4. Stop eating white bread.
3. Lose some weight, will ya Tubsy?
2. Stay out of the living room.
1. Lay me to rest on the front lawn in a giant pyramid made of crackers.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Friday, December 03, 2004
Thursday, December 02, 2004
235
3 got me thinking. What other celebrities really deserve a biopic?
I don't think I even need to say it. You already know, don't you?
Think about it. It's got drama (teased fat man overcomes his oppressors with his great new look and his small new pants). It's got comedy (fat people in just about any situation are funny; picture Jared struggling with a pickle jar for ten real-time minutes only to have some little kid open it for him or falling down the stairs and landing on a small dog). It'll be the feel-good story of the year. And no characters driving into walls even though they've made a career of turning left.
I'm going to write this screenplay and I'm confident it will be the vehicle to propel me into the big-time. Keep reading future installments of Shrimp Products to get excerpts as I write them.
Top Four Relevations To Be Revealed By The Jared Fogle Biopic "235"
4. For years, lived off royalty checks earned by being in all that stock footage on the news of fat people walking down the street from the neck down.
3. He was slated to be a McDonald's spokesman but he couldn't fit into the purple suit.
2. Jared realized he had a problem after his loving mother called him a "fat fucking loser. Look at you, you tub. Don't you have any self-respect? I mean, for the love of Christ! You weigh as much as a dump truck! And not just any dump truck, a dump truck filled with hamburgers, you piece of crap. No, piece of crap isn't a good description. You're not a piece of anything. You're the whole fucking thing, and then some. You weigh more than my Cadillac! Pig. Lose some weight."
1. He gets more women than the rest of us combined.
I SHOULD EXPLAIN MYSELF UPDATE: The title refers to the number of pounds Jared lost eating Subway.
I don't think I even need to say it. You already know, don't you?
Think about it. It's got drama (teased fat man overcomes his oppressors with his great new look and his small new pants). It's got comedy (fat people in just about any situation are funny; picture Jared struggling with a pickle jar for ten real-time minutes only to have some little kid open it for him or falling down the stairs and landing on a small dog). It'll be the feel-good story of the year. And no characters driving into walls even though they've made a career of turning left.
I'm going to write this screenplay and I'm confident it will be the vehicle to propel me into the big-time. Keep reading future installments of Shrimp Products to get excerpts as I write them.
Top Four Relevations To Be Revealed By The Jared Fogle Biopic "235"
4. For years, lived off royalty checks earned by being in all that stock footage on the news of fat people walking down the street from the neck down.
3. He was slated to be a McDonald's spokesman but he couldn't fit into the purple suit.
2. Jared realized he had a problem after his loving mother called him a "fat fucking loser. Look at you, you tub. Don't you have any self-respect? I mean, for the love of Christ! You weigh as much as a dump truck! And not just any dump truck, a dump truck filled with hamburgers, you piece of crap. No, piece of crap isn't a good description. You're not a piece of anything. You're the whole fucking thing, and then some. You weigh more than my Cadillac! Pig. Lose some weight."
1. He gets more women than the rest of us combined.
I SHOULD EXPLAIN MYSELF UPDATE: The title refers to the number of pounds Jared lost eating Subway.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Boycott Zionist tile
Read online today:
Wait, wait...you mean the Jews have infiltrated the tile companies too now? DAMN YOU, ZIONIST TILE! I'm getting wall-to-wall carpet!
even as a liberal, i like the usa.
the only problem i have with the usa is that the jews have too much power here. they corrupt things. they own the banks. they own the tile companies. they own hollywood. they shape our popular culture.
true liberals are against semetic invasions... and are against jews.
Wait, wait...you mean the Jews have infiltrated the tile companies too now? DAMN YOU, ZIONIST TILE! I'm getting wall-to-wall carpet!
Sneak preview of the new ESPN Dale Earnhardt movie (or Callously make fun of the dead week continues)
3, the Dale Earnhardt movie, is coming to ESPN on December 11th. Meanwhile, I was able to get a sneak peek at a script before the momentous event. Here's the Shrimp Products exclusive preview.
PIT CREW CHIEF: OK, Dale. Turn left...OK, you're doing great.
DALE: Thanks.
PIT CREW MEMBER: Wow, Dale's running great out there today. But why do you keep telling him to turn left?
PIT CREW CHIEF: Well, you see, Billy, NASCAR is a very complicated thing. An inbred hick like Dale can't be expected to...Dale, watch out for that wall!
