Peace

CHRISTIAN
Well you may have seen this in the Daily Free Press recently. This is from the issue that ran September 6. Right down here, you can see the headline. “COM grad aids Middle East peace.” Now, naturally, we were shocked to see this headline. First of all, we didn’t know there was peace in the Middle East. And that a BU grad student helped bring it about was an even greater shock. So we decided to send a correspondent to check out the situation, so reporting from fifteen miles outside the Green Zone in Baghdad, here’s our own Rob Turbovsky. How you doing out there, Rob?

TURBO
Well, as you can imagine, the Iraqi people are just ecstatic. that the violence has ended and that Boston University was able to bring peace to this uncontrolled, dangerous region of the world. They can barely control their excitement.

CHRISTIAN
Now it looks pretty quiet over there, where is everybody?

TURBO
Well, none of the women and children seem to be leaving their homes. Presumably they’re catching up on their sleep now that Iraq is once again a quiet and peaceful place. There are men who walk around every now and then. All of them seem to be carrying rifles. Now the reason for that is just in case they are suddenly so seized with joy at the new wonderful world they’re living in, they can fire them into the air in spontaneous celebration, as is their custom in these parts.

CHRISTIAN
Uh huh. Now tell me, what kind of presence does BU have over there in Iraq?

TURBO
Well, from what I understand, there are plans in the works to start up a Baghdad campus over here for students looking to study abroad. A spokesman told me that BU hopes to make Baghdad the site of the premiere [reading] “Oh shit, run!” program in the entire world. And apparently, students will also be afforded the opportunity to take courses in [reading] “It’s gonna blow!,” “Play dead so they don’t shoot us again” and even “Where are you hooking those electrodes?” I may come here next year to fulfill the requirements for my profiteering minor.

CHRISTIAN
Now wait a minute. I’ve known you a long time and you kind of have a reputation for being a sharp-edged sarcastic political satirist. You wouldn’t be joking with me now, would you?

TURBO
Absolutely not. I feel right at home here. Which reminds me, I’d just like to thank the producers once again for this wonderful opportunity. Bright idea, guys! Gee, who should we send to war-torn Iraq? I’ve got it! The Jew! Yeah, he’ll love it over there! I mean, it’s practically Israel! What’s the problem, guys, was the Kurd on vacation?

An IRAQI man enters, hands TURBO a cartoonish bomb—a black sphere with a wick coming out of the top—and keeps walking without pausing.

IRAQI
Hold this.

TURBO
Oh, look, Christian. They’re giving me gifts. I knew we Terriers would be greeted as liberators.

CHRISTIAN
Uh, maybe you should put that down.

TURBO
Nah. After all, the Daily Free Press told me that BU students had been over here aiding peace in the region. I’m sure I’ll be fine. And if not, well I don’t think I want to live in a world where DFP headlines are exaggerated, misleading and ultimately meaningless.

CHRISTIAN
All right, thanks, Turbo. Good luck over there, we’ll be right back.