Rejected headlines, Sept. 2007-Present

Roommate’s LiveJournal full of warning signs
Hung jury in “Jury Strangler” trial
Elevator Wars Escalate
Obama Endorsed By Short Man Dressed As Abraham Lincoln
Romney’s Son Escapes, Speaks Out About His Harrowing Experience As A Romney
OnStar Representative Directs Suicidal Man To Nearest Bridge
NASA Allocates $800 Million To Clarify The Whole Meteor/Comet/Asteroid Thing
Doctor Disobeys Vengeful God By Reviving Heart Attack Victim
New Bill Would Change Primary Season Into 16-Candidate Bracket-Style Tournament
Dying Senator introduces bill to make it legal to sell kidneys to him
80% of Americans say their life would make a pretty good dramedy
TLC premieres new wardrobe/home/attitude/dating/weight makeover show "You're A Total Mess"
Renegade Congressman-Elect to resign rather than cut his ponytail
Nefarious Ne’er-Do-Well Twirls Moustache
Man Dressed As Mark Twain Bores Schoolchildren
Global Warming Wreaks Havoc On Windbreaker Industry
Pets Becoming Ill From Dog Food Made Of Horses Who Had Been Fed Dog
Summer Camp For Hemophiliacs Mostly Sitting
Nation’s fathers better not hear you’re messing around on that MySpace
Hillary Must Pretend To Find Offensive New Viral Video Amusing
Inspirational Quote Of The Day Calendar Inspires Man To Buy A Better Calendar
McCain Injures Self Appealing To Younger Voters
AIDS researcher accidentally finds yet another cure for erectile dysfunction
McCain Has Only Been Campaigning In States With Sizzler Restaurants
Jaguar Mispronounced
Family cat knocks McCain’s wife off mantle
McCain’s healthcare plan only includes ailments he is suffering from
Obama still receiving rambling McCain concession phone call
Wistful Congressman Introduces Bill To Preserve Our Nation’s Wasted Youth
Judge "Very Disappointed" In Serial Rapist, Sentences Him To "Get Out Of [His] Sight"
Congressman In Poor Disguise Lavishes Praise Upon Himself
Representative Rails Against Rep. Nefario’s Diabolical Economy-Sabotage Bill
Commercial Hilarious, Reports Roommate Who Must Be Fucking Braindead
Grown Man Mispronounces "Macaroni"
Despite Empty Dance Floor, Wedding DJ Vows To Push Through Chicken Dance
Energy Crisis Increases Demand For Things Powered By Giant Hamster Wheels
Hair Slicked Forward
70% Of All Moods Set With Marimba
Horvord College Tops Princeton Review's Unaccredited College Rankings
Study: True Romance Now Only Found In Diamond Commercials
Asshole Scientists Reach Breakthrough In Curing Your Face
Obama Encourages Struggling Americans To Make Ends Meet By Selling Jewelry They Make Out Of Rocks From Their Rock Tumblers
Steady Job The Only Thing Keeping Prison Guard Out Of Prison
Pope Reignites Euthanasia Debate By Slipping Into Coma
Governor's Budget Full Of Clues He's Going To Kill Himself
Beach-Goer Accidentally Wins World Boogie-Boarding Championship