(Explosion)
Can't wait to see it.
SEMI-RELATED QUESTION UPDATE: Would people who stumble across this site randomly think I'm a total bastard just because they don't know me and my friends and our inside jokes? Or are my friends and I all just total bastards?
DEFENSIVE UPDATE: I just hang out with a bad crowd. I never threw a rock through a car windshield. Never even tried.
PIT CREW CHIEF: OK, Dale. Turn left...OK, you're doing great.
DALE: Thanks.
PIT CREW MEMBER: Wow, Dale's running great out there today. But why do you keep telling him to turn left?
PIT CREW CHIEF: Well, you see, Billy, NASCAR is a very complicated thing. An inbred hick like Dale can't be expected to...Dale, watch out for that wall!
(Explosion)
Can't wait to see it.
SEMI-RELATED QUESTION UPDATE: Would people who stumble across this site randomly think I'm a total bastard just because they don't know me and my friends and our inside jokes? Or are my friends and I all just total bastards?
DEFENSIVE UPDATE: I just hang out with a bad crowd. I never threw a rock through a car windshield. Never even tried.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Don't even joke
There's nothing like a swarm of mostly anonymous Internet posters to make a horrible tragedy the hilarious joke of the day.
A whiny emo girl hired two people to kill her mother and happened to keep a blog as well, entitled...wait for it...MY CRAPPY LIFE. Someone up top has been deleting her most recent posts, like the one that said "someone murdered my mom" (she neglects to mention that she knew exactly who because she told them to) which had something like over 3000 comments. So is that what I have to do to get some readership around here? Not interested (that was my mandatory joke-killing "keep the Feds off my ass" line). I glanced through a page or two of the comments and they weren't as good as the ones in the heyday of the Ashlee Simpson fun. As of now, I have not seen a single mention of Garbasail (which is more significant than you, by the way). But I'm glad this post was discovered first by someone with a sense of subtlety.
BAD TEENAGE POETRY UPDATE: Of course there had to be some somewhere. Right now it's on the front page.
A whiny emo girl hired two people to kill her mother and happened to keep a blog as well, entitled...wait for it...MY CRAPPY LIFE. Someone up top has been deleting her most recent posts, like the one that said "someone murdered my mom" (she neglects to mention that she knew exactly who because she told them to) which had something like over 3000 comments. So is that what I have to do to get some readership around here? Not interested (that was my mandatory joke-killing "keep the Feds off my ass" line). I glanced through a page or two of the comments and they weren't as good as the ones in the heyday of the Ashlee Simpson fun. As of now, I have not seen a single mention of Garbasail (which is more significant than you, by the way). But I'm glad this post was discovered first by someone with a sense of subtlety.
BAD TEENAGE POETRY UPDATE: Of course there had to be some somewhere. Right now it's on the front page.
"Ode to Suicide"
Pain consumes my body,
eating away like lye.
Tearing at my flesh,
no more tears left to cry.
Nobody loves me,
nobody cares.
Why continue on?
I want out of these snares. [I laughed out loud at that line. And not just because she's replaced her snares for shackles. Doesn't exactly have a gift for rhythm, this one.]
Relief and release,
is what you bring to me. [Maybe this should have been called "Ode to the Hitmen"]
No more matters to cry for, [no more "matters?" It's the middle of the line, you're obviously not concerned about meter, any word will do, and you pick "matters?"]
I can finally be free. [Or imprisoned. Same difference.]
wow I suck amazingly at poetry.
You know what bugs me about that last little line? It's false modesty. Or at least no more true than her idiotic notions that "life sux, its meaningless, theres not point in going on." She thought it was good enough to post it, didn't she?
Some nice comments on that page too.
Been a while since I've read this... (Anonymous) 2004-09-23 20:14 [before the murder] You're not alone you know. I know it might feel that way sometimes, but I'm sure there's somebody out there that loves you very much. I'd bet my life on it. ^_-
Re: Been a while since I've read this... shiningglory 2004-11-27 05:04
I wouldnt bet your life on it if I were you. She might take you up on it.
(Anonymous) 2004-11-26 08:36
Sweetiedarlingemotits, suicide involves killing yourself. Recent news reports suggest you're unclear on the concept.
she_saw_stars 2004-11-26 19:25
Damn, where were you two weeks ago?!nakedinnj 2004-11-27 06:14
Free as a jail bird...Tell Big Bertha I say hello.
GROSS OVERSIGHT ON MY PART UPDATE: Get up to speed on the facts to better appreciate the horrible hilarity.
