Thanks to BORED for the link. There it is, my article Bush, bin Laden trade bodies for a day, gain renewed appreciated for one another right underneath several links about girls in bikinis and right above several links about poop.
This actually isn't my first non-Burlington link. I got one from Random Thoughts from SoCal for my post about that whiny emo girl who kept a Livejournal and had her mother killed, but I only discovered it recently on my nifty Technorati profile because no one clicked on that link. Sorry, but it's the truth.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Scottywood
Not only is Scottywood art, he's moving up the corporate ladder. Is anyone else disturbed that Scottywood is more successful than them? I mean how many times has he won the NGW Championship? I haven't won it once!
He also takes a gratuitous cheap shot at me. No class.
He also takes a gratuitous cheap shot at me. No class.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Charles: two sentences to be translated for his Hindi presentation about his winter vacation
Home appeared good. There was a tree in front of the window.
As seen by The Fork in a game of Counter-Strike
"It's not rape, it's surprise sex."
AN EVEN BETTER ONE UPDATE: "Once I punched a baby."
AN EVEN BETTER ONE UPDATE: "Once I punched a baby."
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
A BU student following in her father's footprints
Simpson's daughter charged with fighting
Hey. It could be worse.
WOW, I'LL REMEMBER THAT...FACE UPDATE: Not just a Simpson with a violent temper, but she's built like a running back too.
Hey. It could be worse.
WOW, I'LL REMEMBER THAT...FACE UPDATE: Not just a Simpson with a violent temper, but she's built like a running back too.
My script for Tilt
I've decided that what I really want to do with my life is become a staff writer for television's new phenomenon "Tilt." Of course there's only been one episode, but it was so well done that I think I already have a feel for the show and its characters. Of course I don't want to be just another staff writer. I want to bring my own unique twist to the show. Here's a scene for my script in progress for an episode of "Tilt."
HUMPTY DUMPTY: I'll raise $2,000.
WAYNE NEWTON: How much you got? I'll put you all in
HUMPTY DUMPTY: I'll fold.
WAYNE NEWTON: (turns over his cards, revealing no hand) Sorry. Can't really teach you about a good bluff, because you never see it coming (His grizzled companions laugh and Humpty Dumpty looks uncomfortable as Wayne Newton moves the chips into his pile). All right, deal the cards.
(Everyone looks at their cards. Everyone up to Wayne Newton folds.)
WAYNE NEWTON: I'm in.
JARED FOGLE: So am I.
PAUL ANKA: I'll call.
(Jared and Paul look around the table. They see the poker players giving secret signals to Wayne Newton)
JARED FOGLE: (whispering to Paul) I think they're cheating.
PAUL ANKA: There's some loose shit going on around here. (He stands up at the table) Who's the guy on the end there? You.
POKER PLAYER ON THE END: (in the middle of signalling something to Wayne Newton) Me?
PAUL ANKA: First order of business, no tee shirts in the tournament. You hear what I'm saying? (To the tournament director) What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? The guys get shirts. That's just the fucking way it is.
TOURNAMENT DIRECTOR: I'm sorry, I thought it was OK.
PAUL ANKA: You thought, you thought, you thought eight things tonight! You're all on fucking notice. The guys get shirts! Don't make a maniac out of me! The guys get shirts! We're not going to be as strong as our weakest link. The guys get shirts! That's just the way it fucking works.
(Wayne Newton is looking at a poker player giving him signals)
PAUL ANKA: What are you looking at?
WAYNE NEWTON: Well I was kind of waiting for you to play.
PAUL ANKA: Who are you watching? Let me ask you this. A pilot is landing his plane, he not only looks at the runway, he looks at the fucking instruments as he's landing. What are you watching?
WAYNE NEWTON: I'm usually watching you.
PAUL ANKA: Don't make a fucking maniac out of me! I don't get it. I don't get it, do you understand that? What do you want? Do you want fucking Vinnie Falcone up front? Do you want me to get a tournament director to ride your fucking ass? That's just the fucking way it is.
WAYNE NEWTON: OK--
PAUL ANKA: Don't make a fucking maniac out of me. When I fucking move, I slice like a fucking hammer. I'm the only important one at this table and you know it. Where's Joe?
WAYNE NEWTON: Well I can--
PAUL ANKA: Do you get full value on your chips? I want full value on my fucking tournament entry fee. Can any of you guys help him out? Can I get some fucking knowledge in here?
JARED FOGLE: I have an idea--
PAUL ANKA: I don't want an idea. I want to know what went wrong and how to fix it. That's just the fucking way it is! Do you realize how fucking crucial this is? I'm the only important one at that table and you are letting me down, do you understand that? Where's Joe? The only satisfaction I'm gonna get is reaming your fucking asses until you get it, because you don't get it because you've got no heart, no conscious, and no integrity. I have a new philosophy. If you don't do it my way, it's the highway. I don't care if you're Jesus Christ, I'm the only important one at that table. That just the kind of kick I'm. Is that good enough for you? That's just the kind of integrity kick I'm on. Do you understand where I'm coming from with integrity? Do you like your chips? Do you want your chips? If you don't like your job, you're gone. That's just the fucking way it is! Don't make a fucking maniac out of me!
...
Where's Joe?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: I'll raise $2,000.
WAYNE NEWTON: How much you got? I'll put you all in
HUMPTY DUMPTY: I'll fold.
