The cold war escalates

To bother someone living down the hall, large Irish Boston resident (and Kerry supporter) Chris taped a picture of a smiling George and Laura Bush to his door. This bothered his roomate, Russian peeping tom Igor, who dislikes Bush as much as, well, Chris does, actually. This incited a fight about posting things on doors.

IGOR: Take that shit down or I'll take it down!
CHRIS: It's my door too!
IGOR: I know but I don't want that shit on my door!
CHRIS: It's both of our door, you can have the top of the door!

So the next day, Igor responded by putting Yankees signs on their door. Chris is a lifelong Red Sox fan. Unfortunately for Igor, as a Russian, his grammar is far from perfect. As a result, taunting signs such as "26 against 5, in 86 years it will against 6!" lost some of their rhetorical punch. Chris came home on Thursday seeing these signs on the door and immediately ripped them down. Chaos ensued.

This caused a shouting match that lasted for about half an hour. Five minutes were recorded on audio and about eleven minutes were caught on video. The video is huge right now, so we're going to try and compress it so we can pass it around and offer it up online. But here are some of the highlights.

IGOR: You're drinking your own grave!
CHRIS: I'm drigging my grave? Make fucking sense!

CHRIS: You need to learn to compromise!
IGOR: You need to learn to compromise!
CHRIS: You just keep repeating everything I say! Say something else!
IGOR: ...Exactly.

IGOR: No, I don't want anything in the door because I'm tired of arguing like four year olds.
CHRIS: Dude, I just called you a four year old ten minutes ago.
IGOR: You called me a two year old.

IGOR: What is wrong with you, do you think you're better than people?
CHRIS: I think I'm better than you.
IGOR: Well, whoopdie doo, great one...Should I build you a statue?
CHRIS: You do whatever the hell you want to do.
IGOR: That's OK...I already have enough to piss on.
CHRIS: MAKE FUCKING SENSE!

Just about right after they were done fighting about the door, they started fighting about other things. Igor wanted to put on the flourescent light, but Chris thought it was too bright. He told Igor to turn on his lamp, but Igor didn't like it because it wasn't bright enough and he said it shined in his eyes.

IGOR: I don't like the lamp, it shines in my eyes.
CHRIS: So don't look at it!
IGOR: I can't not look at it!
CHRIS: Just don't look at the light! You can look away, you're not a fucking bug!
IGOR: What?
CHRIS: Bugs are attracted to light, they fly towards it.
IGOR: Prove it.
CHRIS: Show me a fucking text book that says it.
IGOR: Show me a text book that doesn't say it.

IGOR: I don't like the lamp, the light shines right at me!
CHRIS: It's fucking light, what light doesn't shine at you?
IGOR: A flashlight.
CHRIS: A FLASHLIGHT FLASHES RIGHT AT YOU!
IGOR: ...Exactly.

CHRIS: Don't push me.
IGOR: I'm sorry, excuse me.
CHRIS: Yeah, you'd better say excuse me because I don't want your dirty fucking hands on me.
IGOR: Oh, yeah, I'm dirty...what's your point?
CHRIS: That you're dirty.

Bewilderingly Brilliant Balderdashery

Robert Opal
A man who had to be rescued by the police after becoming trapped in his own septic tank.
The Fork

“Knick-Knack”
A woman has a midlife crisis after someone robs her house and eats her seven purebred dogs.
Me

“One Body Too Many”
A plane carrying eunuchs crashes over New Mexico scattering corpses everywhere.
The Fork

“One Body Too Many”
A waitress is stunned to find her frequent back aches are caused by remains of an unborn conjoined twin in the small of her back.
Dan

“Anything Can Happen”
A bombshell blonde, a black man, and a donkey get trapped in an elevator.
Dan

You know you're tired when...

You spell "writers" with an h.

