Thursday, February 20, 2014

Process of arbitration

Disputes between EMPLOYER and CONTRACTOR over the terms of this contract shall be adjudicated through the Arbitration process, as described in Section D.

(D) Should CONTRACTOR wish to challenge a provision set forward in this Contract, he/she may submit a written Complaint, which shall be examined by an Independent Arbitrator to be selected by EMPLOYER on the basis of who is EMPLOYER’s best friend.  If Independent Arbitrator finds that the Complaint lacks merit, CONTRACTOR shall be fined in the amount of $500 or one week’s pay, whichever is larger.  If one week’s pay is equal to $500, then CONTRACTOR shall be fined $500, plus an additional “Confusion Fine” in the amount of $500.

If Independent Arbitrator upholds the Complaint, EMPLOYER shall visit Independent Arbitrator with a gift.  EMPLOYER may the choose to withhold the gift at his discretion.  If Independent Arbitrator cries at the withholding of the gift, the case shall be thrown out immediately.  If Independent Arbitrator still upholds the Complaint, CONTRACTOR shall select a second Independent Arbitrator (henceforth “Independent Arbitrator #2”), who shall be summarily blackballed from future Arbitration hearings (subject to appeal only in cases where Independent Arbitrator #2 is the best or next-best friend of EMPLOYER and CONTRACTOR has chosen him/her as a trick).  EMPLOYER shall then select a third Independent Arbitrator (henceforth “Independent Arbitrator #3”), who shall be EMPLOYER’s wife, or, if EMPLOYER’s wife is unavailable, EMPLOYER dressed in a wig and sundress.  If Independent Arbitrator #3 rolls a “1” on a 36-sided die, he/she will receive an additional opportunity to roll the die, and will be granted permission to try and do a trick roll so that the die does not land on “1” again.  If the die fails to land on “1” on either the first or second roll, the Complaint shall be thrown out and CONTRACTOR shall be fined in the amount of $500 or $750, whichever is larger.

If the die lands on “1” on two consecutive rolls (excepting “bad” rolls [See Section B]), then the Complaint shall be copied onto a scroll, rolled into a Conch and tossed into the sea.  If the Complaint is not returned in a timely manner, or if it is returned but the Conch is damaged, the Complaint shall be thrown out and CONTRACTOR must reimburse EMPLOYER for the cost of the Conch, or be fined in the amount of $500, whichever is larger.  If the Conch is returned by a Winged Sea Bird (excepting the Gull [see Section A]) within forty days, the Complaint shall proceed to the next stage of Arbitration.

After the return of the Conch, the Complaint shall be thrown out, but CONTRACTOR will have twenty seconds to make a persuasive counter-argument and convince EMPLOYER of his error.  This appeal shall take place on a telephone call made by EMPLOYER to CONTRACTOR, at a time when CONTRACTOR is known to be unavailable.  If CONTRACTOR does not answer his phone, the Complaint shall be thrown out.  If EMPLOYER accidentally dials the wrong number, then that is not EMPLOYER’s fault and the twenty-second Appeal Window will be considered closed, and CONTRACTOR shall reimburse EMPLOYER for the cost of the phone call.

If the counter-argument is found to be persuasive and all of the above conditions are met, then the contract shall be amended according to the Complaint.  NOT!!!!!!!  LOL.

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