WAYNE NEWTON: (turns over his cards, revealing no hand) Sorry. Can't really teach you about a good bluff, because you never see it coming (His grizzled companions laugh and Humpty Dumpty looks uncomfortable as Wayne Newton moves the chips into his pile). All right, deal the cards.
(Everyone looks at their cards. Everyone up to Wayne Newton folds.)
WAYNE NEWTON: I'm in.
JARED FOGLE: So am I.
PAUL ANKA: I'll call.
(Jared and Paul look around the table. They see the poker players giving secret signals to Wayne Newton)
JARED FOGLE: (whispering to Paul) I think they're cheating.
PAUL ANKA: There's some loose shit going on around here. (He stands up at the table) Who's the guy on the end there? You.
POKER PLAYER ON THE END: (in the middle of signalling something to Wayne Newton) Me?
PAUL ANKA: First order of business, no tee shirts in the tournament. You hear what I'm saying? (To the tournament director) What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? The guys get shirts. That's just the fucking way it is.
TOURNAMENT DIRECTOR: I'm sorry, I thought it was OK.
PAUL ANKA: You thought, you thought, you thought eight things tonight! You're all on fucking notice. The guys get shirts! Don't make a maniac out of me! The guys get shirts! We're not going to be as strong as our weakest link. The guys get shirts! That's just the way it fucking works.
(Wayne Newton is looking at a poker player giving him signals)
PAUL ANKA: What are you looking at?
WAYNE NEWTON: Well I was kind of waiting for you to play.
PAUL ANKA: Who are you watching? Let me ask you this. A pilot is landing his plane, he not only looks at the runway, he looks at the fucking instruments as he's landing. What are you watching?
WAYNE NEWTON: I'm usually watching you.
PAUL ANKA: Don't make a fucking maniac out of me! I don't get it. I don't get it, do you understand that? What do you want? Do you want fucking Vinnie Falcone up front? Do you want me to get a tournament director to ride your fucking ass? That's just the fucking way it is.
WAYNE NEWTON: OK--
PAUL ANKA: Don't make a fucking maniac out of me. When I fucking move, I slice like a fucking hammer. I'm the only important one at this table and you know it. Where's Joe?
WAYNE NEWTON: Well I can--
PAUL ANKA: Do you get full value on your chips? I want full value on my fucking tournament entry fee. Can any of you guys help him out? Can I get some fucking knowledge in here?
JARED FOGLE: I have an idea--
PAUL ANKA: I don't want an idea. I want to know what went wrong and how to fix it. That's just the fucking way it is! Do you realize how fucking crucial this is? I'm the only important one at that table and you are letting me down, do you understand that? Where's Joe? The only satisfaction I'm gonna get is reaming your fucking asses until you get it, because you don't get it because you've got no heart, no conscious, and no integrity. I have a new philosophy. If you don't do it my way, it's the highway. I don't care if you're Jesus Christ, I'm the only important one at that table. That just the kind of kick I'm. Is that good enough for you? That's just the kind of integrity kick I'm on. Do you understand where I'm coming from with integrity? Do you like your chips? Do you want your chips? If you don't like your job, you're gone. That's just the fucking way it is! Don't make a fucking maniac out of me!
...
Where's Joe?
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Superhouse
When I buy a house, I'm going to buy it in one of those places where everyone names their houses. Then I'm going to name it "Superhouse" and sew together a huge cape so it can flow majestically in the breeze.
Artist's rendering
Artist's rendering
Monday, January 17, 2005
Read with considerable outrage and tell me if this is as hilarious as I think it is
Gramma made them for me and he ate them all!
Relax
Sometimes, you just need to take a minute out of your day to relax. Let me help you. All right. First, I want you to close your eyes.
Wait. Now you can't read the rest of this. Open your eyes.
Oh fuck. Hello? Can you hear this? Open your eyes. OPEN YOUR EYES!
What are you an idiot? You just gonna sit in that chair with your eyes closed all day until further notice? Well it's gonna be a while before you get any further notice. I imagine the kind of person who sits in their chair all day with their eyes closed because a blog told them to doesn't get very many personal calls.
Hello? Hello? HELLO?
Wait. Now you can't read the rest of this. Open your eyes.
Oh fuck. Hello? Can you hear this? Open your eyes. OPEN YOUR EYES!
What are you an idiot? You just gonna sit in that chair with your eyes closed all day until further notice? Well it's gonna be a while before you get any further notice. I imagine the kind of person who sits in their chair all day with their eyes closed because a blog told them to doesn't get very many personal calls.
Hello? Hello? HELLO?
Sunday, January 16, 2005
The Best of Balderdash: Back From Hiatus
"Knick Knack"
A snowman inside a paperweight tries to escape.
Real
"Dirty Work"
A group of friends try to get rich by using rat feces to brew beer.
Dan
"The Bedsitting Room"
A horror film released in 1983 in which a man brings teenage girls back to his bedroom and sits on them until they are dead.
Steve
"White Pongo"
A lone white teddy bear struggles to find his place in the world.
The Fork
"Dirty Work"
A man invents a magic carpet with only one catch: he is shot in the head by a political extremist.
Me
A snowman inside a paperweight tries to escape.
Real
"Dirty Work"
A group of friends try to get rich by using rat feces to brew beer.
Dan
"The Bedsitting Room"
A horror film released in 1983 in which a man brings teenage girls back to his bedroom and sits on them until they are dead.
Steve
"White Pongo"
A lone white teddy bear struggles to find his place in the world.
The Fork
"Dirty Work"
A man invents a magic carpet with only one catch: he is shot in the head by a political extremist.
Me
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