That's my lame update for today, and it actually came tomorrow. I'll make it up to you, baby, I promise! (channeling Tim Meadows as Ike Turner)

Scenes from Hell, 2

VIRGIL: This is the ring of the slothful. Here, the condemned must run perpetually, pushing giant boulders to make up for their slothfulness in life.
DANTE: Why aren't they running very fast?
DEMON 1: Hey! Get up! Start running! Come on, what did I just say? Get up!
DEMON 2: They're not listening to you! What do we do now?
DEMON 1: Get up! This is Hell! Get working!
(A slothful person walks by slowly without a boulder, yawning)
DEMON 1: Hey! What are you yawning about? Where's your boulder?
SLOTH 1: Shut up.
DEMON 1: Don't tell me to shut up! I own your soul!
SLOTH 1: Meh.
DEMON 2: We can't let this go on.
SLOTH 2: Hey, look! Instead of pushing these boulders around all day, you can lie on them pretty easily.
SLOTH 3: Wow, this is comfortable.
SLOTH 4: I could fall asleep!
SLOTH 5: The fire perpetually nipping at our heels can't even reach us up here. This is great!
DEMON 1: Hey! Come on!
DEMON 2: We need help. Call Satan.
DEMON 1: No! We can handle this. Besides, he'll kill us.
DEMON 2: He'll be madder if he sees this and we haven't called him. Look! They barbequing!
DEMON 1: Hey, put down those hot dogs!
SLOTH 6: You want one?
SLOTH 7: Could I get a burger? Medium rare.
SLOTH 6: Make it yourself!
SLOTH 7: Eh, forget it.
DEMON 2: We need to call him.
DEMON 1: No!
(DEMON 2 jumps at DEMON 1. DEMON 1 tries to wrestle DEMON 2 to the ground, but DEMON 2 gets to the phone.)
DEMON 2: (over a PA system) Satan to Ring Five, Satan to Ring Five.
DEMON 1: Damn you! Now you've done it.
SATAN: What's going on in here? I leave you two in charge and the place goes to Hell.
DEMON 2: They're out of control, Sir.
SATAN: HEY!
SLOTH 8: Oh crap, it's the boss!
SLOTH 9: Get back to work! (They jump off the boulders and push them quickly)
DEMON 2: We're very sorry, Sir. It won't happen again, we promise.
SATAN: Yeah, I'm sure. (grumbling) middle managers...

Miscaptioned in the Washingon Post

Number one.

Numbers two and three.

Three is my favorite. That can't be a mistake. It's too perfect.

Deep inside the cave and loving it

Some people believe in the Platonic idea that there is an objective truth out there that we should all be striving for. The ultimate truth, they say, is the key to living a happy, fulfilled life. It is what separates man from the gods. I, on the other hand, am a simpler person. I don't know if we can ever understand any kind of ultimate truth, and we have more of a chance of living a fulfilled and happy life if we enjoy it for its details and think about its simpler joys and mysteries.

Like what if Pac-Man had teeth? Would it change anything? I've always contented that those dots he eats are semi-liquid, something like Jello maybe (in fact, that is the thesis of a paper I will be submitting to several science journals). There seems to be no other reasonable explanation for his ability to cram those things so fast. But what about our perception of Pac-Man? Would we be able to think of him in the same way ever again? Draw Pac-Man. Now add some teeth. Not the same, is it? Something just doesn't look right. Now draw him again with sharp, jagged fangs. Now he's vicious. I hate him.

I've always thought of Pac-Man as a kind of working class hero. He goes out there every day and does his job without question. And what does he get for it? A few measly points and a piece of fruit now and then. He's not particularly skilled but he works hard. And I like that about him. But Pac-Man with fangs? Where's the simple circle that used to personify the working class struggle by getting out there every day and working hard for his paltry wages? He's just not a regular guy anymore. He's an aggressor.

I think Jared Fogle would make a good lawyer. Don't you? There's just a certain authority about the guy. When he says that there are seven subs with under six grams of fat at Subway, I believe him. I'm not a nutritionist. I can't judge how much fat is in something just by looking at it or even if I hear a list of ingredients. But when Jared says it, I believe him. I'm a cynical teenager living in the information age who has been bombarded with advertising for my entire life. But when Jared says something, I believe it.

