And he's done it. He's free.

A writer’s meeting.

WRITER 1
…So then Christian hugs the lemon, and the lemon looks at the camera with a newfound determination. And that night, he goes home, and he sets fire to his photo albums (choked up) and he quits his job, and he’s done it. He’s free.

WRITERS
No, I don’t like it, that’s awful, etc.

WRITER 1
Oh, you guys are idiots.

JEFF enters.

JEFF
Hey, guys.

WRITER 2
Hi, Jeff. What’s up.

JEFF
Well I just got back from a meeting with the network. And they have a few notes.

WRITERS groan.

JEFF
Hey! Come on, now! It’s nothing bad, they just have a few things they want to see in next week’s show. First, they want to lose the wrestling segments.

There is general outrage among the writers.

WRITER 3
(jumping on the table, waving a chair around, wearing a championship belt)
They’ll have to get through me first!

WRITERS
Yeah! Etc

JEFF
Come on, guys. The wrestling was played out anyway.

Reluctant agreement. WRITER 3 looks embarrassed and sits down quietly on the table.

JEFF
OK, and just one more thing for this week. The network wants more cells.

WRITER 4
What do you mean, more cells.

JEFF
They want more cells. More cell-related programming, maybe a cell sketch or two.

WRITER 5
Cells, what, like prison cells?

JEFF
No, like cells in your body. Biology. They’ve been doing some market research for our target audience and cells are testing through the roof.

WRITER 6
What does that mean?

JEFF
The audience wants more cells. Guys, what you don’t understand is that this is an untapped market! No one is doing cell-related TV! The general public is positively thirsting for cells. If we are the first on the scene giving people cells, there will be no telling how successful we’ll be.

WRITER 7
I don’t know why you think people want to see cells on TV.

WRITER 8
Yeah. How would we even get cells into the show?

JEFF
We just subtly insert cells into our already-existing formats. The different cells employed by different BU colleges. Those CGS cells are pretty dumb, am I right?

WRITER 9
That’s not funny.

JEFF
It doesn’t have to be funny! It just has to have cells!

JEFF 2 enters, bursting out of ropes with a gag hanging around his neck.

JEFF 2
Get back here!

JEFF punches the writer next to him in the face for no reason and runs out the back exit, cackling.

WRITER 10
What was that?

JEFF 2
(panting)
The Cell Commission. They’ve been lobbying the network for more cell-related programming to promote their cells, but the network wouldn’t budge. So they kidnapped me and pulled this stunt.

WRITER 11
That’s insane.

JEFF 2
Tell me about it.

WRITER 12
So are there any real notes from the network?

JEFF 2
Yeah, actually. (taking out a notepad) They want more lemons.

WRITER 1
Yes!

Other writers groan. The camera zooms in on JEFF 2’s eye, narrowing malevolently. Ominous music plays.

CUT TO

THE REAL JEFF, tied up to a chair in a windowless room, alone. He is gagged. There are lemon peels, discarded bottles of lemonade, etc. scattered around the room.

THE REAL JEFF
(muffled)
No! No more lemons! NO MORE LEMONS!