ARE YOU INTIMIDATED BY THE PERFECTLY STRAIGHT LINES OF MY NEW HAIRCUT?

BANG



BANG

Jesus goddamn, this is horrible. Look at that! My bangs are like the fucking equator!



This is as bad as it gets. The only haircut I've ever had that can even compare with this was the one that made me blacklist the Family Haircut Store in Bristol, CT way back in I think 10th grade. This one might be worse.

FACTS ABOUT THIS HAIRCUT:

1) It cost $10.
2) On the wall were two signs: "All Haircuts: $10," and below that, another one that said "Massages: $10."
3) There was a cash register on the counter, but the woman cutting hairs did not use it. When she was handed money, she simply threw it in a cabinet. This made me think that maybe the real proprietors were tied up or murdered in the back room and this was just some crazy woman off the streets who wanted to cut hairs today.
4) The woman started by lopping off huge chunks of hair with the razor. After like a whole cat's worth of hair was sitting on my lap, she said, "I think you need a scissors cut."
5) This had to be the longest haircut of my life. I didn't look at my watch, but it felt like fucking hours. Jesus.
6) The woman, mid-cut, CUT HERSELF WITH HER OWN FUCKING SCISSORS. She was just cutting away, and all of a sudden, she said "Ooh! I cut myself!" She had to put a Band-Aid on. I ONLY WISH I WERE FUCKING JOKING BUT LOOK UP AT THOSE PICTURES OF THAT HAIRCUT AND TELL ME IF YOU THINK I AM JOKING ABOUT ANY OF THIS.
7) When she was done, my hair--I shit you not--looked like this:



Seriously, she parted it like that, I AM PAYING HER TO FIX MY HAIR AND SHE PARTED IT LIKE THAT.

My hair was parted like this basically the whole time, even though (do I even have to waste the pixels?) I DID NOT HAVE IT PARTED LIKE THAT WHEN I CAME IN. At first I thought she was just doing that because it was easier to cut that way or something, and then I thought she was doing it because she realized she had fucked up and didn't want me to realize she had fucked up, and it was only when she unbuttoned the smock that I realized, holy shit, that's really how she thinks I should comb my hair.

There are only a few groups of people who wear their hair like that.

a) Actuaries
b) Three-year-olds in the year 1989
c) A very small percentage of child molesters

And then when I stood up, as much as I wanted to run my hands through it to mess it up as quickly as possible, I thought, "that might be rude to this clearly developmentally challenged woman who spent like fucking hours hacking my hair into this horrible shape," so I thought instead I'd just give my head a little shake and hope it fell into some kind of recognizably acceptable hair-shape, but IT DIDN'T MOVE. She hadn't hairsprayed it or anything, but not a single hair atom was displaced by my shaking. I cannot tell you how terrified I was at that moment that my hair would look like that forever. After some hard work here at home, I've basically found the best option (besides just shaving it off with a #5, which I'm seriously considering), which is to go for that fashionably-messy look that went out of style like seven years ago. Even then, I basically can't go anywhere now, for a few weeks, at least, until it grows out. Thank God it's winter and I can wear a winter hat to the grocery store or I'd probably starve to death before my roommates got back.