You Can't Do This, Act II

[Act I]

A police car, which does not need to be any more complicated than four chairs, sits in the middle of the stage. DAVID and JOANNA sit in the back seat with their hands cuffed behind their back. DAVID looks furious, JOANNA looks horribly embarrassed. JIM and WILSON stand outside the car. JIM is pacing nervously while WILSON leans against the car with his arms crossed, looking angry at JIM. There are a few seconds of silent pacing.

WILSON: So what are we going to do?
JIM: [as if it’s obvious, even though he knows it isn’t] What do you mean?
WILSON: Well are we going to bring them to the station? Are we going to book them? Are we going to bring them in for interrogation? Imprison them? Write them a ticket, fine them? What’s it gonna be.
JIM: We’re going to do our jobs, that’s what we’re going to do.
WILSON: Oh, that’s what we’re doing, is it?
JIM: Yes, it is. I thought you cared—
WILSON: Don’t give me that crap, Jim! You don’t believe in this any more than I do!
JIM: [as if conceding this point does not destroy his argument] Yes—
WILSON: Well that’s it! We messed up, Jim. God, I can’t believe you got me to go along with you. This is ridiculous, let’s just release them.
JIM: We can’t release them.
WILSON: Why can’t we release them? What do you have to lose by letting these people go?
JIM: They could report us!
WILSON: They’re going to report us anyway! If we don’t report them. If we bring them into the station, what do you think is going to happen? They’ll laugh at us at best, take our badges at worst. Do you think we’re going to get away with it?
JIM: Maybe we could just drop them off at the front door.
WILSON: Drop them off at the front door? Jim, they’ll identify us immediately! We’re not going to get away with this. Let’s just release them and face the consequences.
JIM: That’s easy for you to say. I’m the one who’s going to be facing all the consequences.
WILSON: I’ll take the blame if you want me to. I’ll say I was responsible for everything. But this is insane, we can’t let this go on for any longer than it has to. It has to stop now.

JIM considers this.

JIM: Let’s just drive around for a little while and try to think of something.
WILSON: Oh my God.
JIM: Come on.

JIM gets into the driver’s seat of the car. Exhausted, WILSON gets into the passenger’s seat.

DAVID: Look who’s here.
JOANNA: [pitifully] Let us go, please.
JIM: You’re not going anywhere. We’re going for a ride.
DAVID: So I guess we are going somewhere then.
JIM: Shut up.

JIM starts driving. No one says anything.

DAVID: Can I say something?
JIM: No. We’re busy talking.
DAVID: No one was talking.
JIM: That’s because you interrupted. Before you were talking, Wilson and I were talking about important police business concerning the two of you.
DAVID: No you weren’t.
JOANNA: [weary] You really weren’t.
JIM: All right, I’ve heard just about enough from the two of you!

They go on driving some more in silence.

JIM: Pull over.
WILSON: You’re driving.
DAVID: He’s right. You’re driving.
JIM: Wilson, pull over.
WILSON: Jim, what the hell are you talking about?
JIM: Just pull the damn car over!

JIM pulls the car over.

JIM: Thank you! Was that so hard?
WILSON: What?
JIM: No. It wasn’t. Let’s talk. Outside.
WILSON: Jim, we’re wasting time.
JIM: Outside, Wilson.

JIM gets out of the car. WILSON rolls his eyes, but follows him.

WILSON: What are we doing?
JIM: Mind games.
WILSON: Mind games?
JIM: Yeah, Wilson. You know, you really oughta follow my leads.
WILSON: Leads? What leads?
JIM: Like the pull over the car bit. Disorient them.
WILSON: Why do we need to disorient them?
JIM: Could it hurt to do a little disorientating?
WILSON: Well yes, I think it could.
JIM: Look, just follow my leads. But there’s another thing.
WILSON: What’s that.
JIM: Well I need to look up this law in our code. Get that book of yours.
WILSON: The penal code?
JIM: No, “101 Crazy Laws.”
WILSON: Why do you need that book?
JIM: To look up the law. Where is it?
WILSON: I think it’s in the glove compartment.
JIM: Well go get it. Only, wait!
WILSON: What?
JIM: Do something to disorient them.
WILSON: Jim, I really don’t want—
JIM: Wilson, if we’re going to get out of this alive, we have to start getting creative.
WILSON: What do you mean “alive?”
JIM: Don’t you want to get out of this alive?
WILSON: Yes, but what do you mean “if?”
JIM: This is not the time to argue about things that don’t really matter, Wilson. Just get the book already.
WILSON: Well what should I do?
JIM: How about this. Instead of saying “I need to get something out of the glove compartment,” say “I need to get something out of the trunk.” And then take the book out of the glove compartment, but don’t show it to them, because they might catch on.
WILSON: How about I say nothing at all?
JIM: No. Not disorienting enough. Just do what I want you to do.

