Here is the skript for the Teakher Weakest Link skit I ko-wrote in 11th grade, featuring insightful kommentary. Ooooo!
ANNE: Good evening and welcome to “the weakest link“. Tonight we have a very special episode. Our contestants this evening are all teachers and faculty at Lewis S. Mills high School, so we will finally discover who is the best and the brightest of the Mills faculty. So, without further ado, let’s get ready to play The Weakest Link. (Music) Let’s introduce our contestants.
PITKOFF: Dr. Pitkoff [Dr. Pitkoff, played by Rybak,
was a last minute replacement for Mr. Bogen when Nate didn’t show up for the rehearsal. We were all secretly happy since there was nothing funny about Mr. Bogen we hadn’t covered the first time, plus Nate did a terrible impression. He wore a hat to cover up his hat because Mr. Bogen was bald and used a deep voice for his impression even though Nate’s regular voice was already deeper than Mr. Bogen’s.]
Olander: Mr.Olander
Nolan: (Drinks from bowl of coffee) Mr. Nolan
Burnett: Mr. Burnett
Frazer: Mrs. Frazer [I wanted to have Ms. Frazer take a bite out of a cat. I thought we could do it if we had a stuffed cat (which I had) and some ground beef or a piece of steak, but no one else went for it.]
Spillane: (Turned around)
ANNE: Mr. Spillane, I realize there isn’t much a difference between your butt and your face, but please face forward.
Spillane: Oh, I didn’t talk to him yet, I don’t know if hes going.
ANNE: What? Next.
Bentley: Mr. Bentley
Lindert: Mr. Lindert
(Music)
ANNE: To start off this special edition of the weakest link we will immediately vote of the man who spends his days in luxury lounging on the beach in palm springs sipping pina coladas with five women by his side while everyone else has to trudge to school in a blizzard. (Scans the contestants). Mr. Pitkoff, you are the
weakest link, goodbye!PITKOFF:. That’s DR. Pitkoff!, I Have a PHD in modern dance! I deserve respect! I have a labeled parking place, where I park my solid gold school bus that your tax money paid for!! You must respect me!!
ANNE: Alright DR. Pitkoff (emphasis on Dr.) please get off of the stage. Good bye.
(Pitkoff walks offstage. He sits on the stool and faces the audience.)
PITKOFF: I can squash all of you like bugs! I deserve respect! [We kicked Pitkoff off first because that’s where Bogen was originally, but in retrospect, Rybak was funny and we should have kept him on longer]
ANNE: OK, now let’s begin the game. You must earn money
by correctly answering questions. In order to carry money into the next round, you must bank the money by saying, “bank.” Now let’s begin. (Music) Mr. Olander. In History…
OLANDER: Uh oh.
ANNE: Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
OLANDER: I don’t know…uh…John…C…Independence. [Just about every Olander line had to be changed because Mr. Olander objected to his portrayal as a drunk/druggie.]
ANNE: No Thomas Jefferson. Mr. Nolan. What’s the heart rate for the average healthy male adult?
NOLAN: In radians or degrees?
ANNE: Wrong. 70 beats per minute. Mr. Burnett, in music, name the five Backstreet Boys.
BURNETT: (Assertively, banging his podium) Howie, AJ, Brian, Nick, and Kevin.
ANNE: That is correct. Mrs. Frazer. In wildlife, how many moles usually live in a
colony?FRAZER: (quickly) 6.02 X10 to the 23rd [That’s a really
terrible pun.]
ANNE: No , not even close. Mr. Spillane. In mathematics, what is the cosine of pi over 2?
SPILLANE: The what-what of what over what now?
NOLAN: (Giggles loudly) Every self-respecting person knows that the cosine of pi over 2 is 0!
ANNE: No, 0. Mr. Bentley. In what year was the electric chair first used for punishing criminals.
BENTLY: I remember this one time, a kid talked out of turn in my class. So I
covered him in honey, tied him too a tree in the woods, and left him there. That was about a month ago. I wonder how he’s doing. (Laughs)
ANNE: No. 1904. Mr. Lindert, in biology. How long does the human body take to decompose after death?
