The loneliest man on earth climbs a mountain

After four days of climbing, the loneliest man on earth reached the top of the mountain. He sighed.

"All this earth and not one person living on it for me."

***

The world's loneliest man climbed to the top of the largest mountain in the state today. He credits his successful climb to the hundreds of hours of training and preparation he was able to undergo during the time another person might spend loving and being loved.

***

"You climbed to the top of the highest mountain in the state. How does that make you feel?"

"Briefly, accomplished. Then, the same."

"Would you have been able to climb this mountain were you not lonely?"

"No."

***

There is a sign at the bottom of the mountain reading: "Mt. -----. No one has ever climbed it before because no one has ever found the time." Now that the loneliest man on earth has climbed the mountain, they will have to change the sign. After many months, the loneliest man on earth will do it himself, because the park ranger in charge of the signs made a New Year's Resolution to spend more time with his family.

***

Months earlier, the loneliest man on earth sat in his apartment. He had turned off the TV a few minutes earlier, but hadn't mustered the strength to get up.

Maybe I will climb a mountain.

***

You may have heard about this--the loneliest man on earth climbed a mountain this week. Have you heard about this? Yeah, I guess they found him on the top snuggling with a Yeti.

[STANDING OVATION]

***

"Have you met a lot of new and interesting people as a result of your having climbed this mountain?"

"I didn't do it to meet a lot of new and interesting people."

"Do you feel gratified that you've finally silenced doubters who thought that the loneliest man on earth could never climb a mountain?"

"I didn't do this to silence the doubters."

"Do you feel gratified that you're finally being given the recognition you've always felt you deserved--if not for any specific accomplishments per se--then just for surviving this fucking long? Not because your life is so bad--you have a good job, make a comfortable income, live in the most technologically advanced country in the earth's history, after all--but just because it takes a fucking hero to survive this fucking nightmare of a planet day-in-day-out for what amounts to basically an eternity--our lives, they are our own eternities, after all--all of which is to say, are you glad you're receiving this recognition now, loneliest man on earth, for climbing the mountain?"

"I didn't do this for recognition."

"Then why did you do it?"

"..."

***

There were times when the loneliest man on earth thought about throwing himself into a chasm or crevice. It's not that he ever rejected the idea. Instead, he just took another step up.

***

"What will you do now?"

"I supposed I will have to find another mountain."

***

The loneliest man on earth considered hiring someone to guide him to the top of the mountain. But what if they didn't have anything in common?

***

"What do you say to all those kids out there who want to climb mountains like you someday?"

"The most important thing you have to do before you climb a mountain is do one thing you regret, and let it cut you up inside for the rest of your life."

"What do you say to all those kids out there who want to climb mountains like you someday?"

"You don't."

"What do you say to all those kids out there who want to climb mountains like you someday?"

"Work now on starting a family and then someday find a job you can stand instead."

"What do you say to all those kids out there who want to climb mountains like you someday?"

"Eat lots of pasta."

[APPLAUSE]

***

At first, the climbing was about forgetting the loneliness, but that didn't work for very long. And then it became an expression of the loneliness; the loneliness was a kind of fuel, as it were; with the crunch of every shoe on the loose pebbles or, eventually, the brittle snow, he asserted his loneliness, and in this way, sought to take control of it. If he could express it, then he could understand it, and if he could understand it, then he could understand it away. By the end, the climb was about the loneliness, and he began to understand it as not a climb at all--he was not climbing as a symptom of his loneliness, it simply was loneliness, this climb--it was not even a part of some larger loneliness, or what have you, it was simply Loneliness; if someone asked what he was doing, while he was climbing that mountain, he would have responded "Loneliness." And then he got to the top, and in this way, he made others aware of his loneliness. And did he feel better, then? Oh we know he felt worse later, but in that brief moment at the top of the mountain, before he started back down, did he feel better, then?