Pizza Place

Welcome to Pizza Place.  We are voted the top Pizza Restaurant in the whole city by a panel of voters we selected.  We have a whole kitchen full of pizza ingredients that we have to make a pizza for you.

Our most popular pizza contains no toppings in addition to its sauce and cheese (which we put on all pizzas except in case of allergies or we ran out of the ingredient).  Our second most popular kind is peppers.  We have no pepperoni so when someone asks us for that (pepperoni) we just put some peppers on it and then when they accuse us of making the wrong pizza we play them a doctored recording of their order in which they seem to ask only for pepper pizza.  We find that the cost of pepperoni is simply too much to carry, while peppers is much cheaper, and all of our low-wage employees are trained in audio manipulation so we don't have to pay for an extra audio manipulator to prove our false pepper story, and so overall, the cost of producing thousands of incorrect pepper pizzas (including lost customers and compensatory "WE'RE SORRY" bibs which we award to each complaining person) is less than the cost of slicing pepperoni for every pizza order we receive.  We rarely use fresh peppers.

You may have seen our commercials for Pizza Place on television.  In them, a man sits down and enjoys a lovely pizza on his table.  The reason the pizza looks delicious is that it is not ours, we bought it at another pizza shop.  We were going to use one of our pizzas but it was dropped upside-down into a sewer grate, and though we then fed it to the actor, he subsequently complained of ingesting sewer grime.  So after, we bought another pizza from a nearby shop, which is better than any pizza we've ever served, because their ingredients were not kept in a pool of murky water inside a broken fridge.  We promise to fix our fridge the very moment we are required to do so by a health inspector, which might be a long time because we never show them it, we always lie and say our fridge is off-site.

We are also well known for our sodas.  The sodas we have come from the freshest soda machine in the city.  We have great stickers on our soda machine telling you that we have all the most popular sodas including Coke and Sprite.  But in fact the soda juice we use is made by a company of thrifty Jews who use poor ingredients like sugar sludge, which is the bad part of sugar that falls off conveyor belts in real sugar factories and then is sold mostly to farm animals.  All of our sodas are filled with this sludge and are also the wrong colors, which we conceal by using filthy cups.  If someone says we used the wrong type of soda then our employees is instructed to run across the busy highway to the gas station to buy a can of real soda and then pour that in the filthy glass.  Many of our employees have been struck by cars on the busy highway in this manner, but replacements are easily found, for they do not know the risks of running across the busy highway yet and how often they will be asked to do it (several times per shift).

Our location on a busy highway is very convenient, except for our customers, because we have no parking lot, and those who do park in the lot next to our restaurant find that they have parked in a private lot owned by a sanitation company, and we then call the police and get their cars towed.  Usually this assists us to sell an extra soda to people while they scream into a pay phone, haggling with crooked tow truck men.

Termites live in our furniture.  This enables us to seat you in a pile of rubble.  "Table for three?" you'll ask, and our host will respond, "Follow me to this rubble."  This is also why we ask all of our customers to be sprayed with a caustic spray before they enter the restaurant -- this makes it less likely that the termites and other mites and bugs that live in our furniture will burrow into your garments or skin, thus depriving us of mites that are valuable to our business practices.  If our employees spray you in the eyes, we are sorry, that is only because they haven't been instructed on how to spray humans safely.

Pizza Place is proud to be one of the biggest supporters and funders of organizations that seek to ban controversial books from schools.

So come, to Pizza Place.  We promise your pizza will be satisfying here and that you will come back.  If not, then we were wrong, or perhaps you died before you got the chance to come back, which is what we usually assume so that we do not feel bad about ourselves.  The truth is, running a Pizza Place is not easy work.  The abuse that is heaped on you by your fellow man is shocking.  If you have any beliefs about the essential goodness of man, leave them at the door of Pizza Place.  I often wonder if I could have done something else, maybe a veterinarian, for I always loved animals, but the clock has now run out on that dream.  Maybe in the next life I can be the veterinarian and it will be you, Dr. Thompson, who owns the Pizza Place, and it will be me who demeans you and throws the peppers and the green-shaded cheese back in YOUR face.  And I will be totally justified in doing to you exactly what you have done to me so many times, although that will not make it right.