Thanks for coming in, Dave. You do a great job here. Ever since we brought you on board to monitor the security cameras in the corporate bathroom to make sure nobody was using the toilet who wasn't supposed to, we've seen a big turnaround in complaints of unauthorized personnel in the executive wing and the corporate bathroom has been much cleaner overall. And we're all appreciative of your professionalism in dealing with the thousands, perhaps tens of thousands of hours of footage we've asked you to collect of myself and the other executives of this company using the toilet.
That's why it's so unfortunate that I have to lay you off.
First of all, I want you to know that this wasn't an easy decision, and it's in no way based on your performance. You've monitored our toilet cams with the utmost professionalism and discretion, and it's certainly our hope that you handle this little bump in the road with the same discretion. So while I know that you have access to archived footage of myself, Mr. Schafer, Ms. McAvoy, and the rest of the executive board urinating and defecating in a private toilet, I am completely confident that footage will remain private, even though we are quite literally powerless to stop you.
But just so we understand each other, I do want to make sure to double-check and make sure to ask that you do not release that footage, in spite of the fact that you have almost no true incentive not to, since we are laying you off and taking away your pension.
What does your pension have to do with all this? That's a great question. I could just as easily ask, "what does footage of the board of directors of a Fortune 500 company evacuating their bowels in private have to do with all this," so I can see we're on the same page. The answer to YOUR question is that we're taking away your pension illegally because we don't believe you have the resources to prosecute us. Now, obviously you DO have access to years and years of footage of the people who are stealing that pension from you using the toilet. Fair enough. But we hope you understand the potential damage that leaking that footage could do to us, and that you do the right thing by us here, even though we're letting you go and we will not get around to writing you a letter of recommendation.
Think of it this way. We both want what's best for each of us. You want a job, and we want to secure years of blurry but identifiable recordings of us sometimes noisily relieving ourselves in private. You can't get what you want. But you can help ME get what I want. First, by being laid off. Second, by doing nothing in retaliation and exercising your discretion with all the bathroom footage we commissioned you to take and monitor. And third, we are also retroactively charging you for the past nine years of health benefits.
I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?
No, sir, please.
I just wanted to very quickly stick my head in and reiterate what Tom here was saying about how we hate to let you go, not because we value your work, but because we're afraid you're going to make public the many hours of private defecation on the part of myself and the rest of our executive team that are currently in your possession.
You know, we were just discussing that.
I'm glad to know that we understand each other. Because I think if we told you we decided not to steal your pension or your money because we didn't want footage of us going to the bathroom being shown to people, that would be an insult to your integrity.
I think integrity is really the perfect word for it. I don't want you to think we ASSUMED you were going to release the footage. Quite the opposite. But we're also aware that, some people, with a grudge and nothing to lose, might act on that grudge. But you and I and Mr. Green know that two wrongs don't make a right.
And it's not even wrong from our perspective to lay you off, so really, you'd only have one wrong, which in no WAY makes a right.
I think that's very well said and we can all agree on that, can't we?
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