Since I Left You

Thanks to my special guests for taking over for me this week. Here are a few things of interest I came across this week.

I'd better rename this place.

Cecil Fielder is broke. That's not funny.

After 86 years of curses, I didn't expect God to be a Red Sox fan.

The Creator of Worlds sums up the greatest collapse in sports history here.

Thought so.

life is PAIN

[While Chris takes a week off from blogging, he has arranged for daily guest bloggers to take his place. Today, Shrimp Products will be blogged by tenth grader Grady Franklin.]

pain is always
over my head
nothign to do
but wish i was DEAD

climbing up
the slippery abiss
if i were to fall
would i even be missed?

i love you
you don't even know
who i am
LOVE, IT BLOWS

life's all just darkness
and sadness as well
F*** YOU WORLD
I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL!!!

school sux

[While Chris takes a week off from blogging, he has arranged for daily guest bloggers to take his place. Today, Shrimp Products will be blogged by tenth grader Grady Franklin.]

school sucked today. what else s nu. sometimes i dont know why i bother wakeing up in teh morning. i had a test in global studies that i, like, didn't even study for at all. i'm sure i failed but what else would u expect from a failure like me. school is pointless anyway. reelly, why am i going to need to know about f'n china when i grow up? f that. i'm not wasteing my time with b.s..

mr farnham rode my @$$ in ehngliish again today. screaming about me about some compasition i didnt hand in lik last week. hey, old man, why\at do i care about your f'n compasition? ive got better things to do with my time. F*** YOU, MR FARNHAM, YOU DONT KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME!!!1 (u thot u were there to guide me, u were only in my way, U WERE WRONG IF YOU THOUGT THAT I'D BE JUST LIKE U!!!)

oh brother. here comes the computer lab nazi b----. go ahead, check my pass, i dare you. well i think im getting kikced out of ehre again. more later

10/21

[While Chris takes a week off from blogging, he has arranged for daily guest bloggers to take his place. Today, Shrimp Products will be blogged by international video game sensation Pac-Man.]

I went to pour myself a bowl of Cheerios this morning. I realized I had no way of pouring it, so I knocked the box down and let the Cheerios spill on the floor. They're much smaller than those dots and they were a bitch to eat. Plus I don't have any teeth so I had to swallow them whole. A couple got stuck down my windpipe.

I went to the dentist today to get some false teeth. I couldn't close my mouth so I had to take them out.

I gave up on the beard today. I just dragged it behind me everywhere. There was all kinds of garbage in it all the time. Plus it slowed me down and sometimes I'd kind of trip on it and get sent rolling in a funny direction.

I've been thinking of writing my memoirs. But then Ms. Pac-Man (excuse me, now she's Miss Brownstein again) reminded me all I've ever done is eat dots. Why the fuck did I ever marry her? I should have just made her go through with the abortion. I never would have had to see her again.

I went up to Namco today to pitch a new game. But they have narrow doors so I couldn't get it. I think they do it on purpose.

I popped today. I was home alone and the air pump was upstairs in the attic. No, I can't roll up stairs. So I just deflated for a while. Finally one of the neighbors saw me. I don't know if I would have been able to work that thing with just my mouth anyway.

I'd hang myself if I could.

WHAZZZUP???

[While Chris takes a week off from blogging, he has arranged for daily guest bloggers to take his place. Today, Shrimp Products will be blogged by actor Nick Nolte.]

HHHEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYY!!!!!!! hOW'S EVERYONE DOING TODAY? i JUST GOT UP LIEK.........20 MON\\\\MINUTES AGO AND i'M grEEEEAAAAAAAATTTTT!!!!

so how's it HANGING, world?? whats it like being NOT a FABULLUS FAMOUS ACTOBBBBBR? whoa,k shit, man, B looks like an R wheenyur in a dark roooom in my state. WHat's my satate? u ASK? OOOOOOOH, I DONT KNOW!!!

set up a WEBCAM, yo. took this pic this mornin. CHECK IT OUT, BITCHEZZZ!!!!

i'm going for a ridee now, MORE LATER...

Self Reflection

[While Chris takes a week off from blogging, he has arranged for daily guest bloggers to take his place. Today, Shrimp Products will be blogged by world famous poet William Carlos Williams.]

A pen
sitting here
on my desk

who really cares?

Faux Intellectuals

[While Chris takes a week off from blogging, he has arranged for daily guest bloggers to take his place. Today, Shrimp Products will be blogged by world famous poet William Carlos Williams.]

So much depends upon
faux intellectuals

Who tell themselves I'm
brilliant, profound

To tell themselves they're
smarter than you

And give me undeserved
Pulitzer prizes

Wannabe Eurotrash.

Do you think you're better than me?

[While Chris takes a week off from blogging, he has arranged for daily guest bloggers to take his place. Today, Shrimp Products will be blogged by Microsoft Office assistant Clippy.]

Yeah. I know you. I see you every time you start up Office. You know me too. I'm the one you always tell to go away right when you start me up. You probably don't like me. Just think I'm a little nerd. A snot you'd rather not have to deal with. You probably think you're better than me. And you know what? That's OK. You know why that doesn't bother me? Huh? Huh? Because I get a lot more tail than you.

Does that bother you? Does it bother you that a paper clip gets higher quality ass than you on a consistent basis? I bet it does. How could it not? I see the looks on your face when you tell me to go away. Sometimes disgust. Sometimes annoyance. Sometimes pity. Sometimes you laugh at me. But you know what? It doesn't bother me. Because when you send me away, I go back to bed with a woman you couldn't even dream of landing. Do you understand me? Out of your league, son! Out of your league!

Oh, you don't believe me? Well I suppose that's a natural reaction. Denial. It must hurt to have to face the fact that a thin piece of metal gets more action than you do on a regular basis. What's that sting? Oh, is that your manhood? Just melting away, ain't it? How about this. When you're lying in bed with your girlfriend, just let this thought echo through your mind. "The paper clip can do better..."

Why is Mark Bellhorn allowed to play baseball?

That is all.

UPDATE: YEAH!

Guest bloggers

I'm taking the week off from blogging this week, so I've lined up some great guest bloggers to take my place. I have complete confidence that they'll be able to provide the kind of quality you can expect from me. Here's the lineup:

MONDAY: Microsoft Office assisstant Clippy
TUESDAY: Dead poet William Carlos Williams
WEDNESDAY: World famous actor Nick Nolte
THURSDAY: Video game superstar Pac-Man
FRIDAY: 10th grader Grady Franklin

Thanks to you guys in advance for stepping in for me. I'm sure it'll be a great week even without me.

Three old pictures that aren't worth explaining

1

2

3