WILSON groans, then walks over to the passenger side door. He reaches into the glove compartment, then looks at DAVID, who is glaring at him, and JOANNA, who looks hurt.

WILSON: [deliberately] I am getting something out of the trunk.
JOANNA: That’s the glove compartment.

WILSON pauses. Everyone looks at one another. JIM looks back to see how everything is going.

WILSON: [apologetically] I know it is—

He looks as if he is about to say something, but just grabs the book and shuts the glove compartment and the door and walks back over to JIM, who has pulled his gun and is pointing it at WILSON. WILSON drops the book, shocked, and puts his hands up.

WILSON: Jesus Christ, Jim, what in God’s name are you doing?
JIM: [whispering] Calm down, Wilson, I’m not going to shoot you. Just play along. Start dancing.
WILSON: Are you crazy?
JIM: Just start dancing already, please?
WILSON: No, I’m not going to dance!

JIM waves the gun as a threat. WILSON is terrified and starts waving his arms above his head and teetering from foot to foot awkwardly. JIM claps and laughs like a delighted child. He puts the gun away and hugs WILSON, who recoils.

JIM: Hug me, Wilson.
WILSON: Jim, I—
JIM: Hug me!

They hug. DAVID notices for the first time.

DAVID: They’re hugging.
JOANNA: I don’t care.
JIM: Do you think they saw? I don’t think they were looking.
WILSON: [still terrified] You mean they weren’t even looking?
JIM: Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter. Give me the book.

WILSON, still shaking, hands JIM the book. JIM starts flipping through it.

JIM: Here it is. “In Hartford, it is illegal to kiss your wife on a Sunday.”
WILSON: Yeah?
JIM: Is that all it says?
WILSON: We already knew that.

JIM takes a small, well-worn book out of his pocket.

JIM: I guess that’s all it says. I was hoping there would be a number or something so we could cross-reference it with this.
WILSON: That’s not a real law book—
JIM: They could have at least included something to help us out. What section, you know?
WILSON: It’s not a reference book. It’s a gag gift that’s sold in a card shop.
JIM: Hey! Look at the back cover! “All of these wacky and unbelievable laws are one hundred percent real! Guaranteed!” Guaranteed, Wilson! You can’t just put a guarantee on a book like that if it isn’t true! Something like that could put [he consults the spine] Red Rooster Publishing House out of business.
WILSON: Jim, there’s nothing here! We need to let these people go! You can’t do this!
JIM: [honestly frightened] Well I’ve already done it, so I don’t see how we can undo it now. This isn’t just something you can erase, what we’ve done, Wilson. There are consequences that we have to deal with now. And it is my job to minimize those consequences. Now point your gun at them.

JIM starts to pull his gun, but WILSON blocks his arm and sends his gun skipping across the ground.

WILSON: Are you crazy? You can’t do this!
JIM: I’m not gonna shoot them, Wilson. Christ, when did you get so squeamish?
WILSON: You can’t point your gun at people in handcuffs for no reason! That would be insane!
JIM: You sure are saying that a lot, Wilson.
WILSON: Ya think?
JIM: Fine. Let’s just go.

JIM retrieves his gun and gets in the driver’s seat of the car. WILSON sits in the passenger’s seat.

JIM: [loud] Gee, Wilson, I thought I was driving!

WILSON leans against the window, pouting angrily like a child. He says nothing.

JIM: [in a British accent] I say, Wilson! I thought that I was driving?
JOANNA: Can we leave now?
JIM: No. We’re leaving.

