The Ethicist is no longer taking my letters

Dear The Ethicist,

A co-worker and friend recently found out that he makes less money than others in his department who have the same title, hours and responsibilities. It is largely based on seniority, but he believes this is unfair. As a result, he has been doing less work and taking on fewer projects, using his smaller pay as justification. May I sell him to a black market "human zoo," in which he'll be locked in a small cage and kept in a weed-choked lot where the wealthy can pay to watch him abused?

C.S., BROOKLYN

Dear The Ethicist,

I work weekends, and my neighbor often plays loud music late at night. I've asked her to keep it down several times, but it doesn't seem to do much good. Most "human zoos" prize women because they are rare in captivity, and they allow human zoos to breed more humans who, captive from birth, are generally more docile. May I trick her into signing what she believes to be a petition for a new crosswalk in the neighborhood, but is actually a contract indenturing her to a human zoo I know of?

C.S., BROOKLYN

Dear The Ethicist,

Recently, I promised the proprietor of a "human zoo" to obtain for him one human female of breeding age. I received half the money in advance, but was unable to fulfill my obligation. I understood the fee as an advance to cover man-hunting expenses; he understood it as contingent on my delivery of the woman to his human zoo. Must I return the money?

C.S., BROOKLYN

Dear The Ethicist,

I recently sold several people to a "human zoo," with what I believed to be an understanding regarding the conditions in which they would be kept. I thought they would be chained in a small steel cage and beaten severely only when they misbehaved, but I recently discovered that the proprietor of this human zoo often beats his caged humans for no reason at all. May I continue selling humans to this human zoo? Or must I sell them to another human zoo, which I also know of, but whose payments for humans I know to be less timely?

C.S., BROOKLYN

Dear The Ethicist,

I make a living by selling humans to various "human zoos," which keep the people I sell in cages, beat them mercilessly and sometimes sell them for meat. Recently, one of the humans I sold escaped after chewing through his own leg to escape his chains. The chains were mine, but the transaction was complete, and he was in the zoo's custody. The proprietor of the human zoo is demanding I return his money; I maintain that the escape was the fault of his insufficient security. May I keep the money?

C.S., BROOKLYN

Dear The Ethicist,

A friend of mine has been struggling to find work and asked me for help. Finally I agreed to take him aboard my small business and split profits with him 60-40. He was unhappy with this arrangement and sold me to a "human zoo." Most of my fellow captives are people I sold to the zoo, and they often beat me, steal my food and defecate near my cage. May I request special lodging arrangements from my zookeeper?

C.S., BROOKLYN