New kind of computer

There are hundreds of kinds of computers in the world, but all of them are basically the same. Until now, because I’ve invented a totally new kind of computer.

I have no background in engineering or computers, which meant I was able to approach the problem of inventing a computer from a completely different direction, and it also meant that it took me an incredibly long time to finish. While other computers have different features and parts, mine doesn’t, because I didn’t know how to do them.

The first thing you’ll notice about the new kind of computer is that it has no screen. At the time I began work, some computers didn’t have screens, and it honestly didn’t occur to me to use one. Later, when screens became more popular, I tried adding one to my computer, but I couldn’t figure out how to make the wires from the computer and the wires from the screen go together. But I didn’t get discouraged. I said, “good. I’m glad the wires don’t work.” Because I realized this would help my computer distinguish itself from all the other computers out there. My computer will be the computer that doesn’t have a screen.

I’ve also completely rethought information input. When we want to say something on an old computer, we type it in on a keyboard. I replaced the keyboard with a large wheel that has letters painted on it. Just spin the wheel to the letter you want, then spin it to the next letter, and so on. The wheel takes longer, but it helps you think carefully about which words you use -- or, more accurately, which letters. What about the space key, you might ask? Well, there is none, because I forgot to add it.

My computer also has a horn on it.

We keep our information in “files,” that are then stored on hard drives inside our computer. We’ve been doing it for this long that no one’s ever considered whether there might be a better way. My new kind of computer stores its data on very long pieces of thin, hard rubber. I’ll leave it to the consumer to decide whether they’d rather store their data on pentium chips, or on misshapen pieces of cracked rubber.

That reminds me of another fact about my new kind of computer -- it is incredibly loud. To prevent the rubber from melting and deleting all your information, I had to install six fans inside my computer, each louder than the last. You’ll get used to screaming over the cacophonous whir of a large steel box in very little time at all.

So, what can this new kind of computer do? True, it can’t play music or connect to the web, or be used in an office because it’s too loud for a work environment, and because two of my computers in the same room will heat the air to over two hundred degrees. But you can inscribe information onto rubber, and retrieve that information later, if you remember your wheel-code, although you won’t be able to see it because the computer has no screen.

If you’d like to buy my computer, I was only able to build one, and it took me about thirty years to build. Of course, now that I know how I made it, I estimate I’ll have the second done in about ten years, and I estimate in that time, my computer will be able to hold three times as much rubber.

What does the future hold? Will people make the switch from touchscreens and smartphones to loud, hot steel boxes with few functions? Time will tell. Probably, though, right?