He pulls the car back onto the road and they drive on in silence.

JOANNA: [resigned to the situation, trying to make the best of it] David. Twenty questions.
DAVID: Honey, I’m not in the mood.
JOANNA: Twenty questions.
DAVID: [lightening up] All right. Man or woman?
JOANNA: Yes or no questions only.
DAVID: All right. Is it a man?
JOANNA: Yes.
DAVID: Is he famous?
JOANNA: Yes.
DAVID: Is he an actor?
JOANNA: No.
DAVID: OK, is—
JOANNA: No wait. It’s not your turn anymore. It’s your turn?
JIM: Me?
JOANNA: Yeah. Famous male, not an actor.
JIM: Oh, uh, OK. I do—[suddenly in an Italian accent] I do have a question for you.

JIM looks at WILSON out of the corner of his eye, as if to say “you’re going to love this.” Then, he babbles incoherently, sometimes shouting, sometimes gurgling like an infant, for close to thirty seconds. After this, there is silence.

JOANNA: It was Bill Gates.

There is another silence. WILSON pulls out the book and starts flipping through it.

JIM: Put that away.

He does. Another silence. JIM sighs. He is tired. He pulls over.

JIM: [going through the motions] Wilson, pull over please. Thank you.
WILSON: [about to get out of the car] Don’t mention it.
JIM: Don’t go anywhere. [there is a pause. JIM considers something weighty. He turns around and faces DAVID and JOANNA.] It probably won’t be anything serious. The penalty.
DAVID: Yes, what is the penalty? Are we to be thrown in the stocks? Will we be thrown in the water to see if we float?
JIM: [finished] Nah. I mean, I don’t know. But we have to—do something.
DAVID: There’s nothing to be done. You can’t do this. It’s ridiculous. I think you made the whole law up, and now what do you have on us? So let’s just be reasonable. We’ll just go quietly if you let us go. Won’t we?
JOANNA: Yes. I just want to go home.
JIM: I can’t believe you. We’re enemies.
DAVID: If you say so.
JIM: Well you think we are, don’t you? I mean, we’re so different. And then, everything we’ve done to you.
DAVID: I don’t really think that. It seems like kind of a silly thing to think.
JIM: Oh. [short pause, then sadly] You’re just saying that.
DAVID: There’s nothing I could say to convince you otherwise.

JIM thinks of this, then nods. He thinks of something.

JIM: We didn’t make it up though. Honestly. [laughing a bit] It’s funny, really. Look at this book we found.

JIM grabs the book out of WILSON’s lap and gives it to DAVID. It falls on his lap because DAVID’s arms are behind his back. JIM apologizes and finds the relevant page, holding it up for DAVID and JOANNA.

JIM: See? See what it says here?
DAVID: “In Hartford, it is illegal to kiss your wife on a Sunday.”

There is a short pause.

JOANNA: What?
DAVID: This is a joke, right? Like a hidden camera show or something? You’ve had us for hours, this is absurd—
JIM: No, it’s not a joke, see? “Every law—”
DAVID: [screaming] I don’t care what the back of the book says you fucking nitwit!
JIM: Well hey, don’t yell—
DAVID: You let us out of here right goddamn now! You are not going to arrest us because of a joke law in a fucking joke book!
WILSON: Please, sir.
DAVID: No I will not calm down!
JOANNA: David—
DAVID: [suddenly calmer] Wait, wait a second. It says “kiss your wife.” It doesn’t say “kiss your husband,” or “be kissed.” Let Joanna go.
JIM: Who’s Joanna?
DAVID: My wife.
JIM: Oh. No, we can’t do that.
DAVID: Why not?
WILSON: It sounds reasonable, Jim.

JIM waves his arms vaguely. He is very tired.

JIM: Don’t you guys see what’s going on? This is more than—this is more. There are—consequences.
DAVID: This is stupid.

JIM clenches his jaw and seems to find a new inspiration.

JIM: Everybody out of the car.
DAVID: Not until you promise—

JIM pulls out his gun and whirls around wildly. DAVID and JOANNA don’t even flinch.

