The New Greatest Show In Television History

If you haven't watched Tilt, then you haven't truly lived.

When I saw the commercial for this show, I'll be honest. I sneered. "What a stupid show," I said to myself. Thank God Steve made me watch it, because I now feel as if I have been born anew. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the commercials ESPN has been playing nonstop, Tilt is a movie about a veteran poker player, played by Wayne Newton, who cheats and is being hunted down by a trio of young, hip, good-looking players (who, as anyone who has watched the World Series of Poker knows, do not exist in real life) as well as a rough tough detective of some sort played by Humpty Dumpty. Here are some highlights to the best of my recollection.

(Humpty Dumpty jumps a man walking to his car in a parking garage and absolutely beats the living crap out of him, and then puts a gun to his head)

HUMPTY DUMPTY: WHO CHANGED THE SCHEDULE FOR CLEARING THE TAPES?
MAN: Wha--
HUMPTY DUMPTY: WAS IT BOBO?!?

(A twelve year old girl is playing at the shadiest poker table in world history, featuring Wayne Newton, but it is a flashback, so Wayne Newton has a moustache to indicate his youth.)

12 YEAR OLD GIRL: I'll raise to $7,000 (throws $7,000 in bills on the table. What, you didn't have thousands and thousands of dollars at your disposal at age 12?)
OBSCENELY ITALIAN MAN: You've gotta call, Johnny. You can't get bluffed by a seven year old.
12 YEAR OLD GIRL: I'm 12.
OBSCENELY ITALIAN MAN: Ooo, 12.
JOHNNY GRACCIOLI: (also obscenely Italian) I'll call. I have a straight to the 9.
12 YEAR OLD GIRL: (revealing a better straight) You got the ass end.
(Johnny Graccioli grabs his money)
12 YEAR OLD GIRL: Hey, you owe me $7,000.
JOHNNY GRACCIOLI: Oh yeah? Well as they say on the playground, make me.
SOME GUY: Hey. If you don't pay, you'll never play here again. And by here, I mean this state.
JOHNNY GRACCIOLI: (looks around nervously, long pause) Hey, I was gonna pay. Come on! Johnny Graccioli always pays his debts.

SQUINTY GUY: I'll go all in.
GOBLIN IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT: I'll call.
SQUINTY GUY: Good call. I was hoping to run you over with that bet.
GOBLIN IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT: Well, you better have brought a monster truck.
(that's my new catch phrase by the way)

OBSCENELY COCKNEY GUY: (upset Squinty Guy picked up a straight on the river) You played it like you had the pair!
SQUINTY GUY: I played it like that because I have a pair.

OH SNAP!