Type

Sit here.
Why?
Turn off the TV. I'm going to teach you how to type.
I know how to type.
I've seen you type, you don't know how to do it right.
You just push the keys.
Sit down! You look at the keyboard. You're not supposed to look at the keyboard.
Aw.
Just sit down. We'll use my old typewriter.
Typewriter?
IT'S GOT ALL THE KEYS, DOESN'T IT?
This one's missing.
That's the tilde. You don't need to know how to use it.
We have a computer lab at school. I can learn to type there.
Here. DON'T LOOK AT THE KEYBOARD.
I'm not even typing yet.
Practice now. I made this posterboard for you. See?
What is it?
It's a keyboard. It's got all the keys on it, so you can look at this and type without looking down, and know where all the keys are.
I can't read it.
Of course you can. They're just letters.
Your handwriting's terrible.
Don't talk about my handwriting. I've seen your chicken-scratch.
Chicken-what?
SCRATCH. SCRATCH. Put your fingers on the keys.
All right.
On the home row.
What does that mean?
It means the places where you're supposed to put your fingers. These.
Ow!
That didn't hurt.
You pulled my wrist.
Oh so what. There. That's the home row.
Which ones are they?
DON'T LOOK DOWN.
But how am I supposed to know which ones are the home row if I can't look at them.
Look at the diagram. You see?
No.
These ones!
OK!
See? I wrote them in red.
No you didn't.
I did. My red marker just looks black because it's old.
What?
Enough chat! Type your name.
OK.
Faster!
Why? This is fast enough.
You're never going to get a job if you type that slow.
I don't want to get a job.
I'm sure you don't. Type it again.
I already typed it once.
You think you're only going to have to type your name once in your life?
No.
OK, then. Type it again.
OK.
Better. See?
No.
DON'T LOOK AT THE KEYBOARD.
I'm already done typing it!
Doesn't matter. Look at the posterboard. See what you typed?
What.
Your name. Isn't that good?
I don't know.
You don't know. Don't get smart. Put your fingers back on the keys.
Again?
You only typed your name twice!
I'm sick of typing my name!
So you'll type something else then.
Fine.
Are you ready?
Yes.
Then why aren't your fingers on the home keys!
They are--
DON'T LOOK AT THE KEYBOARD!
I was just making sure my fingers were on the right keys!
You can do that with the posterboard!
I can't read the posterboard!
Enough chatter. Type this sentence. "The clerk used air quotes and I became agitated."
What?
Type it!
No, I don't want to type that sentence.
I don't care what sentences you want to type, I'm telling you what sentences you have to type!
That sentence is dumb. I would never type it.
Fine. Type this one. "The rapist's mental health evaluation went swimmingly."
No!
God forbid you ever get a nice job in a psychiatrist's office! The doctor tells you he wants you to enter how his mental health evaluation went into his guide book and you say, "no, I only type what I want to type!" See how long you hold that job.
I don't want a job.
And with that attitude see if you're ever going to get one.
I hope I don't.
Well if you think I'm going to sit here and deal with you you're crazy.
Good.
But you're still going to type.
Aw!
Listen. I'm going to prop this posterboard up on the wall. DON'T LOOK AT THE KEYBOARD.
Can I go outside?
You can bring the typewriter outside, if you can carry it, though I'd wager you can't.
I just want to sit outside.
On second thought the posterboard might blow away. You'd better stay inside.
I'll throw it down the sewer.
NO YOU WON'T. Listen, I'm going to be in the kitchen, and I'd better hear you typing, and if I look in I'd better see you looking at that posterboard.
Aw.
START.
Fine!
YOU'RE NOT TYPING! YOU'RE JUST PUNCHING THE KEYS RANDOMLY! I CAN TELL!
No, I'm typing! I'm just doing it really fast!
I'LL COME IN THERE AND LOOK AT THE PAPER AND THEN WE'LL JUST SEE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN TYPING!
I took the paper out so I could type faster!
THAT DOESN'T MAKE A LOT OF SENSE TO ME.