An angry response to all (and none) of your letters

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This column has been lots of fun for me and I've had a great time writing it all year. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the opportunity I was given and I want to thank all of you for reading. That's why I decided at the beginning of the year to dedicate this last column to answering some of the letters you sent me.

As it turns out, though, I have no readers - or at least no letters from readers to answer. When I came up with this idea, I figured I'd have a few and I could slap together a couple words of gratitude here and a few words of wisdom there and phone this one in so I could put this thing to rest and start studying for finals already. But I've never been one to let reality get in the way of a good idea. That's why they installed a guardrail on top of Johnnycake Mountain back in my hometown. Because of me. So anyway, here are some questions I came up with to ask myself that I might have received from readers had they been sent.



Dear Chris,

How long does it take you on average to complete a column?

-Scott Puritan



Dear Scott,

That reminds me of a dream I had the other night. In my dream, Dean Elmore was extremely fond of pajamas. In fact, his enjoyment of pajamas was so great, that he decided to change his name from Kenneth Elmore to Kenneth Pajamore in order to honor pajamas. He said to himself, "I love pajamas so much. How can I tell the world?" And then he came upon the answer. "I'll change my name. Kenneth Pajamas!" he cried triumphantly. But soon, he was dissatisfied. "No," he said. "Too obvious." And then, it came to him like a flash of lightning. "Kenneth Pajamore! It's subtle. It rolls off the tongue like poetry. Yes, Kenneth Pajamore it is."

What is the point of this little anecdote? There's no point, really. I'm just trying to sustain the reader interest that fell straight off the map as soon as you opened your dumb mouth and asked that awful question.



Dear Chris,

How do you come up with ideas for your columns? And why is your column called "The Whole Truth?"

-Boxley Fryer



Dear Boxley,

That's two questions. Don't get greedy. There's no need for that. No need.



Dear Chris,

What made you decide that you wanted to write an op-ed column for the Free Press?

-Maryann Kannberg



Dear Maryann,

I don't know. What made you decide that you had nothing better to do than waste my time with such a boring question? Do you enjoy wasting my time? Do you? Why don't you do us all a favor and take a vow of silence, preferably on an island thousands of miles from shore where you can't bother us with your chattering inanity.



Dear Chris,

What's your take on Lamar Advertising (LAMR on Nasdaq)?

-Gary Young



Dear Gary,

I'm not as bullish on Lamar as I was six weeks ago. I'm advising a hold. Don't go selling just yet, but don't go buying any more than you have now until you know where it's going in the future.



Dear Chris,

I think I saw you in one of my lectures. Are you in my class?

-Bob Nastanovich



Dear Bob,

First of all, congrats on having the most boring name in the English language. You must have been some kind of kid to inspire your parents to say "he looks like a Bob to me." And to never become a Rob or a Bobby or some other nickname in your life - you must be a blast to hang out with.

As to your question, it is entirely possible that I'm in your class as I do take classes here. I would tell you to ask me next time you think you see me, but if I saw a fellow like you lumbering up to me, I'd probably hide my face in my hands or make an escape out the nearest exit. Best of luck catching me, though.



Dear Chris,

Are all the stories you've told over the course of the semester true?

-Steve Malkmus



Next.



Dear Chris,

This is sad. Why are you bickering with yourself?

-Chris



Dear Chris,

I don't know. I guess I just get too carried away with things, like this idea. That is yet another reason why there's a guardrail around Johnnycake Mountain back in my hometown. As a matter of fact, it's also the reason why I have five boxes of business cards sitting unopened in my room reading "Chris Sartinsky: The Amazing Flying Boy! Available for Sporting Events, Concerts, Barbeques, Dinner Parties and All Your Social Gatherings (parachute provided)." Anyway, it's about time I head on down the dusty trail. But I feel like I should end the semester on a joke.

If I ever get run over, I hope it's by an ambulance.

There.

Clownin' Aroun'

(written with Christian Lynch after opening for an improv group)

MIKEY
Hey, guys! I’m Mikey—

MIKE
I’m Mike—

GC
And I’m G.C. And we’re—

ALL
Just Clownin’ Aroun’!

MIKEY
OK, hey guys, I’d just like to tell you that we perform every Tuesday and Wednesday at Jelly Bean’s Comedy Showcase downtown at 3:30 in the afternoon.

