Marmaduke isn't funny

As a comedian (don't laugh, that wasn't a joke), I get offended when I see people who are not funny calling themselves comedians (please stop laughing, I am aware you may see some irony in that, but I don't want to get into that). For example, Marmaduke.

Marmaduke always bothered me. Here was a "comic" that was just plain not funny. Even when I would read the Comics page at whatever young age kids read the Comics page, I always felt like Marmaduke insulted my intelligence.

Let's just look at the Marmaduke archives page. First, March 8th. Full disclosure: I laughed out loud when I read this comic. But in my defense, it is only because I never could have imagined the first Marmaduke cartoon I looked at would so perfectly prove my point. Marmaduke is running into the house with a suitcase. As he rushes by the baldo at the door, he is asked "Planning a lengthy stay?"

That's it, folks.

This is a one-panel cartoon (I actually didn't know that; I only remember reading the Sunday strips). That is all there is. There's no set up. The reader just needs to take for granted the fact that this dog has gone out and found a fucking suitcase somewhere and brought it home.

March 7th. We find Marmaduke behind a couch napping. A little girl peeks over the edge of the couch and, frustrated, reminds Marmaduke that they are playing Hide-and-Go-Seek, not Hide-and-Go-Sleep.

Har. Har. Har. That's all you can say, really.

Here's a Sunday strip. I honestly don't have a clue what's supposed to be funny about this. This cartoon is completely incoherent. Marmaduke is sleeping by an empty window underneath a full moon. He is dreaming about a paler version of himself looking at a full moon. The moon explodes which scares pale Marmaduke which wakes real Marmaduke. Marmaduke runs behind a couch (screaming "Wawahhr") and the wife deadpans "It must be that full moon dream again." Really I'd like to say more about this strip but it's so incoherent there's no commentary to be made. Is there a reason he's dreaming about a full moon while there's actually a full moon? Does he only have this dream when there's a full moon? Is this some kind of inside joke or sophisticated satire I don't get? I don't know. I just don't know.

However, I do know that it's not funny.