Worst conceivable dating site profile

In the interest of meeting new people and getting myself "out there," I decided to join a dating website. But in the interests of art, humor and not actually meeting these people (who wants to meet people?), I figured I'd create the worst dating site profile imaginable.

Of course it would be easy to just make a dumb fake profile with a picture of a fat guy and a bunch of racist shit. But that's no fun. The game is to put forward the least attractive facets of my personality and obscure my more impressive accomplishments or endearing foibles. Like a good memoir, I'll exaggerate some things for effect, but the profile must remain essentially truthful. Ideally, someone who hasn't seen me in a while and stumbled across this profile would say, "it looks like Chris has had a rough couple months."

So here we go!

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After entering my real basic info (age, birthday, location, all that), it was time to pick the ever-crucial profile name.


Apparently my first choice, "suicidalideation," is one letter too long. I was disappointed at first, but this works.

Now for the profile picture.


Profiles with only one picture always look a little grim, though, so I gave mine a little variety.


Looking good! Now for the main info box on the side.


I briefly tried to puzzle out the difference between "skinny" and "thin" before realizing the most truthful answer was right in front of my eyes.


This one confused me too. I guess they would have wanted me to answer "anything," as I am not anything else on this list, but anyone who knows me knows that I do not eat "anything." There are tons of things I don't eat (briefly: seafood; mayonnaise; any nut including coconut, excepting peanuts and cashews; non-white bread; shredded beef; cheesecake; cream cheese; sour cream; most vegetables not found in a garden salad). "Mostly other" somehow seemed like the best answer.


This was easy. On Sunday I went to a wedding where I saw some old friends. My mom instructed my sister to make sure I did not go around telling everyone I'm unemployed, but it's true, and in fact is the whole reason I had the time and impulse to sign up for this site.


Can't say I didn't give myself full credit here.


I did this so that when people search for the keywords "self-analysis" or "incapable," my profile will appear.







Do you want to get to know me better?

Then I had to answer a bunch of questions. I skipped a whole bunch of them and then I thought it took my skip button away, on this stupid fucking question of all possible questions:


The only answer I actually wanted to "accept" was Skip, but that is not an option for some reason (shouldn't it be? I probably have nothing in common with someone who doesn't find that question beneath contempt).

But apparently I'd just entered the Condescending Intelligence Quiz portion of the profile, because I got a bunch more SAT-lite questions like this.


They must have sensed I was pissed off because they gave me my skip button back ("Do you believe morality is universal or relative?" "Do you require your partner to be kinkier than you are?" SKIP SKIP SKIP SKIP) and started lobbing me softballs like "Is homosexuality a sin."

I finished the bare minimum 25 questions and they gave me some matches. So who did the algorithms determine to be the best match for my worst impulses and traits? Congratulations.


There were a bunch of other people close to her, but she's the only one to crack 90%. Congratulations, person.

Meanwhile, I don't know what Enemy % means exactly, but presumably it is not good:


Note my enemy scores are higher than my matches. Hmm.

This made me chuckle:



So anyway I passed on OKCupid's suggestion to send a message to someone, and have decided instead to just sit back and let the messages roll in! And the best part is if it works, I feel like there is no way a person can meet me after seeing this profile and be disappointed. This could be the best thing I've ever done (no I know that will not happen). This is for real, by the way, here's the link to prove it.