Skunks

A skunk in the wild is a dangerous thing.  The sight of one should send the chills of caution through one's bones.  Here are some simple tips for how to handle a skunk situation.

- Determine if the skunk is alive or dead.  If the skunk is not moving, it may be dead, or it may be alive and sleeping or resting or not moving.  Put a mirror to the skunk's nose to see if it fogs the glass.  If the skunk is moving, it is most likely alive, or it may be dead and being moved by some external force such as a stick being held by someone or the turtle on which it rests or the plate tectonics of the earth may be shifting.

- If the skunk is dead, do not destroy the body, which is disrespectful to the skunk.

- If the skunk is determined to be alive, approach the skunk cautiously.  Speak in soft, dulcet tones.  Soothe the skunk.  Praise the skunk.  Praise the skunk's soft fur, although you should not touch it.

- The skunk will now climb into your lap.  You may now stroke the skunk.  Continue stroking the skunk until it falls into a deep, restful sleep.

- Shave the skunk.  Use an electric razor on a low setting so it massages the skunk into a deeper sleep without waking it.

- Press leaves onto the skin of the shaved skunk.  Do this until the skunk wakes.

- When the skunk awakens, shaven and leaf-pressed, toss it off of your lap and run.  The skunk should be too stunned at the presence of leaves and the loss of its fur to spray you until you are a safe distance away.

- Check into a hotel immediately.  Do not return to your home.  Glue a 6"x6"x6" cube of sugar to the door of your hotel room.

- The skunk will find you.

- Remain in your hotel room.  When you hear the skunk nibbling and licking and scratching at the sugar cube, call down to the front desk.  The hotel will dispatch a Skunk Disposal Engineer (SDE) to dispose of the skunk.  DO NOT TRY TO DISPOSE OF THE SKUNK YOURSELF.  The SDE is specially trained to deal with a sugar-distracted skunk.  Once the skunk has been safely disposed of by the SDE and the SDE returns to your room to tell you that the skunk has been disposed of, you may check out of the hotel.

- Return to your home.  You will have to kill the rest of the skunk's family in the coming days and weeks, but this will be easy.