The Unimaginative Wizard of Oz

WIZARD: All right. First up, what's your problem?
SCARECROW: Well, Mr. Wizard. I need a brain.
WIZARD: A brain? The hell do you need a brain for? You're a scarecrow, aren't you?
SCARECROW: Well, yes, but--
WIZARD: So what part of hanging from a post and scaring birds and small children away from corn requires a brain?
SCARECROW: It would be nice is all.
WIZARD: If anything, consciousness would be a burden to you. The monotony of being stapled to a log 24 hours a day would drive me insane. Besides, you're here speaking, which is a little terrifying to me. You have too much brain as it is, for a scarecrow.
DOROTHY: Well, couldn't you encourage him?
WIZARD: How would I do that?
DOROTHY: I don't know. Build him up. Tell him that brains aren't really that valuable, because people misuse them.
WIZARD: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Humans can't function without brains. Do you know anything about brains?
SCARECROW: Sir, if you could--
WIZARD: Forget it. Get the hell out of here, Scarecrow, I never want to see you again. Who's next?
TIN MAN: Well, I was hoping that you could give me a heart.
WIZARD: Why would you want a heart? Do you have a circulatory system?
TIN MAN: I don't think so. I'm made of tin.
WIZARD: The heart is nothing more than a pump in your chest. It just moves blood from one place to another. The romanticized ideas of the heart being the seat of love and passion are ludicrous and outdated. Do you really need a hunk of flesh rotting away inside your empty tin body?
TIN MAN: I guess not. But still, it would be nice--
WIZARD: Like I have a heart lying around here anyway. Out. Who's next?
COWARDLY LION: Ex-ex-ex-cuse me, M-m-m-mr. W-w-w-i--
WIZARD: Aah! Jesus! Lion!

[WIZARD takes out musket and shoots COWARDLY LION in the chest. COWARDLY LION falls, dead.]

WIZARD: Holy shit! That was close.
DOROTHY: You killed the lion! How could you?
WIZARD: How could I? It's a fucking lion, are you kidding me?
DOROTHY: He was my friend!
WIZARD: He was also a wild, carnivorous animal, and I shot him.

[DOROTHY begins crying.]

WIZARD: Wow, that tore his chest wide open. Hey, get that Tin Man back in here. Tell him if he still wants a heart--
DOROTHY: How could you?
WIZARD: Oh, quit crying, you drama queen. Why did you come here?
DOROTHY: I wanted to get home. To Kansas.
WIZARD: Kansas? Why would you want to go back to that barren dust bowl wasteland?
DOROTHY: I miss my family.
WIZARD: Kansas is a dead end. There's nothing for you there. You're better off finding an apartment in St. Louis and working in a restaurant or something. Otherwise you'll just end up dying on the same farm with all the rest of your inbred clan and regret you never took advantage of your chance to get the hell out while you were young.
DOROTHY: But I love my family.
WIZARD: Fine, then. Go home. See what I care. It's not like I know how to get to Kansas from here anyway.
DOROTHY: Oh.
WIZARD: Now help me throw this lion's carcass over the balcony. It's starting to reek.