THIS GIRL IS PRESCIENT UPDATE:
they hold the key to my chamber
locked within it's depths.
never to see the sunlight,
and contemplating death.
starving more than one way
soul and body combine,
the pain curses through
sending chills up the spine.
will I live to see the stars?
the sunrise once more?
or will I wither and rot
my heart gone forevermore.
Byron White to come out of retirement, rejoin Supreme Court next session
DENVER--Former Supreme Court Justice Byron White will come out of retirement and return to the Supreme Court next session, he announced in a press conference Sunday. "I just needed a break in '93," White said of his retirement. "I was completely exhausted. I was away from my family all session. I needed some time off." White insisted he had never planned on leaving the judicial branch of government forever.
"I never wanted to leave the game forever," he said. "I tried commentary but it wasn't the same. I need to be out there on the bench making rulings, writing dissenting opinions, and being out there every night doing what I love to do." White, originally nominated to the bench by Dwight Eisenhower, said he was not worried about the age issue. "I know my body and I know I'm capable of getting out there every day and doing my job."
Supreme Court watcher Jon Blane agreed. "I know he's old, but White is still capable of going out there and giving 100% every night. Some of the younger players will have to go out there and earn their judicial time." Blane specifically said that Clinton appointees Stephen Breyer and Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be the first to feel the heat from White's return. "Ginsburg has gone out there and made a name for herself. She may be a liberal under a conservative President, but she still sells ticket. Breyer has to watch out or he'll be on the bench soon."
Blane later clarified that he didn't mean the bench of the Supreme Court, but was simply making a sports metaphor in a place where he later admitted one might not have been appropriate.
[To be expanded. For those interested, Byron White is dead, as is every other retired Supreme Court justice, but I like this concept too much to let it go. This guy died in 2002 so he won.]
"I never wanted to leave the game forever," he said. "I tried commentary but it wasn't the same. I need to be out there on the bench making rulings, writing dissenting opinions, and being out there every night doing what I love to do." White, originally nominated to the bench by Dwight Eisenhower, said he was not worried about the age issue. "I know my body and I know I'm capable of getting out there every day and doing my job."
Supreme Court watcher Jon Blane agreed. "I know he's old, but White is still capable of going out there and giving 100% every night. Some of the younger players will have to go out there and earn their judicial time." Blane specifically said that Clinton appointees Stephen Breyer and Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be the first to feel the heat from White's return. "Ginsburg has gone out there and made a name for herself. She may be a liberal under a conservative President, but she still sells ticket. Breyer has to watch out or he'll be on the bench soon."
Blane later clarified that he didn't mean the bench of the Supreme Court, but was simply making a sports metaphor in a place where he later admitted one might not have been appropriate.
[To be expanded. For those interested, Byron White is dead, as is every other retired Supreme Court justice, but I like this concept too much to let it go. This guy died in 2002 so he won.]
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Best of Balderdash -- Thanksgiving Edition
From this week's game:
"The Lolly Madonna War"
A lollipop manufacturer, scarred by his years in Catholic School, begins assassinating nuns.
Me
"The Yellow Cab Man"
A man thinks he is transformed into a taxi but is really just running around New York City really fast carrying people on his back.
Me
"The Yellow Cab Man"
A taxi driving instructor is chased by bad buys who are after his secret formula.
Real
"Girl In His Pocket"
A growing boy explains his spontaneous erections by claiming "There's a girl in my pocket."
The Fork
March 26, 1937
In Vienna, a duck causes a train car to derail and destroy a statue of Beethoven.
Rioux
"The Lolly Madonna War"
A lollipop manufacturer, scarred by his years in Catholic School, begins assassinating nuns.
Me
"The Yellow Cab Man"
A man thinks he is transformed into a taxi but is really just running around New York City really fast carrying people on his back.
Me
"The Yellow Cab Man"
A taxi driving instructor is chased by bad buys who are after his secret formula.
Real
"Girl In His Pocket"
A growing boy explains his spontaneous erections by claiming "There's a girl in my pocket."
The Fork
March 26, 1937
In Vienna, a duck causes a train car to derail and destroy a statue of Beethoven.
Rioux
A distressing private thought
I sound like a gay supervillian.
QUALIFICATION UPDATE: Well, most of the time.
CONTEMPLATIVE UPDATE: I think that actually makes it worse.
QUALIFICATION UPDATE: Well, most of the time.
CONTEMPLATIVE UPDATE: I think that actually makes it worse.
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