How to Penguins

Penguins are interesting animals.  Their main foods are fish, plants and ice.  They also eat shit.  They lay eggs of round ivory.  When the ivory cracks, the penguin knows its baby is to be born.  It steps off the egg and pecks through it with its sharp beak.  The baby is pulled from its yolky home.  It takes two days for the baby penguin to be able to walk on its own, but once it is able, they are very independent creatures, walking around the ice looking for fish to eat.  Most fish of the region live on the ice and walk around and have feathers to keep them warm in the cold, inky water.  The water of the region is inky black because it is the dwelling of Satan.  It falls to the penguin to beat back the encroaching evil that awakens every cold season in the deepest Antarctic and hopes to claw its way north into our hearts -- beginning with those in the southernmost Americas and pooling outwards from there like, again, a drop of ink in a pure clean liquid-glass.  Thousands of penguins die every season in defense of the continents from this assault.  So if you see a penguin, give him your thanks, and a hearty meal of shit, for he will need such support as he wages his lonely battle with the cold that chills your heart at night: the rage, the despair, the death-wishing, the pure burning hate for everyone you see and everything that's ever happened and for above all your own weak, miserable, disgusting self.  It is thanks to the penguin that this cold is not worse.  Penguins also have webbed feet.