Working the room

Thank you, thank you. It's wonderful to be back here in Los Angeles. Crowds here are much better than they are in New York. What's that? We are in New York?

Sorry. I suffered severe brain trauma as a child and sometimes forget where I am.

That is not a joke.

You, sir, good evening. Where are you from? Queens, huh? Well eff you and eff everyone from Queens.

I'm just kidding.

That's a lovely woman you're here with tonight. Is she your girlfriend? What's that? The person I thought I was gesturing to is nothing more than a coat draped over a chair?

It is very dark in this room, I don't think you understand. My mistake.

Where is your girlfriend, sir? Is she dead? Is she in the hospital? Oh, you don't have a girlfriend. Probably because you're such a clumsy clod.

Ha ha, lighten up.

Why are people in the back streaming toward the exit? The show isn't over, folks. Maybe I'm not speaking loud enough.

How about you, sir, where are you from? I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, I suddenly became very dizzy. That is not a joke. I am going to sit on this stool for a second and collect myself until I don't feel like I'm going to vomit anymore.

All right, I think I'm ok.

So where did you say you were from, sir? Oh wait, you don't have to tell me, because I DON'T CARE AT ALL.

Lighten up, sir, I'm only joking. Stop looking at your watch; I can see that.

Can I get a glass of water? Where's the bartender?

How about you, ma'am, what brings you here. It's your birthday? How old are you, 100? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult you, numbers are completely meaningless to me ever since I suffered some severe brain trauma as a child. I cannot balance a checkbook and I am in incredible debt.

Had I already mentioned the brain trauma before? My short-term memory is very spotty.

Does anyone in the crowd know what it means to suffer from sudden and severe vertigo? Never mind, I'll move on.

So it's your birthday, ma'am, how old are you turning? 21? Well congratulations. I imagine you'll celebrate by having relations with a derelict whose beard is caked with sweat and mud like you young girls do today. Facebook. I know what that is.

Lighten up, honey. You're real sweet. Yeah -- SWEET LIKE A HANDFUL OF PUSHPINS! Am I right folks? Why are so many of you leaving? Nothing is going on in the vestibule; the show is here on stage.

How about you, sir, where are you from? You, in the back, standing there by the bar. What's that, no one's there? So what am I pointing at? A stack of boxes?

Who would stack boxes right there? Someone was bound to get confused.

A lot of real goofballs in this crowd tonight. Don't stare down at the tables and clear your throats. I know what that means! It means you CAN'T PAY ATTENTION.

Facebook. Face -- Myspace.

I'm not sobbing. No, I'm laughing at you clods. Don't offer me a handkerchief, sir. I'm sure you need it to wipe the -- tears from your -- face, after I -- call you a card short -- of a -- full deck, and you're a -- stupid card --

Can anyone drive me home? My address is on a slip of paper on my wallet. It is not far from here, but I have literally no sense of direction. I don't know why I'm here. We can take my car. Here are the keys.

Sir, I am sure these are keys, not a small stack of dirty papers as you are alleging. Oh, wait a minute, you're right. I apologize for jumping to conclusion. Now I remember; they took my keys from me because they told me I present a bodily risk to myself.

I can't have anything sharp, folks, that's the God's honest truth.

May I have some food from your plate, ma'am? What are you eating? That's not a plate? What is it, then? Your purse? I'll eat whatever's in that, if you have some crackers or breathmints. No, I'm not homeless, but I forget to eat sometimes. For days at a time. I had a nurse, but I fired her.

Lighten up, folks. We're having fun.