Spaceship

Of foremost importance upon entering the new spaceship was the division of labor i.e. who would be doing what chores. I.e. who would be washing the dishes, mopping the floors, maintaining the electricals, monitoring space altitude to make sure we stayed on a stable space altitude, manning the Self-Destruct Button to make sure no one pressed it, etc. I was assigned to make all the beds.

The first thing I wanted to do the second I stepped foot on that spaceship was to press the Self-Destruct Button, but I knew I would have to be patient.

My first strategy was to approach AAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK (it was assigned to her to watch the Self-Destruct Button to make sure no one pressed it) and offer to trade chores. I told her that she would be able to get no Space-Sleep while watching the Self-Destruct Button, but if she made the beds, why she could Space-Sleep anytime she wanted, in anyone's bed she so pleased to sleep in, and if anyone caught her why she could just say she was making the beds from the inside-out and no one would be fit to question her because no one would presume to have the bed-making expertise of the Official Spaceship Bed-Maker (this is what the sash I wore said) and so they would let her continue sleeping, whereas watching the Button, she had to stay awake all the time, to make sure no one pressed it. I told her I had no problem switching because I do not like to Space-Sleep at all (I told her I have horrible nightmares, which is true, although the truth is I have rather come to enjoy them) and I am allergic to beds, and so she should definitely take the bed-making job, because it is the best job on the ship from any objective point-of-view (my point-of-view being tainted, I told her, by my distaste of Space-Sleep on account of my horrible nightmares), much better than the horrible Self-Destruct Button Watcher job, which was not horrible only from my point-of-view, because of my aforementioned fear of Space-Sleep. But she said no, she would keep the Self-Destruct Button Watcher job, because she also did not like Space-Sleep (she said it made her feel unproductive) and also she didn't trust the watching of the Self-Destruct Button to anyone else on the ship, so she would just like to keep the job for herself for the time being.

Well so then my next strategy was to speak up at the next Spaceship Council meeting and tell everyone that I should have the Self-Destruct Button Monitoring Job because I had heard AAAAAAAKKKKKKKK saying that she wanted to press the Self-Destruct Button as soon as she had the opportunity, which was ingenious, on my part, since it is actually I who wanted to press the Self-Destruct Button as soon as I had the opportunity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK denied it of course, so I called her a lying slut and played a Space-Recording of the conversation we had had earlier, and said, why should she be so intent on keeping her Button job if not to press said Button when clearly Bed-Making was the better job for someone who didn't suffer from nightmares during Space-Sleep? TTTTTYYYYYYYY called this a compelling argument and called on AAAAAAKKKKKK to rebut the charges. She said that she had never said anything of the sort of wanting to press the Self-Destruct Button, and that I was just lying for some reason, perhaps so I could have full unmonitored access to the Self-Destruct Button so I could press it myself. I called this a contemptible slander and pointed out that for someone who professed to be so concerned about Self-Destruct Button security, why, who was watching the Self-Destruct Button now, while we were at the Spaceship Council meeting? The Council let out a gasp. They quickly reached a verdict: AAAAAAAKKKKKKKK would be removed from Self-Destruct Button duty, but I would remain Bed-Maker, and a neutral party -- WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHH -- would be the new Self-Destruct Button Monitor while AAAAAAAAAKKK would be sentenced to Space-Death.

This was in some ways an arrangement in line with my desires, because I knew WWWWHHHHH was sympathetic to my cause of pushing the Self-Destruct Button -- he too wanted the ship to be Self-Destructed -- but I was still not sure if I could fully trust him. I pulled him aside and asked if he was still willing to do the job and he told me of course, but I didn't believe him, and besides, even if I did believe him, I wanted to be the one to press the Self-Destruct Button, I didn't want anyone else to have the satisfaction. So I made to WWWWWWHHHHHH the same case I made to AAAAAKKKKKKKK about the Bed-Making job being really the best one on the Spaceship and how I would definitely keep it if it weren't for the nightmares during Space-Sleep, but he told me no, he'd rather have the Self-Destruct Button Watching job because he too was allergic to beds. To which I responded, well if you are going to press the Self-Destruct Button anyway, and I am going to press it anyway, what difference does it make if you are allergic to beds, because you won't have to make them anyway? If you really are planning to press the Self-Destruct Button, I said, then you should definitely give the job to me, because I am definitely going to press it, and then it won't matter whether or not you're making beds even if you're allergic to beds and have nightmares during Space-Sleep. And he said well maybe he didn't want to press the Self-Destruct Button right away, he said maybe he was waiting for the right opportunity. And I said to him you were never planning to press the button after all! And he said well maybe he was but maybe he was having second thoughts! And I said well I'm just going to go in there right now (we were having this conversation outside the Self-Destruct Button Headquarters) and press it and he said he couldn't let me do that because it was his job as Self-Destruct Button Monitor to make sure no one pressed that button.

Well so then at the next Spaceship Council Meeting, I brought charges against my old friend WWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHH, saying that he told me he was planning to press the Self-Destruct Button (this was true enough), and that he should be immediately removed and I should be installed as new Self-Destruct Button Monitor, and that I was even willing to split my duties as Self-Destruct Button Monitor and Bed-Maker, since I was sensitive to the needs of the ship and I wanted to make sure everything was covered. Where is WWWWWHHHHH to answer these charges, asked TTTTTTYYYYYYY, and I said his absence speaks volumes (in fact, WWWWWHHHHH was at his station monitoring the Self-Destruct Button). TTTTYYYY agreed and I was made official Self-Destruct Button Monitor, pending WWWWWWHHHHH's execution.

Well so now my plan was complete. I finally had the Self-Destruct Button to myself, and in an overjoyed kind of delirium, I pressed it immediately. Well we did not Self-Destruct instantly, as I thought would happen, no. The Spaceship started to fly very quickly, much to the consternation of the Altitude Maintenance and Electricals Maintenance crews, who were at a loss (they too were unprepared for the ship's strange reaction to its Self-Destruct Button being pressed). Stars and planets and other Spaceships zipped past us and it almost felt like we weren't moving at all, we were moving so fast, and soon enough, we came up on ol' earth. We kept going at full speed and we rotated a little bit and I began to notice we were heading directly at full speed for my home landmass, and then even closer, my home state, my hometown, and then I saw that we were headed at full speed for my very home! This I was not happy to see, because my Earth-Family still lived inside my home, and my Earth-Friends still lived in the vicinity and would surely be incinerated by the large Spaceship Self-Destructing directly into or over my home. And I had only wanted to Self-Destruct the ship and everyone on it (all of whom richly deserved it), not my Earth-Family and Earth-Friends! But there was little to be done, because such buttons cannot be unpressed, and if I'm being totally honest, given the choice, I'm not sure I would have unpressed it anyway, I certainly would have given it some thought, but I'm not sure I would have unpressed it anyway.