My life in wrestling, 1

I had it all sewn up. I gave the guy (Eddie "Lethario Jefferson" Gomez) my new finisher, the Chiller Chokeslam. What I do is I grab Ed around the neck--but barely, though--and he rabs onto my arm and makes his eyes bug out ("selling it") and then he jumps into the air and throws himself onto his back and I pin him. I like it because I don't have to do anything but just stand there looking happy-angry (as opposed to, say, hurt-angry or confused-angry or angry-angry) and let him throw himself down.

So Ed is out on the mat, really selling it. He just lays there, stretched all the way out, and his left leg twitches just ever so slightly, every second or two, which is a nice touch. It used to freak me out, that kind of thing, until I learned that's not the way it happens to the body after it's been grievously fucked up. What really happens is your arms curl in like they're claws now and you're clawing away at something like the inside of your tomb and the legs shoot out and everything is stiff stiff stiff and you're basically inanimate at this point, basically building material, except something that I'm not even sure what starts in with the spasming and all of a sudden you're flopping around like you're in a frying pan or something, your limbs still rigor mortised (though not really, obviously) into place. Much more dramatic.

I lay across Eddie. "You OK?" I ask, even though I have no reason to believe otherwise, I'm just making sure. He nods, sort of. So I've got it won in theory, but his valet Lauren "Vi-Vicious" Goldman jumps on the mat and starts throwing a fit, hitting the ropes and yelling. The people in the stands can't hear her, but what she's yelling is something like "HEY HEY RAH GAH WAH WAH NO NO" etc. It's really just important that your mouth's moving.

So the ref, who was about to count my pinfall, runs over to intercept Laurie, even though she obviously has no intention of getting in the ring. The ref waves his arms to try to get Laurie off the mat; she stomps her foot like a child or an uneasy racehorse. While they're waving their hands I hit the mat in frustration--I've had him out for a three count! I should be the winner!

So I finally pull myself off Eddie and run over to the ropes and start waving my arms with the other two. The ref has been saying stuff to Laurie like "NO YOU HAVE TO GO LET'S GO YOU HAVE TO GO" and when I get over there I start shouting "HEY LET'S GO ALREADY C'MON LET'S GO NOW." This happens for a few seconds while--unbeknownst to me, wink wink--Eddie is shaking out the cobwebs. When he's recovered sufficiently, Laurie slaps me in the pec--or where my pec would be were I not fat. I snap up after that and me, she and the ref are all still for just a second, like a shared "oh shit" moment where we all recognize the gravity of the situation, and then I grab her hair. Here, as I threaten to pull her into the ring, the people in the stands (at least the ones paying attention) et excited--you can FEEL it, really--because now this horrible shrew is finally going to get what's coming to her, and she's stomping one foot then the other and freaking out and slapping at my big meaty hand and the ref's shouting "DON'T DO IT MAN YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IT" and I'm just about to do it when Eddie reaches between my legs and grabs my dick (basically) and at this cue I drop Laurie's hair and do a half-backwards somersault and Eddie rolls on top of me and I'm kicking my little feet ridiculously and the ref makes the count--1-2-3--and I've been pinned. Eddie rolls out of the ring and he and Laurie embrace, panting, like they just survived a tornado or something, and they make their way down the aisle while I sit there on my knees, stunned.

You can usually hera the audience basically groan at this point. Sometimes you'll hear someone yell "LAME" really loud. Whatever.

The last time we pulled this little stunt ("The Diversion") was last Thursday night. Lethario Jefferson is meant to be a world-class asshole, and I'm the good, hip, conscientious Dr. Slick. But I watched Eddie head down the aisle after the match and everyone wanted to slap his hand, which is only supposed to happen with us good guys. And it was a small aisle that night--I think we were in some Bingo hall, basically, in some town called Holland, MI that night--so they were really grabbing him. Which forced "Lethario" to, like, pretend he was going to slap some guy's hand and then pull away and yell at people. It was a good effort, but it didn't work--mostly after Eddie yelled the people just looked amused, like in a mean way, like when you try to pet a little fluffy dog and it freaks out on you and now you want to just kick it. Someone grabbed one of Vi-Vicious' tits. They finally got backstage.

Still on my knees, I pleaded with the ref, like, "COME ON MAN" but he shook his head and said "NO NO COUNTED THREE I COUNTED THREE." No one paid attention to him when he went up the aisle. I had to keep sitting in the ring, because you have to stagger your exits. That's the hardest part--staggering your exits post-match.

Finally I could leave. I put on my Dr. Slick shades and grabbed my stethoscope and got out of the ring. Before I was even walking down the aisle they shut off the lights and directed the crowd's attention to a video on the Gargantua-Screen, which is, in fact, just a pretty big TV. I put my head down and headed for the back.

When I got to the narrow part of the aisle I reached my arms out to slap hands with the fans, but none of them slapped back, so I had to pretend I had just been stretching. Someone shouted "You suck, Slick" and then threw an ice cream bar-recreation of The Hofstra Kid's nose and mouth (the gumball eyes having been consumed) at my back. Ice cream being sticky, the bar stuck. I reached back to pull it off but couldn't grab it, which got people laughing. Who cares. Probably like 9 or 7 people saw it, only. At most, there were only 600 in the place anyway.

I got backstage and Ed said "Nice job out there" and tousled may hair and Laurie scraped the ice cream off my back into a waste basket and gave me a kiss on the cheek.