GC
That’s right, Mikey. OK, this first sketch is for Mikey and Mike.

MIKEY and MIKE give each other high fives and run in circles around GC.

GC
You guys! OK, OK, OK. Now for this first sketch, we need a location. Someone give us a location?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
Hospital!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
Theater!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3
Classroom!

GC
All right, I heard CVS. CVS?

MIKEY and MIKE nod, looking focused.

GC
Great. Aaaaannndd—scene!

MIKEY and MIKE shuffle around awkwardly for a second, bumping into each other and getting into position. Finally, Mikey acts as if he is standing behind a counter and Mike approaches holding an imaginary bottle.

MIKE
Ah, yes, Mr., uh, pharmacist. I would like to, uh, purchase these, uh pills.

MIKEY
(shouting, hamming it up)
OK, let’s just see what we—whoa! Butt pills!

MIKE
Yes, I, uh—

MIKEY
(struggling to stop laughing)
Boy, what kind of problem do you have that you need pills for your butt!

MIKE
(laughing)
Well, I just want to buy these pills—

MIKEY
(laughing hysterically)
OK, man, just keep your butt away from me!

GC
Aaaaand—freeze! OK, great job guys. Now, we need more suggestions from you, the audience. OK, so Mikey, here, he’s a pharmacist now, but he also used to have another job, what is it?

There is a silence.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4
You suck.

CLOWNIN’ AROUN’ looks at each other, frozen for a second.

GC
OK, I heard—soccer player. He’s a soccer player. And now Mike is doing something strange as well, what is it?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4
Sucking at improv.

MIKEY
OK, you know what? Wiseass. Now we’re not going to finish the sketch. How do you feel about yourself?

GC
Calm down Mikey, calm down.

MIKE
OK, we’re just going to move on. The next thing we’re going to do is a song. For this we need someone from the audience.

CUT TO

The first couple rows of the audience, all of whom scramble out of their seats when Mike approaches except for GIRL WITH CRUTCHES who only looks at everyone else running away, panicked.

MIKE
(approaching GIRL WITH CRUTCHES)
OK, how about you?

MIKE grabs her chair and slides her up to the other two.

MIKEY
OK, miss, what’s your name?

GIRL WITH CRUTCHES
Sarah.

GC
Uh huh. Now tell us—what’s your love life like?

GIRL WITH CRUTCHES
Well, my boyfriend just died.

CLOWNIN’ AROUN’ pause and look at each other, unsure of what to do.

MIKEY
You know what guys? I can do it.

MIKE
You sure?

MIKEY
Yeah, just give me back up.

GC provides MIKEY with an a cappella backing. MIKE echoes the last few words of every line.

MIKEY
(singing)
He was so young.
Cut down in the prime of life.
There was no need!
No need!
What a world! How was he killed?

GIRL WITH CRUTCHES
(starting to sob)
He was stabbed by a mugger.

MIKEY
Cut down in the night!
By a shadowy assassin!
They were thinking of marriage—
Were you thinking of marriage?

GIRL WITH CRUTCHES
(now bawling uncontrollably)
Yes! Oh God yes!

MIKEY
The horrible irony!

MIKE
That’s hilaaaaaaarious!

ALL THREE
The horrible irony!

CLOWNIN’ AROUN’ finishes dramatically and looks at Sarah, noticing seemingly for the first time that she is crying as hard as a person can cry. They suddenly become nervous.

MIKE
(quietly)
OK, thanks.

MIKEY slides her chair back into the audience.

GC
Thank you. Yes.

MIKEY
(obviously shaken)
Once again, Jelly Bean’s, Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons. Wow. OK, we’ve got time for one more, for this one we need a location.

There is silence. Finally, someone speaks up.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5
Saloon.

MIKEY
A what?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5
A saloon.

GC
No, I don’t think that one will—

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5
No, do a saloon.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 6
Yeah.

CLOWNIN’ AROUN’ looks at each other. They mouth “what’s that?” and “I don’t know” to one another. It is obvious that none of them knows what a saloon is.

GC
Saloon, huh? OK. We’ll do a saloon then.

CLOWNIN’ AROUN’ try to follow each others’ lead. GC mimes typing at a typewriter, MIKE mimes juggling. They see each other and switch at the same time. MIKEY pretends to be driving past them and the other two follow him, also steering. When they speak, their voices are all shaking.

