Super foods

I am healthy.  I eat hundreds of super-foods a day.  I eat them in massive quantities in order to maximize their nutritional value. 

Super-foods are like regular foods, only their nutritional value has been enhanced, often in labs.  Labs are extraordinarily healthy environments, due to their frequent sterilization and all the scientists around.  Many super-foods were grown in labs, but some occur naturally, in situations where foods have been subject to mutations and rapid evolutionary changes, such as in the ashes of an exploded volcano.  That's where lava-berries come from.  Lava-berries are a super-food that takes the form of a pus-seeping green sac of seeds.  Their name comes from lava, which is the substance that causes their rapid mutation and measurable irradiation levels.  You eat lava-berries by puncturing the seeping sac and eating the seeds.  The pus is rancid and noxious and some will inevitably slime your seeds -- this is just the price one must pay to enjoy high-quality super-foods.

Certain super-foods have made the transition to mainstream success.  Acai berry is one example.  If you have never heard of something, until it is suddenly in yogurt, that is most probably a super-food.  But the super-foods that break through to a mass audience are usually the blandest and least nutritionally exceptional.  Most people have little tolerance for super-foods.  True super-foods will rip holes in your digestive tract.  To safely enjoy super-foods on a regular basis, doctors suggest the removal of your colon.

I haven't had a colon in fifteen years.  It's been, fine.  It's true that the colon performs many vital functions in the human body, but I've found that there are none so vital that they can't be duplicated in a pinch by a plastic bag duct-taped to one's inner thigh.  If duct-taping a plastic bag to my thigh and slowly filling it throughout the day with warm, fetid, nutritionally-rich waste, and emptying it up to ten times per day is the price of keeping my body in peak condition through the consumption of super-foods, well then, I'll continue duct-taping that bag to my thigh.  My waste is so rich in nutrition that a jungle has grown around my backyard compost heap, and the vines in this jungle are so voracious that I no longer have access to my garage, and last week I'm pretty sure I saw a monkey in there.

I've also removed all ten of my fingers intentionally.  There was no medical reason to, but there was also no medical reason not to.  I have a friend who's a doctor and he did it for me.  Now that I have no fingers, I mash up the super-foods with my palms and suck the mash off my knuckles.  It feels like a more efficient way of eating, although it is messy.  To combat the mess, I tie a soggy rag around my forehead and wash by repeatedly smashing my head against the food, or spilled thigh-bag contents, or whatever I'm cleaning.

I wrenched off my jaw to make swallowing super-foods a frictionless process.  Now the lower half of my head is just one big orifice into which I can pour an unending stream of nutritionally modified sludges.  Sludges are best, because solids are difficult to eat without a jaw (I admit I failed to consider this complication before I went through with the jaw removal).  I can still swallow some berries and extremely dense grains, but I will begin choking on them, which can be painful.  I had my throat widened to make it easier to shove my fingerless hands down my throat to push the food through to what's left of my digestive system as it makes its way to my taped bag.

They say that a man who eats enough super-foods will live forever, but I'm still going to eat them, and if the worst-case scenario comes to pass I'll just throw myself off a cliff, or into the sea, or under a truck's grinding wheels.