JIM: [shouting] Don’t you understand? I don’t have to make promises! I’m in charge! I’m the one making the decisions! Now get! Out! Of the car!

WILSON jumps out of the car and JIM gets out just as quickly. They yank open the back doors and DAVID and JOANNA get out wearily.

JIM: Wilson, pull your gun and point it at them.
WILSON: Jim, I don’t—

JIM fires his gun at WILSON’s feet. Everybody jumps, even JIM.

JIM: Pull your gun! Do your job!

WILSON is terrified. He pulls his gun and points it at DAVID. JIM points his at JOANNA.

JIM: Now walk. The both of you, walk.

DAVID and JOANNA walk a few steps, slowly.

JIM: On your knees.

DAVID gets on his knees.

DAVID: Honey?
JIM: Get on your knees, Miss.
JOANNA: I don’t see—
JIM: Get on your knees!

He kicks her hard in the back of the knee. She yells and falls. DAVID stands up and charges at JIM. WILSON drops his gun as if it is only an obstacle to keeping the peace and tries to restrain him.

DAVID: What the fuck do you think you’re doing? There is no need for that!

JIM puts his gun up to DAVID’s temple.

JIM: [quietly] Do you think I won’t shoot your brains out of the side of your head?

There is a long silence. DAVID doesn’t move.

JOANNA: [her voice is shaking, but she is strong] David?

DAVID looks at her, then back at JIM. He returns to his spot and gets on his knees. WILSON picks up his gun and points it at DAVID again. They stand there for a few seconds.

JOANNA: Now what.

Another long pause.

JIM: Take off his handcuffs.

WILSON does what he is told. JIM takes off JOANNA’s.

JIM: Put your hands on the back of your heads.

DAVID and JOANNA do this. JIM and WILSON point their guns at DAVID and JOANNA and they are still again.

DAVID: Now what.

Long pause.

JIM: I don’t know.

Long pause.

WILSON: Jim—
JIM: [frantically] I don’t know! I don’t know, all right? I don’t know!

Long pause. JIM gets an idea.

JIM: Take off your clothes.
DAVID: Hey! That’s my wife!
JIM: [as if he will make it OK] No, no. You too.
DAVID: I’m not—
JIM: [giddy] Just do it! Take off your clothes!
JOANNA: David. Let’s just do it.

The following should be done as quickly as possible. JOANNA starts taking off her shirt, so DAVID follows, looking suspiciously back and forth between JIM and WILSON. They take off their shoes, then their pants, then go back to kneeling on the ground with their hands behind their backs. Before they finish, JIM starts taking off his uniform.

WILSON: [embarrassed] Jim, what are you—
JIM: [increasingly excited] You too, Wilson! You too!

WILSON shrugs and starts taking off his uniform. All four are now in their underwear. JIM grabs his uniform and hands it to JOANNA, then gives WILSON’s to DAVID.

DAVID: What is this.

JIM throws DAVID’s clothes to WILSON, then starts putting on JOANNA’s.

WILSON: Jim—
JIM: [ecstatic] Do it, Wilson! Trust me, just do it!

WILSON puts on DAVID’s clothes. JIM picks his gun off the ground and points it at JOANNA, so WILSON picks his up and points it at DAVID.

JIM: Put on the uniform.
DAVID: What?
JIM: Put it on, put it on!

DAVID and JOANNA, suspicious but not fearful, do as they are told. Everyone has now switched clothes. JIM leads JOANNA back to where he was standing and directs WILSON and DAVID to switch, so they do. JIM gets on his knees and puts his hands behind his head, still holding the gun.

DAVID: [horrified] Oh no.
JIM: Yes, yes. Here.

He lays the gun at JOANNA’s feet and puts his hands behind his head. WILSON lays his gun at DAVID’s feet and gets on his knees, hands behind his head like JIM.

JIM: Pick up the guns.

They do. DAVID and JOANNA are worried, but they still seem to be unaware of the full repercussions. JIM smiles and pauses to savor the moment.

JIM: Now what?
DAVID: Oh no.
JIM: Yes!
JOANNA: You can’t do this.
JIM: Yes.
JOANNA: You can’t do this.
JIM: [remorsefully, but grinning] I’m so sorry.

END