I taunt my opponents as if I were in a fantasy baseball league this year (I'm not), because I reserve the right to gloat until someone beats me

Ho hum ho hum, another All Star Break, another insurmountable double-digit lead. Have you guys even been trying again? Every once in a while I'll think to myself, they're not really trying. This is some setup, some elaborate Truman Show-esque ruse, because as good as I am, there's no way I'm this much better than any group of people at fantasy baseball, I mean there's just no way. But then one of you will go and do something like trade me JD Drew the day Ortiz goes down or snap up Johnny "Flavor of the Month" Cueto while neglecting to pick Edison "Cy" Volquez that renews my faith in your utter ineptitude.

Let's start from just below the top. Another admirable effort, Lynch, but this year just ain't your year. Do us all a favor and step away from the waiver wire. Your early season frustrations with Drew were understandable. Too bad for all of us you didn't ride him through June--you be within striking distance. How's Chipper Jones treating you? I haven't been keeping up with him lately (counting all of Drew's extra base hits this month has been pretty time-consuming, as you might imagine)--he still hitting .400? Oh well, I'm sure you're happy with the deal. I mean, your outfield is pretty crowded anyway--what, with Granderson, Hunter Pence and Vernon Wells. That's a lot of disappointment for one team to handle. Not to mention Phil Hughes--yikes. Too bad AAA stats don't count--when he gets healthy and the Yanks send him to Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, he'll be mowing them down again in no time. Send Travis "Total Attrition" Hafner my regards when he gets off the DL.

Commissioner Newman. Congrats on snagging David Wright. A solid third- or fourth-round choice. It's just a shame you used the number 1 overall pick on him. I mean, I would expect you to foresee the kind of season Lance Berkman is having (me, 15th round), and maybe your advanced scouts hadn't heard about Hanley Ramirez (me, 1st round), but you've got to go higher-value for the number 1 pick. That's my advice for next year--treasure it. Maybe you were worried JayJayMets would take him first, but here's some more advice for you: never ever worry about JayJayMets. Also, Bronson Arroyo as your 24th round "sleeper special," I think you said--sorry. I guess you figured, "he was Sartinsky's sleeper two years ago, he's got it in him for one more run at the top!" Play for this year, not last year--that's my final piece of advice. By the way, you can stop clogging my proposed trades inbox with requests for Cole Hamels. Cole is quite happy with my team (he wants a second ring). Not that I'm averse to changing things up, but if you're serious about making a move, you'll have to do a little better than Aubrey Huff.

Poor Jeff Greco. It's a good thing you get bored with this league three weeks in or else you'd be pretty disappointed with the carnage that is your starting lineup. Lynch talked all year last year about how his biggest mistake was drafting Johan in the first round--did you really think a move to the NL and another year past his prime was going to make that blunder look better? You've got good instincts, though. I can tell because every time I picked someone, (Papelbon, fourth round; Lincecum, eighth; SHEETS, eleventh), you always chimed in with a timely "aw, I was JUST ABOUT TO PICK HIM!!!!" A little quicker on the draw next year and maybe you'll be in contention. Although you did beat me to Erik Bedard, so nice work there.

Josh. I didn't think your Jason Bay gaffe could be topped, but dropping Ian Kinsler? To make room for Adam Dunn? I mean, I like Adam Dunn, but--not your finest moment as GM. The fact that you realized it immediately as evidence by your "holy shit oops" message posted mere minutes after the transaction took place barely makes it better. Changing your team name to the "What Have I Dunns?" was appreciated, though.

Ben--congratulations on a solid season. Fifth place again, but your franchise is making some serious improvements. OK, so Andruw Jones kind of sucks worse than ever, but that's OK. I can see how you might have thought--new team, new contract, he's headed for a bounceback year. I mean, I guess that argument was less convincing when you said, as you drafted him, "I'm picking this guy because he's on the Dodgers and he spells his name like an asshole," but we all have our good-luck charms. Brad Penny's hurt you, but since you only drafted him because you heard he's "nailing Elisha Dushku," I'm not sure that even matters (and at least you kept him out of Lynch's hands--very kind of you). And, I mean, I wouldn't continue keeping Roger Clemens or Barry Bonds on the roster if I were you, but if Bonds does get picked up one of these days, I may eat my words. Clemens might end up in jail, though, so don't say I didn't warn you.

JayJayMets. What can I say? I guess I can understand how you might be disappointed that Jose Reyes wasn't available at #5--but your first round choice of the midget who used to follow Pedro around was puzzling. Because he's dead, mostly. You hadn't heard about that? Yeah, couple years ago, I think. So you kind of stumbled out of the gate, but you recovered nicely, I thought, picking up Carlos Quentin. Oh wait, that was Carlos Delgado? Well, his slugging percentage is almost .500. I mean, only 80 points shy. Within shouting distance. You've had it tough, though, I realize this. You have to deal with the shame of losing to Ben Simpson, a guy who took Ryan Spilborghs in the third round because his name sounded like Spielberg. You have to deal with the indignity of Yahoo ranking you in seventh place in a league that only contains six teams. And we were all taken aback when your second baseman got fired a couple weeks back. Although you should know that Willie Randolph is a manager now. He doesn't play anymore.

There there, gents, that wasn't so bad, was it? Chins up, better luck next year.