Clownin' Aroun'

(written with Christian Lynch after opening for an improv group)

MIKEY
Hey, guys! I’m Mikey—

MIKE
I’m Mike—

GC
And I’m G.C. And we’re—

ALL
Just Clownin’ Aroun’!

MIKEY
OK, hey guys, I’d just like to tell you that we perform every Tuesday and Wednesday at Jelly Bean’s Comedy Showcase downtown at 3:30 in the afternoon.

GC
That’s right, Mikey. OK, this first sketch is for Mikey and Mike.

MIKEY and MIKE give each other high fives and run in circles around GC.

GC
You guys! OK, OK, OK. Now for this first sketch, we need a location. Someone give us a location?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
Hospital!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
Theater!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3
Classroom!

GC
All right, I heard CVS. CVS?

MIKEY and MIKE nod, looking focused.

GC
Great. Aaaaannndd—scene!

MIKEY and MIKE shuffle around awkwardly for a second, bumping into each other and getting into position. Finally, Mikey acts as if he is standing behind a counter and Mike approaches holding an imaginary bottle.

MIKE
Ah, yes, Mr., uh, pharmacist. I would like to, uh, purchase these, uh pills.

MIKEY
(shouting, hamming it up)
OK, let’s just see what we—whoa! Butt pills!

MIKE
Yes, I, uh—

MIKEY
(struggling to stop laughing)
Boy, what kind of problem do you have that you need pills for your butt!

MIKE
(laughing)
Well, I just want to buy these pills—

MIKEY
(laughing hysterically)
OK, man, just keep your butt away from me!

GC
Aaaaand—freeze! OK, great job guys. Now, we need more suggestions from you, the audience. OK, so Mikey, here, he’s a pharmacist now, but he also used to have another job, what is it?

There is a silence.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4
You suck.

CLOWNIN’ AROUN’ looks at each other, frozen for a second.

GC
OK, I heard—soccer player. He’s a soccer player. And now Mike is doing something strange as well, what is it?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4
Sucking at improv.

MIKEY
OK, you know what? Wiseass. Now we’re not going to finish the sketch. How do you feel about yourself?

GC
Calm down Mikey, calm down.

MIKE
OK, we’re just going to move on. The next thing we’re going to do is a song. For this we need someone from the audience.

CUT TO

The first couple rows of the audience, all of whom scramble out of their seats when Mike approaches except for GIRL WITH CRUTCHES who only looks at everyone else running away, panicked.

MIKE
(approaching GIRL WITH CRUTCHES)
OK, how about you?

MIKE grabs her chair and slides her up to the other two.

MIKEY
OK, miss, what’s your name?

GIRL WITH CRUTCHES
Sarah.

GC
Uh huh. Now tell us—what’s your love life like?

GIRL WITH CRUTCHES
Well, my boyfriend just died.

CLOWNIN’ AROUN’ pause and look at each other, unsure of what to do.

MIKEY
You know what guys? I can do it.

MIKE
You sure?

MIKEY
Yeah, just give me back up.

GC provides MIKEY with an a cappella backing. MIKE echoes the last few words of every line.

MIKEY
(singing)
He was so young.
Cut down in the prime of life.
There was no need!
No need!
What a world! How was he killed?

GIRL WITH CRUTCHES
(starting to sob)
He was stabbed by a mugger.

MIKEY
Cut down in the night!
By a shadowy assassin!
They were thinking of marriage—
Were you thinking of marriage?

GIRL WITH CRUTCHES
(now bawling uncontrollably)
Yes! Oh God yes!

MIKEY
The horrible irony!

MIKE
That’s hilaaaaaaarious!

ALL THREE
The horrible irony!

CLOWNIN’ AROUN’ finishes dramatically and looks at Sarah, noticing seemingly for the first time that she is crying as hard as a person can cry. They suddenly become nervous.

MIKE
(quietly)
OK, thanks.

MIKEY slides her chair back into the audience.

GC
Thank you. Yes.

MIKEY
(obviously shaken)
Once again, Jelly Bean’s, Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons. Wow. OK, we’ve got time for one more, for this one we need a location.

There is silence. Finally, someone speaks up.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5
Saloon.

MIKEY
A what?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5
A saloon.

GC
No, I don’t think that one will—

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5
No, do a saloon.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 6
Yeah.

CLOWNIN’ AROUN’ looks at each other. They mouth “what’s that?” and “I don’t know” to one another. It is obvious that none of them knows what a saloon is.

GC
Saloon, huh? OK. We’ll do a saloon then.

CLOWNIN’ AROUN’ try to follow each others’ lead. GC mimes typing at a typewriter, MIKE mimes juggling. They see each other and switch at the same time. MIKEY pretends to be driving past them and the other two follow him, also steering. When they speak, their voices are all shaking.

MIKEY
Here I come, in my—saloon.

GC
Hey! Sa—saloon coming through!

MIKE
I’ve—I’ve got a saloon too, guys!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 7
You guys don’t know what a saloon is, huh.

CLOWNIN’ AROUN’ looks at each other. GC mimes pressing on a horn.

GC
Beep beep?

There is a short pause.

MIKEY
OK, well that’s all the time we have, remember, Jelly Bean’s, we’re Clownin’ Aroun’.