An angry response to all (and none) of your letters

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This column has been lots of fun for me and I've had a great time writing it all year. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the opportunity I was given and I want to thank all of you for reading. That's why I decided at the beginning of the year to dedicate this last column to answering some of the letters you sent me.

As it turns out, though, I have no readers - or at least no letters from readers to answer. When I came up with this idea, I figured I'd have a few and I could slap together a couple words of gratitude here and a few words of wisdom there and phone this one in so I could put this thing to rest and start studying for finals already. But I've never been one to let reality get in the way of a good idea. That's why they installed a guardrail on top of Johnnycake Mountain back in my hometown. Because of me. So anyway, here are some questions I came up with to ask myself that I might have received from readers had they been sent.



Dear Chris,

How long does it take you on average to complete a column?

-Scott Puritan



Dear Scott,

That reminds me of a dream I had the other night. In my dream, Dean Elmore was extremely fond of pajamas. In fact, his enjoyment of pajamas was so great, that he decided to change his name from Kenneth Elmore to Kenneth Pajamore in order to honor pajamas. He said to himself, "I love pajamas so much. How can I tell the world?" And then he came upon the answer. "I'll change my name. Kenneth Pajamas!" he cried triumphantly. But soon, he was dissatisfied. "No," he said. "Too obvious." And then, it came to him like a flash of lightning. "Kenneth Pajamore! It's subtle. It rolls off the tongue like poetry. Yes, Kenneth Pajamore it is."

What is the point of this little anecdote? There's no point, really. I'm just trying to sustain the reader interest that fell straight off the map as soon as you opened your dumb mouth and asked that awful question.



Dear Chris,

How do you come up with ideas for your columns? And why is your column called "The Whole Truth?"

-Boxley Fryer



Dear Boxley,

That's two questions. Don't get greedy. There's no need for that. No need.



Dear Chris,

What made you decide that you wanted to write an op-ed column for the Free Press?

-Maryann Kannberg



Dear Maryann,

I don't know. What made you decide that you had nothing better to do than waste my time with such a boring question? Do you enjoy wasting my time? Do you? Why don't you do us all a favor and take a vow of silence, preferably on an island thousands of miles from shore where you can't bother us with your chattering inanity.



Dear Chris,

What's your take on Lamar Advertising (LAMR on Nasdaq)?

-Gary Young



Dear Gary,

I'm not as bullish on Lamar as I was six weeks ago. I'm advising a hold. Don't go selling just yet, but don't go buying any more than you have now until you know where it's going in the future.



Dear Chris,

I think I saw you in one of my lectures. Are you in my class?

-Bob Nastanovich



Dear Bob,

First of all, congrats on having the most boring name in the English language. You must have been some kind of kid to inspire your parents to say "he looks like a Bob to me." And to never become a Rob or a Bobby or some other nickname in your life - you must be a blast to hang out with.

As to your question, it is entirely possible that I'm in your class as I do take classes here. I would tell you to ask me next time you think you see me, but if I saw a fellow like you lumbering up to me, I'd probably hide my face in my hands or make an escape out the nearest exit. Best of luck catching me, though.



Dear Chris,

Are all the stories you've told over the course of the semester true?

-Steve Malkmus



Next.



Dear Chris,

This is sad. Why are you bickering with yourself?

-Chris



Dear Chris,

I don't know. I guess I just get too carried away with things, like this idea. That is yet another reason why there's a guardrail around Johnnycake Mountain back in my hometown. As a matter of fact, it's also the reason why I have five boxes of business cards sitting unopened in my room reading "Chris Sartinsky: The Amazing Flying Boy! Available for Sporting Events, Concerts, Barbeques, Dinner Parties and All Your Social Gatherings (parachute provided)." Anyway, it's about time I head on down the dusty trail. But I feel like I should end the semester on a joke.

If I ever get run over, I hope it's by an ambulance.

There.