MIKEY
Here I come, in my—saloon.

GC
Hey! Sa—saloon coming through!

MIKE
I’ve—I’ve got a saloon too, guys!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 7
You guys don’t know what a saloon is, huh.

CLOWNIN’ AROUN’ looks at each other. GC mimes pressing on a horn.

GC
Beep beep?

There is a short pause.

MIKEY
OK, well that’s all the time we have, remember, Jelly Bean’s, we’re Clownin’ Aroun’.

The last five words of my final column as it may or may not appear in Friday's DFP

Scott can't lift a chair

AFTER SOME TIME TO THINK UPDATE: I chickened out. It made no sense.

Scottywood on books

Ha!

How to bear the winter: advice from a New Englander

As winter bears down on Boston, the entire city bundles up and prepares for another season of snow, ice and cold. For lifelong New Englanders like me, the winter routine has become second nature. But there are plenty of students here at BU from the South and Southwest that have never really experienced the season as I have year after year. That first Boston winter can come as a real shock, so I figured I would help out by giving you some tips that I've picked over the years.

First of all, you should never ever approach snow under any circumstances. It is filled with thousands and thousands of tiny poisonous scorpions invisible to the naked eye. And they can jump. If you come within six inches of the stuff, the scorpions will jump at you and feast on your flesh. You might see people coming close to and even touching the snow and think it safe, but don't be fooled. If these people are not only holograms projected by the scorpions' ultra-sophisticated tiny optical illusion machines, they are themselves giant scorpions in disguise. Keep a safe distance at all times. If you do see a giant scorpion, do not bother alerting the authorities. Most of them are also giant scorpions in disguise. A good rule of thumb is to just assume that everyone else is a giant scorpion, converse with no one and get from one place to another as quickly as possible.

If you must venture outside and the snow is unavoidable, there are some things you can do to keep safe. There is scorpion repellent. However, it is extremely rare and expensive. Do not let anyone know you are looking for it and when you get some, never let on that you have it. Otherwise, you will have to fend off hordes of people desperate to find relief from the incessant biting and scratching of their own poisonous scorpions. You will have to figure out how to find this scorpion repellent on your own. There is no way you're getting me to spill my secret.

In your middle- and high-school earth sciences classes, you may have learned that bears retreat into their caves to spend the entire winter hibernating. This is true out in nature, but what about all those city bears? That is where you come in. Boston bears spend the winter skipping from apartment to apartment and from dorm to dorm. You'll be lucky to not have a bear knocking on your door in the middle of the night looking for a place to sleep. If the bear gets on your nerves (they've been known to snore and can be quite messy), don't worry. The bear will usually only crash for a few days before he heads out to find a new shelter somewhere else.

One of the most depressing things about winter is the way the sun sets earlier and earlier. You'll have to get used to the sky turning dark before five o'clock. Of course this means only one thing: afternoon vampires. Normally, the threat of vampires is only present late at night when the streets have more or less cleared anyway. But in the winter, your walks home from afternoon classes will be full of vampires lunging at you and bats soaring around everywhere above your head. Make sure you don't forget your giant wooden cross and always carry a revolver loaded with a silver bullet. They should be right next to your gloves as essential wintertime apparel.

Speaking of apparel, for the image-conscious, the right winter attire is essential to making the season as fun as it can be. You don't want to be caught wearing snow pants like the kind every New Englander stopped wearing after third grade. People from the Northeast like to demonstrate how little the cold bothers us. To blend in, wear either a tank top or one of those T-shirts with the tuxedo drawn onto the front. If you're caught wearing anything else in December, January or February, you will instantly be recognized as the outsider that you are.

We also wear roller skates rather than shoes or boots. I'm not sure why exactly. It's just one of those regional traditions. Make sure to get little chains for the wheels on your roller skates for traction on the slippery sidewalks. For those extra-cold days, wear a multicolored wig and a small red ball on your nose. If you can find one that makes noise when you press it, that's even better.

For someone from the sunny climates of places like Florida and Southern California, the first winter in Boston will probably can be a traumatic experience. If you're not prepared, the coming months will be awful, but with a little forethought, winter can be a great time. So lace up your skates and have a blast!