LINDERT: I love these people who live next to graveyards, growing their gardens and getting their water from their wells. Cause you know, when the human body decomposes, it goes into the soil, so when they’re drinking their water, they’re really
drinking Aunt Sally, and when they’re eating their carrots, they’re really eating Grandma. [That was really forced. Apparently it was something Mr. Lindert really said, but I’m sure there was some kind of context behind it.]
ANNE: That is not the correct response. In that round, you banked a vomit-inducing $0. One of you will not go on to the next round which is a good thing because my eyes hurt from looking at your ugly, stupid faces. Now it’s time to vote off…The Weakest Link!
OLANDER: Bogen.
NOLAN: Lindert.
BURNETT: Lindert.
FRAZER: Lindert.
SPILLANE: Nolan. That punks been asking for it for 2 and a half years now. [Ugh. This is the introduction of a stupid stupid angle I fought hard against. Even though Nolan and Spillane never once showed any signs of disliking each other, for some reason everyone thought it would be funny if they fought. It was stupid, it was forced, and it didn’t even make sense and I hated it.]
BENTLY: Heh. That kid’s probably pretty thirsty now, huh?
LINDERT: Aaaah! I‘m hungry.
ANNE: Mr. Lindert. Your time on this show was almost as short as your
shorts. You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye!
(Mr. Lindert walks to the stool.)
LINDERT: It’s almost dinner time. I’m gonna go shoot me a ‘coon.
ANNE: Now we move on to the next round. Losersayswhat!
OLANDER: What?
ANNE: Mr. Olander, how did I know you were going to fall for that? You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye! (Olander walks over to the stool)
OLANDER: I don’t know what just happened there. But anyway, that Ayatollah of Iran is, like, the pimp daddy! [Another real quote that was absolutely horribly forced.]
ANNE: Now that we’ve eliminated 3 contestants, we should have no problem winning money next round. Let’s begin. Mr. Nolan, in mathematics, what is the
derivative of 2x squared.
NOLAN: That would be 4x.
ANNE: That’s correct.
NOLAN: Ha! I bet Spillane didn’t know that!
[Ugh.]
SPILLANE: These things happen.
ANNE: Mr. Burnett, in biology, can a
swallow carry a coconut?
BURNETT: Would that be an African or European swallow?
ANNE: I don’t know.
BURNETT: ANNE! YOU HAVE TO BE SPECIFIC!
ANNE: Ok, Mrs. Frazer, in religion, if one doesn’t go to Heaven when they die, where does the soul go according to the Christian religion?
FRAZER: That would have to be my classroom.
ANNE: No, hell. Mr. Spillane, in Womens Pole Vaulting, who is the real mooning
tourist?
SPILLANE: (pauses, thinks, pulls out calculator)
NOLAN: Times up! (Giggles)
SPILLANE: That’s it! (lunges for Nolan, )
NOLAN: I’ll reduce you to the lowest common denominator! (roll on ground, fight).
[Though this fight is still incredibly stupid, that’s a good line.]
BURNETT: GUYS, we don’t have time for this!
FRAZER: BACK! (Spillane and Nolan fly back
to the podiums) [This bit is the only reason I backed off from my objection to the fight. I still say there could have been a better way to display Ms. Frazer’s dark powers of evil without that stupid fight.]
ANNE: Mr. Bentley, how do you say the word ’Guest” in Spanish?
BENTLEY: Guest… I usually don't have guests, but sometimes
r. Troughton comes over and we go to the gym to work out. One time a student showed up there, and hung out with us, but we decided it was best not to talk to
kids outside of school. Now this kid was one hell of an athelete. He had this
talent for running track, it was amazing. It was just something you need to be
born with. My son is a pretty good runner. He broke 4 school records. But hes a
better singer. He is studying classical voice at college. I went to an
orientation there last year. Wow I have never seen so many people in my
life. Except this one time when I was at concert. The Beatles were
playing. Wow, were they a band. They could really rock out.
Some kid in one of my classes once tried to tell me that Jimmy Hendrix was
better than the Beatles. Wow, he was wrong. I get into arguments a
lot… [Greg wrote all his speeches without help from anyone else and gave himself the most lines]
ANNE: Wrong, Invitado. Alright, it’s now time to vote off the weakest link!
