Ben and the bird say goodbye

Ben has a little extra strut in his strut this morning, because it is his last day at work. He imagines everyone will be begging him to stay, but he already knows what he will say when they do. He will laugh, and say, "I've got bigger things brewing, baby." Ben can't wait to use this line. He anticipates using it no fewer than four times today.

It is 8:55. Ben prides himself on being early, even on his last day.

Ben struts up to the front desk. Shelley does not look up from the newspaper she is reading. Ben frowns. After four seconds, he punches the front of the desk as hard as he can. Shelley jumps. Ben grins. He could have broken the desk, if he wanted to.

"It's my last day," Ben says. He raises only his right eyebrow, something he has been practicing for weeks.

"Congratulations," Shelley says. This is all Ben needed to hear.

He starts to walk away. Shelley calls after him: "I bet you're really going to miss that bird."

Ben stops in his tracks. He scowls. He says, quiet enough so Shelley can't hear him, "that stupid bird."

***

Usually Ben goes to his desk first, drops off his bag, and enjoys his customary breakfast: a protein shake, a 5-Hour Energy Drink, and four small bags of trail mix. But today he goes to the bird's habitat first. He knows he has only two more feedings, and then he and the bird will be through.

Ben steps into the habitat and closes the door behind him. "All right, bird brain," he says, "listen here. Today's my last day. So if you scratch me one more time today, I'm really going to let you have it."

The bird leaps off its perch and zooms straight for him. Ben assumes the defensive position. But today the bird does not scratch. It lands on its shoulder. Ben pours seed into its trough. "There's your seed," he says. He adjusts his sweatervest. The bird jumps down and begins eating.

Ben closes the door behind him. He finds a piece of paper on the ground. It is a tax form or something -- Ben does not care, because his name is not in it. He crumples it into a ball, opens the door to the habitat and throws the paper at the bird. It hits the bird right in the head. The bird looks up. Ben closes the door and walks off, laughing and laughing and laughing.

***

It is lunch. Ben eats his customary lunch: a watercress sandwich, a soft pretzel and a piece of pizza. He is finished in seven minutes, and spends the rest of the lunch hour leaning back in his chair, occasionally tipping backwards, catching himself, then grunting and saying to no one in particular, "chair is broken."

Ben is joined by two of his co-workers. One of them asks what he's going to do now that he's leaving. Ben breaks out the line he practiced, then breaks into uproarious laughter. His co-workers couldn't understand, for all the laughing, and the six pieces of Bazooka gum Ben is chewing on.

One of his coworkers asks Ben if his next job is going to involve a bird. Ben frowns. He has not considered what response he would have if he were asked this question. But he is quick on his feet. He tells his coworker to go fuck himself up his own ass. Ben bursts out laughing again.

***

It is 3:00 PM. Ben is rolling a leather office chair out to his car. He feels he is entitled to it. No one is stopping him, because they know the cost of it will simply be deducted from his last paycheck.

Ben goes back inside. Shelley tells him that the bird has gotten out of its habitat again. Ben swears and kicks a potted plant, spilling soil all over the floor. He laughs, even though he knows it will be his job to clean it up later.

He finds the bird in the conference room. It is right in the middle of the big conference table.

Ben rolls up his sleeves. "Get over here, bird," he says, "or else things are about to get real ugly in here." The bird picks at its feathers. It flies over to Ben and lands on his head. Ben is surprised and almost falls. He tries to pull the bird off, but cannot reach in his first two grabs, and becomes tired of trying.

He walks like this, with the bird on his head, back to the habitat. Once they're inside, the bird hops off onto its perch. Ben says "hmph," and walks out.

Shelley is waiting for him in the lobby. "Probably wanted to take a shit in there," Ben explains. Shelley hands him a dustpan and tells him to get to work on that potted plant he kicked over.

***

It is 4:00 PM. Ben will feed the bird for the last time in 45 minutes.

Ben has decided the bird will pay for all the suffering it put him through. He spends 30 minutes scrounging through the alley for an alley cat. His plan is to let the cat in the habitat and watch it eat the bird. If the cat does not go for it right away, Ben will move to plan B: he will kick the bird right in the face. That, Ben thinks, will be great.

He cannot find a cat, though. He falls into a pile of trash. It is only paper, but he swears anyway. "I'm gonna kick that bird right in the kisser," he says as he picks himself up.

Ben's replacement, whom he was meant to train today, finds Ben rooting through trash in the alley. Ben growls at him and the replacement moves off.

***

4:45. Time to feed the bird. It is Ben's last task for the day.

He steps into the habitat. The bird regards him from its perch.

"Here's your food, feathers." Ben says. The bird hops down and begins eating again. Ben could punt it like a football. But he doesn't. "You got lucky today, bird," he says, and he walks off.

Halfway down the hall, he looks back. The bird has stopped eating and is watching Ben go. They stand there for a moment, eyes locked. Ben sneezes. A feather drifts out of his hair. He swears. He gives the bird his two middle fingers and laughs.

***

It is 5:05. Ben congratulates himself on leaving late, even on his last day.

He has a can of paint in the trunk of his car. His plan was to paint his name, "BEN," on the side of the brick building. Everyone, he knows, will think it's an awesome and hilarious prank.

But it is a very hot day and it takes Ben a long time to open the paint can. By the time he finally gets the lid off, he is tired, and he does not want to paint. Instead, he simply dumps the paint in a big puddle in the grass. They'll get the idea, he tells himself.

He drives home. He cranks the radio and begins singing along, as loud as he can. He is halfway through the second chorus before he realizes he is singing "I'm Like A Bird," by Nelly Furtado. He switches the station in horror. He finds a classic rock station, and hears the song "For Your Love" He hums along. After it is over, the DJ tells him he was just listening to the YardBirds. Ben curses and turns off the radio.

He sees a flock of pigeons in the opposite lane. He swerves to run them over. He hits, instead, a parked car. He surveys the damage. He suffered little; the other car quite a bit. Ben is satisfied. He gets back in his car, backs up, intentionally rams the parked car again, then drives off.

***

Ben eats a dinner of heavy pasta at 11:30 PM, like he does every night. He looks outside his apartment window. He sees another flock of birds, this one on the lawn. He frowns. He throws a hard roll at them. They scatter, but then surround the roll and begin eating it. Ben is upset; he wanted that roll for himself.

He goes to sleep and he dreams he's at the Grand Canyon and everyone he knows, his friends, his family, flap their arms and begin flying. But he can't get off the ground, no matter how hard he flaps. Ben wakes up; it is 4 AM. He tosses and turns in bed and finds himself staring at a big sack of seed in the corner of the room. He must have brought it home for work. I'll return it tomorrow, he thinks, and he falls to sleep instantly.

***

But he wakes up again at 5 AM. Someone is pounding on his door. Ben jumps out of bed. He grabs his alarm clock, in case he has to defend himself.

He slowly approaches the door and looks into the peephole. No one is there. They were pounding only a few seconds ago. Is this a trick? A burglar? Ben takes a deep breath and turns the knob and opens the door.

At first he doesn't see anyone there. He must have imagined it -- but he looks down. Standing there on his Superman welcome mat. It's the bird.

"Bird?" Ben says, not sure he trusts what he's seeing. The bird flies at Ben's head, digging its claws into Ben's face. Ben falls backwards and slams into a wall. A mirror falls onto his head and knocks him unconscious.

He will wake up tomorrow at 4 in the afternoon, there in the hall, door wide open, and he will wonder if it was all a dream. He will shake his head out, go into the bathroom to wash his face and find no one in there, but the sink will be filled with feathers.