Step into the box

Hey, how's it going?  Good to see you.  This is my place, come on in.  Step into this box.  What, the couch?  No, don't sit there, it's not -- it's not comfortable.  You should stand in this box instead.

Trust me.

You want a drink?  We've got water, beer, I think we've got some wine back here if you're interested.  Just stand in the box and I'll bring it to you.  That one there, the cardboard box, the one that's ten-by-ten and about six inches high?  Yeah, just get right in there and stand in it.

Explain?  What's to explain?

I don't know if you've eaten, we can order some food -- I'm sorry, what?  Yes, the box, I'm being very serious.  I think it's pretty self-explanatory: this is my home.  I want you to stand in that box.  Honestly, you'll like the box.  Standing in it is good.  This is not a trick or anything, I'm doing you a favor, asking you stand in the box, but I really have to be insistent that you do actually stand in it.  This couch is old and it's not great for sitting.  When you're not here, I stand in the box, but I'm offering it to you.

Why would you not believe that?

Ok, you're right, this is ridiculous.  The last thing I want to do is make a big issue out of this.  I mean, ha ha, it's really rather funny and silly when you take the time to think about it.  Here we are, screaming at each other, over whether or not you're going to stand in some box?  It doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?  Ha ha!  So, let's just agree to drop this whole silly thing, you stand in the box, and we'll enjoy the rest of the evening.

You're an idiot.

Do you think I would ask you to step into the box if it weren't for your own good?  The box is in the perfect place in the room.  Were you not too stubborn, you would see that the fan is blowing right in the direction of the box, cooling you without the need for the air conditioner.  The light, which would otherwise shine harshly into your eyes, instead glows angelically behind your shoulder.  Yes, the lamp burns like a goddamn fucking angel.

What do you think, this is some trick?  This is a set-up?  I invite you, a friend, to my home, only to have you stand in a box, so -- what?  Something would fall on your head and humiliate you?  Have a look around the ceiling and walls, there's no trap.  You think I'm going to close the box around you and mail you to some war zone?  The box is only six inches high, you could never fit inside.  Your refusal to step into a box, an unbelievably simple request, is such a pointless and flagrant show of disrespect that it boggles the mind.  Just last week when I was at your house, you asked me to take off my shoes, and didn't I, immediately, without questioning your motive or your integrity?  Well, you wanted me to take my shoes off, I want you to step into a small cardboard box in the center of the room instead of sitting.  What's the difference?  Stepping into a box requires no more effort than taking off your shoes, in fact, I would argue it requires much less.  Are you so self-centered that you can't even comprehend that another person might make a request of you, in the same way you might --

Jesus Christ, get up.  You swung first.  You did, I saw you cocking back, preparing to swing.  There's no question you would have swung first if I hadn't responded so quickly to the threat.

Oh, yeah, fine, step ON the box.  That was the mature thing to do.

I'm not coming to your wedding.