I'm here to talk about canoes

CHRISTIAN
Our first guest is running for Student Union President, and he’s here to talk about his campaign. So please welcome, Adam Hill.

ADAM
Thanks for having me, Christian.

CHRISTIAN
OK, so you’re running against Brooke Feldman, who is the incumbent. Now tell me, what do you think that you can do better than her?

ADAM
I don’t know—talk to the students, work with the administration, you know, all that dumb shit.

CHRISTIAN
Uh, OK—

ADAM
Fact is, I’m not here to talk about that right now. I’m here to talk about canoes.

CHRISTIAN
What?

ADAM
(ignoring CHRISTIAN, speaking directly to the camera)
Canoes have been getting a bit of a bad reputation, lately—

CHRISTIAN
They have?

ADAM
but I’m here to tell you that canoes are just as good as they ever were at getting you across lakes or through treacherous rapids.

CHRISTIAN
I don’t think canoes have been getting a bad reputation at all. I don’t really think anyone is saying anything about canoes.

ADAM
And that’s wrong, Christian. That’s just plain wrong. We should be talking about canoes. More importantly, we should be using canoes, and buying canoes. We’ve taken canoes for granted for far too long. It’s time to reclaim our roots.

CHRISTIAN
Wait a minute. Why are you so interested in canoes?

ADAM
What? What do you mean? Don’t be ridiculous.

CHRISTIAN
No no no. I think I know what’s going on here.

CHRISTIAN reaches for ADAM.

ADAM
No! Christian, don’t!

CHRISTIAN motions as if he is pulling off ADAM’S disguise. HE suddenly finds himself holding ADAM’S clothes.

CHRISTIAN
Ah ha! I knew it! You’re not a Student Union Presidential candidate at all. Why, you’re nothing more than a canoe!

CUT TO

The couch. ADAM has been replaced by a canoe.

ADAM
Yeah! That’s right! What of it, you son of a bitch!

CHRISTIAN
The viewers deserve to know when they are hearing a genuine discussion of a trusted brand and when they are seeing a paid advertiser. Or, as the case may be, a canoe.

ADAM
You think you’re so smart, because you figured me out? Big deal. We’ve had dozens of canoes on your show.

CHRISTIAN
What are you talking about?

ADAM
You think that was really Hanson you interviewed?

CHRISTIAN
Of course it was. Don’t be silly.

ADAM
Pah! Nothing but three canoes with wigs.

CUT TO

A picture of CHRISTIAN interviewing Hanson, who have been replaced by three canoes, barely disguised with curly blonde wigs.

CHRISTIAN
Oh my God. That’s why I started wearing glasses.

ADAM
They look good.

CHRISTIAN
Oh, thank you.

ADAM
Yeah, what’s your prescription? Can I try those on?

CHRISTIAN
Wait, no. Get the hell out of here, Canoe. Canoe, everyone. We’ll be right back.

CUT TO

Commercial.

ANNOUNCER
Hey, you. Need a canoe? Of course you do. Buy a canoe, get a high-quality blonde wig at no extra cost. Canoe.