Think about him giving a closing statement. The other side would have no chance! He's just a regular guy who wrote to Subway to thank him for providing him the means to lose so much weight. Why shouldn't I trust him when he tells me the defendant couldn't possibly have cut the body into piece and dumped it into his car without getting a drop of blood on himself? Plus, I bet he could make some kick-ass metaphors with those pants. There's nothing like a giant pair of pants to hammer home a point with a jury.

Why do so few wrestling feuds end in murder? I mean don't get me wrong. I would never advocate murder. But it seems like in the long, illustrious history of professional wrestling it would have happened at least once. Have you seen what these people do to each other? They try and destroy their opponents' lives! They stalk their wives, throw each other in coffins, let snakes loose in their dressing rooms, wreck their cars, make fun of them in front of large crowds (a lot more traumatic than you think). I'm afraid one of these days it's just going to get out of line. I'm telling you, you can only tell me to "suck it" so many times before I start shooting.

Do you think a professional wrestler would be able to recover from that? You've seen these good guys get put into headlocks. All it takes is the crowd cheering and they get out of it. Wouldn't that be awesome to see a guy get shot in the chest six times or so and get rallied back to his feet while the bad guy waves his gun in the air wildly in horror trying to shut the crowd up.

ASHLEE SIMPSON TONIGHT ON 60 MINUTES

7:00 EST tonight on CBS, Ashlee Simpson will be on 60 Minutes. And not like "Ashlee Simpson explains herself, tonight on 60 Minutes." Like "We have the footage of Ashlee running offstage after embarrassing herself on 60 Minutes." I'll watch it and relay what happens. I want Shrimp Products to be remembered one day as having been on the front lines of Ashleegate.

UPDATE: Don't know what's going on where you are, but here in Boston the Patriots game is (predictably) running long. Hang in there.

UPDATE 2: I just saw it and I'm bumping this to the top (meaning there may be stuff you haven't seen yet underneath this post). It was barely about Ashlee. I was surprised that Lorne didn't know she was going to lip sync (if I believe him, which I don't necessarily do; am I supposed to believe that the sound guys didn't tell Lorne about it?). The most enlightening moments came when Leslie Stahl interviewed a priest who said that though he forces children to give him blow jobs, he still thinks she's a worthless piece of shit. After that, Stahl went into an all-too-brief discussion of the significance of Garbasail.

A question I never expect to hear again

CHRIS: Have you ever seen "Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles?"

GTA San Andreas choice moments

Jesse picks up a girl, takes her behind a bridge, enjoys himself, watches the woman leave his car and walk into some weeds under a bridge, shoots her once in the head leaving her deep in the weeds under the bridge, and pummels her body to leave it unrecognizable. Just like it happens in real life.

It's fun to spray someone in the face with a spray can and watch them cough.

Charlie is trying to get to a jump in a remote part of town so he can go off it with a dirt bike. Jesse, telling Charlie he can enter a code to get a dirt bike, gives him the suicide code. Charlie kills himself. Later, Charlie is still trying to get to the jump. I tell him that he can enter a code for fast cars. I give him the suicide code again, but my voice gives me away while I'm trying to not laugh. Charlie figures it out before the last button, but Jeff runs over and pushes it on his controller, killing him again. Later, Charlie is still trying to get to the jump. Ben says he will give Charlie the real code for fast cars. He gives Charlie the first five buttons of the real code, throwing Charlie off the track, then makes Charlie kill himself for a third time. Finally, Charlie gets to the jump with a motorcycle. He goes off it, clips the beginning of the landing and somersaults over the bars. He then decides to go off the jump on a tractor. Jesse tells him to enter the code for flying cars but instead puts a bounty on his head (and at this point, Charlie has already been fooled into giving the civilians weapons and putting them in riot mode). Charlie gets a good head start for the jump, but on his way, someone shoots out one of the tires on his tractor. He wouldn't have made the jump anyway, but with the flat tire, he wobbles off the huge jump and lands face down in the water.

Irony and a continued obsession with Hell

Do masochists go to Heaven if they've been bad and Hell if they've been good?