It gets better and better

I'm wasting time on Wikipedia and I came across an article for List of movies that have been considered among the worst ever. One truly stood out.

It's called "Santa With Muscles."

Now that alone is spectacular. I could walk away from my computer right now and have a good laugh that there ever existed a movie that went by the name "Santa With Muscles."

But then it gets better.

The description:
"Features professional wrestler Hulk Hogan in a Santa Claus outfit,"

OK, OK. Now you probably think that's the peak, right? It's not over yet though.

"fighting with Ed Begley, Jr"

Pause...

"for control of mysterious crystals"

...you think I'm done, don't you.

"beneath an orphanage"

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH FUCKING GOD! HULK HOGAN IN A FUCKING SANTA OUTFIT FIGHTING WITH ED FUCKING BEGLEY JR. OVER MYSTERIOUS CRYSTALS HIDDEN BENEATH A FUCKING ORPHANAGE! That REAL description tops the very best of the best of Balderdash.

Oh, and I forgot.

"Featuring a Clint Howard cameo"

MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP!

Just picture this movie in your mind. Close your eyes and envision an orphanage. Kids are tucked tightly in their beds while Ed Begley Jr. sneaks around dressed in black holding a bag, digging underneath. He comes across the mysterious crystals he's been looking for, gives an evil smirk and laughs to himself when suddenly over his shoulder he hears a deep voice dramatically say "Not...so...fast..." His grin turns to a look of comedic dread, he slowly turns around....

AND IT'S FUCKING HULK HOGAN IN A FUCKING SANTA CLAUSE OUTFIT!!!!!!

Then I can picture Clint Howard as the local cop pulling up to the orphanage, seeing Hulk Hogan dressed up as Santa Claus beating on Ed Begley Jr. with all the kids cheering Santa Hogan on, getting out of his car, scratching his head, and doing that squinty look I've seen him do. Then he walks up to Hogan and Hogan turns around and says "Don't worry, Officer. Everything's under control here. HO HO HO!"

THIS IS SO FUCKING CLEAR IN MY MIND I COULD DIRECT THIS MOTHERFUCKER AND IT WOULD BE FRAME BY FRAME IDENTICAL TO THIS ONE.

Look at this poster! Just look at it! This is art. This is art.

(An odd aside, on the first page of Google Image results for Santa With Muscles is this beauty entitled "Beefcake 2")

This is amazing. This may top Paul Anka. Before you gasp, let me remind you what we're talking about here.

HULK HOGAN AND ED BEGLEY, JR. FIGHTING OVER CRYSTALS UNDERNEATH AN ORPHANAGE. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

I TOLD YOU, I SEE THIS MOVIE IN MY MIND UPDATE: I swear to God I only saw this site after I wrote the above.

Thorne gets into a game of paintball, ends up being chased by a cop (played by Ron Howard's brother)

I told you, I fucking KNOW this movie.

CONTEMPLATION UPDATE: Hulk Hogan made a movie called Mr. Nanny where he plays a big tough guy who has to be a nanny or something along those lines. Now think about this for a second. Hulk Hogan as Mr. Nanny...AND IT DOES NOT EVEN BEGIN TO COMPARE TO SANTA WITH MUSCLES.