My shell

Sure is hot today, isn't it?  One of those days the sun seems to beat down on you without mercy.  Where you can hardly move because it feels like all the energy's been sucked out of you by the sun's thirsty rays.  It's just plain hot.

That's why I'm wearing this turtle shell made of cardboard and paper on my back.

See, because I was in my apartment the other night, sweating away as usual, when I started to think to myself, maybe I should not be so arrogant as a person as to believe that I have all the answers, and maybe I should look to the animal kingdom for a clue to the question of how to beat the heat.  For aren't there many animals that live in these kinds of temperatures frequently with hardly a complaint?  And what animal is more effective at this than the turtle, who lives for hundreds of years in hot, filthy muck?  So I went to the library and checked out several books about turtles and learned that they cooled themselves by rubbing wet grass on themselves and hiding in their shells, which also protect them from predators.  And I said, well there you go, if that isn't the answer right there in front of you!

I thought about rubbing wet grass on myself also, as the turtles do, but I didn't want to look like a weirdo.  So I decided only to wear the shell.

I made the shell out of cardboard and paper last night in my apartment.  What I did was I took a couple pieces of an old box and taped them together and then kind of bent them into a bit of a round shell shape, which was a little tricky, because the boxes were originally rectangles.  And then I used a couple pieces of twine to make straps so that I could hold it on my back in a manner similar to that of the turtle (although turtles don't have straps, it is my understanding that their body is just sort of mooshed inside).  I also painted the shell green to give it a real turtle feel, which I thought would get people more excited about it.

The turtle shell was almost immediately effective.  As the heat in my apartment grew, I just pulled myself inside and felt as if I were entering a refrigerated igloo!  And even walking around, the sun didn't feel as hot, because it didn't beat on my back.  The turtle shell was so effective that I wanted to share it with others in the park.  I could just imagine how every person having a shell might change society.  We might eliminate heat wave-related deaths by encouraging our elderly and vulnerable who are unable to afford air conditioners to retreat into their shells for hours at a time.  We could begin to inhabit previously inhospitable climates -- not to speak of global warming, if that's true as they warn (I certainly don't want to take a controversial political opinion on that one!)!

I began to approach people casually in the park to strike up a conversation with them.  I would usually begin by discussing something relevant like the weather, and then only jumping at them and showing off my shell when their guard was dropped.  In this way I was able to shock many people, which was the intended effect, but I was somewhat perplexed by the "cool" reaction (no pun intended!) I was receiving to my shell from others.  A couple people I was able to engage in conversation only after removing my shell, but then when I put it back on they walked away from me very quickly.

Towards the end of the day, I was approached by some tough teens.  I could hear them snickering at me as I approached.  I tried to walk past them in a nonchalant manner, not making eye contact with them, but they grabbed me as I walked by.  They asked me about the "gay" construct I was wearing on my back.  I decided to talk to them confidently, and began to explain some of the primary benefits of wearing the shell, but before I was able to finish they began to shove me.  I realized, I could get myself out of this situation peacefully, if only I followed the example of the turtle!  I curled up and hid in my shell, but it didn't take long for the teens to stomp a hole in it and then continue stomping at me until I was injured enough for their satisfaction.

But the truth is, I have enough cardboard at home to make yet another turtle shell for the warm weather, and I plan to do exactly that tomorrow!

I think there are many lessons we can learn from the turtle, and we probably already have.  What are buildings, but shells that we put in the ground instead of carrying on our backs?  And isn't a sharp beak to cut through leaves a better (and healthier!) option than many teeth that can be corroded by too much soda and candy?  I hope to be getting a beak soon.  Society is another thing that can be reorganized to more closely resemble the world of the turtle.  The turtle, others have said, does not love -- it merely procreates bloodlessly, its spawn hatching out of thick, leathery eggs, abandoned by all but the tides.  This, many would say, is less than what we humans have now.  But the turtle also never feels alienated and humiliated by its own kind, for larger turtles receive no satisfaction from victimizing their smaller brethren.  And so if the turtle's experience of life is narrower, it is narrower on both ends, with less love but less hurt too, and how many of us are truly lucky enough to be in a position to say honestly that we would not be better off living as the turtles do?