My position on child molestation

I am against it. My staff and I have examined the issue very closely and I've decided that I cannot support any form of child molestation, no matter the circumstance. I did not arrive at this conclusion easily; it was only through weeks of study and prayer and consultation with experts in the field that I came to the conclusion I've reached which is that I do not think child molestation is good for people to do.

I don't expect this position to win me many friends, and it may even cost me some voters. These days in Washington, it seems like it's a liability to say you're against something, because there's always some interest group waiting in the wings to use it against you come election time. I'm certainly aware of that risk, but as I told my staff: in times like these, the country needs strong moral leadership, and politicians who don't tailor their votes to the political winds. And so I stand against the pressure, against the interest groups, against those who would seek to punish me politically for my strong stance against child molestation.

Let me tell you a story. I held a rally last week, here in town, outside the old closed steel mill, where I gave a speech outlining my support for people having jobs. And after the speech, an old man with food in his white beard came up to me and said, "my child has been molested." And I looked him in the face, and told him, "child molestation is a complicated issue, and when I get to Washington, I plan to sit down with leaders of both parties to develop a comprehensive child molestation policy, but I can't say for sure what kind of child molestation plan I would or would not support."

And that was the truth.

But when I got home that evening, the encounter stuck with me. Something just didn't sit right. My beautiful wife, whom I had just slapped around in a consensual love act, asked me what was wrong. And I told her, that even though it might not poll well, even though it might not be the right issue to touch in an election year, even though it might even be considered


POLITICAL SUICIDE



, I could not ignore my conscious. Conscience. I do not think children should be molested, and if that kind of unapologetic stand against the tides of public opinion get me thrown out of office, then never mind. I will molest a child. Whatever you want.


Look out! It's the Owl Of Sincerity, here to punish the candidate for his lack of steadfastness!


CLUCK CLUCK



(Everyone died in the fire started by the owl, including the innocent people who were not guilty of being insincere and had just come to hear the speech.)