Whose jokes are these?

Somebody help me out here:

So I was walking down the street and my friend turns to me and says "I'm thirsty. Let's go to that convenience store over there." And I said "No, that's too far." And he said "What are you talking about, it's right there." And I said "Buddy. You're wearing binoculars."

So I was in a bar and this guy was acting like a tough guy, so I said "Hey, buddy. You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk." And he said "I don't think so. I'm in a wheelchair."

The Ultimate Walker Texas Ranger Clip

Right click -> Save As

From "The Simpsons"

LISA: Now that I know all this, can't I do anything to change my future?
FORTUNE TELLER: No. But try to look surprised.

Scottywood2k (10:01:58 PM):

what is netbus?

Yum

This is the kind of idea successful people have.

Toby is the cutest little bunny on the planet...I rescued him several months ago. I found him under my porch, soaking wet, injured from what appeared to be an attack from an alley cat. I took him in, thinking he had no chance to live from his injuries, but miraculously, he recovered. I have since spent several months nursing him to health. Toby is a fighter, that.s for sure.

Unfortunately, on June 30th, 2005, Toby will die. I am going to eat him. I am going to take Toby to a butcher to have him slaughter this cute bunny. I will then prepare Toby for a midsummer feast. I have several recipes under consideration, which can be seen, with some pretty graphic images, under the recipe section.

I don’t want to eat Toby, he is my friend, and he has always been the most loving, adorable pet. However, God as my witness, I will devour this little guy unless I receive 50,000$ USD into my account from donations or purchase of merchandise. You can help this poor, helpless bunny’s cause by making donations through my verified PayPal account by clicking on any of the Donate buttons on this site, or by purchasing merchandise at the Savetoby.com online store.

There are four people with me in my room. I strongly dislike three.

I want to go to bed. It's gonna be a while.

DETAILS UPDATE: 90-100% of the conversations which will be held in this room over the course of the night will be about either alcohol or sex.

SOME CHOICE QUOTES FROM THE COURSE OF THE NIGHT UPDATE(S):
"I love me."

Uhh, this is a family site so don't expect too many more updates.

Best of Balderdash: BECAUSE I CAN AND NOTHING YOU CAN SAY IS GONNA STOP ME Edition

Carl Spitz
An American astronaut killed in London, England when a turnip was thrown at his Jaguar.
Rioux

“Lizzy”
A young girl terrorizes a small town after being made fun of for having one freakishly large arm.
The Fork

“The Case of the Lucky Legs”
A track star is accused of cheating after being charmed by a giant leprechaun.
Rioux

“The Case of the Lucky Legs”
An 8 year old detective solves crimes with the help of his pets: a pair of talking prosthetic legs.
The Fork

Feb. 15th, 1989
A snowball hits Gary Coleman square in the nose.
Rioux

Jamster legal troubles

Could I have been wrong? (See here, though I was dead wrong about slowing down ad buys)

SAN DIEGO - Jamster, the company that sells ringtones for mobile phones, has been sued by a man who says his daughter got stuck with unexpected charges after accepting an offer for a free jingle.