NOLAN: Spillane
BURNETT: Olander
FRAZER: Frazer
SPILLANE: David Spade [I guess this was supposed to be funny
because Mr. Nolan looks like David Spade. I remember finding it dumb at the time but at the show I glared at Steve after he said that line which was completely unnecessary.]
BENTLEY: Frazer
ANNE: Well Mrs. Frazer, your time has come to retire, RETIRE, RETIRE!………….to the backstage.
[Heh]
FRAZER: (on stool) Fine, I didn’t wanna be in this skit anyway!
[My absolute favorite line in the skit, but nobody got it. When we asked all the teachers if they would let us put them in the skit, Ms. Frazer was the only one to say no. We were absolutely stunned. Eventually she let us.]
ANNE: For this round, the first one to be kicked off will be whoever is the first to think about factoring 8th degree polynomials.
NOLAN: I’m out
ANNE: You are a very sad, sad,
little man. You are the weakest link, goodbye!
NOLAN: (walk over to stool). I cant help it, they are so magnificent.
ANNE: On to the next round. Mr. Burnett, What was the date of the death of Former President Woodrow Wilson?
BURNETT: (Pulls out newspaper from shirt.) Well, the date of his death was (pauses for one full minute)[I think he only made it about 45 seconds or so]
February third, 1924 which is 58 years from tomorrow.
ANNE: Thank you for being prompt, we all thought you had a stroke. That is correct. Mr. Spillane, in movies, who is the leading character in Ferris Bueller’s Day
Off?
SPILLANE: Ron Jeremy.
Anne: Wrong, Ferris Bueller. Mr. Bentley, in rescue breathing, how many chest pumps are done between breaths?Bentley: Hey, I was a lifeguard once. It was at this pond in Torrington. Man, that was the life. I sat around, watching kids swim, did nothing. Heh heh, i remember this one time when there was this really fat lady in the pond. I said to myself" Paul, that woman is going to swim out past where she can handle, and start drowning". Lo and behold, 5 minutes later, she was drowning. Hey! Hey! Yoo hoo! You’re gonna get clobbered! Anyway, I really didn't feel like dragging her 400 lb body to the shore so I says to the other life guard" Hey, you go rescue her, i don’t feel like it". Of course he went out and went through all that trouble to save her, while I lounged on the beach and got a tan. Hah hah hah
Anne: You are a sicktwisted man, and that is wrong, 5. That’s the end of this round, its time to vote of the weakest link.
Burnett: Bentley
Spillane: Bentley
Bentley: heh heh….Man, this one time back in the 80s…
Anne: That’s enough Mr. Bentley, we’ve all had entirely too much of your incessant
rambling…your time on this show is at an end…you are the Weakest link! Goodbye!
BENTLEY: He heh…im going to take this time to talk about my stunning wardrobe. See these shoes? Heh heh, I took them off a dead man. I don’t think he’ll needing them anymore. These pants were once owned by Ronald Reagan until I broke into his house and took them. I found this sweater in the trash behind Arbies. There was a rat living in it, but I have since eaten the rat, and the sweater is mine.
ANNE: We now enter our final round, between Mr. Burnett and Mr. Spillane to determine tonight‘s Strongest Link. Mr. Burnett, in Religion, was the Protestant Church an Organic movement in the 1500‘s?
BURNETT: Was it?
ANNE: That’s the question.
BURNETT: Well, you can look at this two different ways. From the modern perspective, this is a very traditional organization. However, if you look at it keeping the time period in mind, you may find that it was very revolutionary!
ANNE: So was it organic or not?
BURNETT: Was it? (Pause) Was it? Come on! You guys have to think!
ANNE: That is not the correct response. Mr. Spillane, if you answer this next question correctly, you will be tonight’s Strongest Link. Who has been the worst player throughout the game?
SPILLANE: Uh, me? [No one could even hear this line, so no one in the audience could figure out how or why the thing ended.]
ANNE: That is the first question you’ve gotten right tonight Mr. Spillane. Congratulations, you are tonight’s Strongest Link.
SPILLANE: (Laughs and dances)ANNE: That’s all for our show tonight, join us next time on the Weakest Link. Goodbye!
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