every time he shouts a racial epithet?"

"Yes!"

"Don't they know there are only white people at this pumpkin patch, and therefore that it is perfectly acceptable to shout highly offensive words at the top of one's lungs?"

"Ben Simpson's friends are so uptight."

***

Ben is now strutting away from the Bouncy Castle, but only after berating the attendant, who wouldn't let him on with his ice cream float or wearing his shoes. Ben noted that he had paid three dollars for his sundae and that it would be a cold day in hell before he walked around barefoot on a farm and that the attendant had a funny-looking nose.

Ben considers it a victory.

Now, Ben is strutting away from the Bouncy Castle.

A tractor is idling at one end of the farm. Ben suddenly breaks into a trot and climbs into the back with some families for a hay ride. The driver asks if Ben had waited in line. Ben says yes. The driver shrugs, even though he knows this is a lie.

Five minutes into the hay ride, Ben is bored. He tells the driver his farm sucks and jumps off the tractor while it is still in motion. He hadn't realized how far they had driven from the farm--the barn is small in the distance, and he can barely make out voices and the tops of people's heads over the corn. That's OK; Ben keeps his cool. He struts back towards the farm.

***

"Why is Ben standing on that crate?"

"I think he wants to find the highest point on the farm, so that everyone can see him use his iPhone."

"..."

***

It is time for Ben to pick out a pumpkin. Ben is going to carve a Batman sign into his pumpkin and put it in front of his front door, even though his landlord has already explicitly warned him not to, because it attracts insects.

Ben struts over to the pumpkins. Most of them are small. Ben frowns. He says out loud, to no one in particular, that these pumpkins are not up to his standards.

He sees a small boy carrying a large pumpkin. The boy struggles to carry it. Ben frowns.

Ben kicks in a pumpkin. It caves in immediately from the force of Ben's toe. Ben laughs. He kicks in another; he laughs again. Soon, he has kicked in nearly a dozen pumpkins, and he is nearly doubled over with laughter.

Ben catches his breath. He looks at his watch. He probably has the most expensive watch at the pumpkin patch.

It's time to go. Ben doesn't need a pumpkin. Pumpkins are dumb anyway.

Ben struts back through the pumpkin patch to the parking lot. His friends are already leaning against the car.