A thought

I bet whoever was in the room the first time the phrase "Long time no see" was used thought the guy who used it was a mental defect.

Inside the mind of: Me, dealing with a bloody nose: March 12, 2005, 5:29:02 PM-5:33:17 PM

5:29:02 PM: Uh oh. My nose is bleeding again.
5:29:04 PM: I haven't had one of these in a while.
5:29:12 PM: This toilet paper is so soft.
5:29:15 PM: I wonder how they roll toilet paper up.
5:29:17 PM: Must be a machine, I suppose.
5:29:31 PM: The Walkmen are a really cool band.
5:29:33 PM: I wish I could write songs.
5:29:36 PM: My hair is too short.
5:29:39 PM: I wonder why our hair evolved to only be brown or red or blonde.
5:29:44 PM: I'd look pretty stupid with bright blue hair.
5:29:47 PM: But that's only because I'm not used to seeing lots of people with blue hair.
5:29:49 PM: Shut up.
5:30:46 PM: Wow, I went a long time without thinking anything.
5:30:48 PM: This might be a good idea for a post.
5:30:55 PM: Well it could be a good idea if I thought of something funny.
5:30:57 PM: Ducks are...fluffy!...because...
5:31:00 PM: Dammit.
5:31:12 PM: This thing is still going pretty strong.
5:31:17 PM: I need to lay off the cocaine.
5:31:27 PM: I wonder what Ashlee Simpson is doing right now.
5:31:30 PM: Something with credibility, no doubt.
5:31:41 PM: I wonder what frog tastes like exactly.
5:31:50 PM: The guys get shirts!
5:31:52 PM: The guys get shirts!
5:31:54 PM: The guys get shirts!
5:31:57 PM: That's just the fucking way it is!
5:32:00 PM: Ha ha. I love that.
5:32:11 PM: The guys get shirts!
5:32:14 PM: If I could punch one person, I think I would pick Ms. Mubarek.
5:32:17 PM: Yeah, I would definitely pick Ms. Mubarek.
5:32:20 PM: Georgie.
5:32:28 PM: Ol' Georgie Mubarek.
5:32:36 PM: Looked like George Washington, she did.
5:32:39 PM: Hi ho the dairy-oh...
5:32:41 PM: What song is that from?
5:32:57 PM: I can't think of it.
5:32:59 PM: Ew, is that a spider?
5:33:02 PM: Crap, that's a spider.
5:33:05 PM: I'll just pretend I don't see it.
5:33:07 PM: That thing is huge.
5:33:11 PM: I hope someone else takes care of it.
5:33:14 PM: Ew.
5:33:17 PM: Oh, good, my nose stopped bleeding.

Marmaduke isn't funny

As a comedian (don't laugh, that wasn't a joke), I get offended when I see people who are not funny calling themselves comedians (please stop laughing, I am aware you may see some irony in that, but I don't want to get into that). For example, Marmaduke.

Marmaduke always bothered me. Here was a "comic" that was just plain not funny. Even when I would read the Comics page at whatever young age kids read the Comics page, I always felt like Marmaduke insulted my intelligence.

Let's just look at the Marmaduke archives page. First, March 8th. Full disclosure: I laughed out loud when I read this comic. But in my defense, it is only because I never could have imagined the first Marmaduke cartoon I looked at would so perfectly prove my point. Marmaduke is running into the house with a suitcase. As he rushes by the baldo at the door, he is asked "Planning a lengthy stay?"

That's it, folks.

This is a one-panel cartoon (I actually didn't know that; I only remember reading the Sunday strips). That is all there is. There's no set up. The reader just needs to take for granted the fact that this dog has gone out and found a fucking suitcase somewhere and brought it home.

March 7th. We find Marmaduke behind a couch napping. A little girl peeks over the edge of the couch and, frustrated, reminds Marmaduke that they are playing Hide-and-Go-Seek, not Hide-and-Go-Sleep.

Har. Har. Har. That's all you can say, really.

Here's a Sunday strip. I honestly don't have a clue what's supposed to be funny about this. This cartoon is completely incoherent. Marmaduke is sleeping by an empty window underneath a full moon. He is dreaming about a paler version of himself looking at a full moon. The moon explodes which scares pale Marmaduke which wakes real Marmaduke. Marmaduke runs behind a couch (screaming "Wawahhr") and the wife deadpans "It must be that full moon dream again." Really I'd like to say more about this strip but it's so incoherent there's no commentary to be made. Is there a reason he's dreaming about a full moon while there's actually a full moon? Does he only have this dream when there's a full moon? Is this some kind of inside joke or sophisticated satire I don't get? I don't know. I just don't know.

However, I do know that it's not funny.

Top Four Things More Useless Than The Upcoming Movie "Miss Congeniality 2"

4. A sandbox in the Sahara
3. A spoon with a Frostie (Calusine only)
2. A sense of humor watching Saturday Night Live
1. "MISS CONGENIALITY 2" IS SO USELESS I CAN ONLY THINK OF THREE

A sentence I could once type at 115 gwam (gross words a minute)

She is to go to the city with us to sign the form.