Pat Robertson, eating a dry turkey sandwich in Dover, Pennsylvania

You see? You see?

In lieu of a funny, meaningful update, a Phil Eye joke:

Kids are stupid. You know that phrase "I am rubber and you are glue?" What does that mean? I don't know if you've ever fired glue at rubber, but it doesn't exactly bounce.

["And another thing..."

"Uh, Phil? I don't think that's what the phrase means."

"Huh?"

"It means that I am rubber whereas you, who insulted me, are glue and the insult bounces off of me and sticks to you."

"Oh, wow. I never knew that."]

I have no idea where to go with this

Rodney the Obsessive Compulsive Rapper

Rather than rapping about sex, drugs, money and violence like other rappers, Rodney raps about his overwhelming fear of germs.

Waiting 20 minutes at the Heaven Post Office

Even as a child, I was obsessed with the idea of death and the afterlife. I think it is only natural to wonder what is going to happen when one dies. I want to prepare myself for the inevitability of death by considering everything that could possibly come after it.

I think that everyone receives their own personal Hell to suit their personality. I do not take disappointment very well. That's why I think my own personal Hell would be exactly like real life only everyone would tell me I'm in Heaven. Not that my real life has been that disappointing, but were I to make it into Heaven, I would certainly be expecting a little bit more.

I could imagine descending into Hell and arriving at some sort of Heavenly gate where Satan is standing wearing a flowing white robe and a fluffy fake beard. He would welcome me to Heaven and I would be too overjoyed to notice any inconsistencies that otherwise might have bothered me like the tail poking out from God's robe or the sound of people screaming in agony just behind the gates. But I would quickly notice that something was wrong.

"Boy, it's a bit chilly up here," I'd say.

"Well, it's November." I guess I would only be able to nod at this. After all, one doesn't want to question or criticize God at the very moment he has just been accepted into his Heavenly kingdom. I would only be able to silently wonder how, in this day and age, Heaven did not yet have central air. I would have assumed that Heaven would have been one of the first places to install temperature regulation like that. "There's a welcome center down the road," Satan would continue, pointing through the gates. "They have coffee in there if you want to warm yourself up."

"I don't drink coffee," I'd respond. "Do they have hot chocolate?"

"No."

I imagine nothing would be a greater punishment for me than having to wait in line at the Heaven Post Office for 20 minutes to mail a simple package to someone across the afterlife. After all, one would expect Heaven to have a much more efficient method of distributing parcels.

Even in an eternity, 20 minutes is a long time to be waiting for anything. Plus, I would probably park in the "15 minutes or less" space outside the front and get my car towed. I hate to even think of the logistical nightmare of impound yards in Hell.

I'd probably be more careless if I thought I was in Heaven as well. I imagine that during one of those fierce New England ice storms that I always imagined would go away after I died, my power would go out and I'd have to light candles to make my way around the house. Of course in the real world, I'm always careful to never let candles burn unattended, but I would never see a house fire coming if I thought I was in Heaven. I'd probably fall asleep on the couch waiting for the TV to come back on (not that there's ever anything good on). I'd knock a candle over, set the entire house ablaze, and then have to bashfully explain to the little demons dressed as angel firefighters just how it was possible to start a raging blaze in Heaven. Then, out in the shivering cold, I'd probably catch pneumonia and have to spend the next several weeks recuperating in a hospital.

I suppose that Hell could be pretty awful without all kinds of deceptions like that, though. It must be pretty awkward to bump into someone you know in Hell. Like if you're tired of the ring of the slothful and decide to wander around and take a break and suddenly stumble upon your wife toiling away in the ring of the adulterous. That would probably be a tough way to find out. And if you're the adulterer, it would probably make explaining yourself a bit difficult. One false word and you're busted down to the ring of falsehood so fast your head spins. It would be impossible to keep a secret.

It probably isn't healthy to be obsessing over the afterlife. And it's probably just screwing everything up anyway. Hell has to be worse and Heaven better than anyone can imagine. God certainly doesn't want people to get to the afterlife and be disappointed. All hype and no substance: That's why everyone hates Epcot. I guess the only thing I can do is live my life now and wait until I die to worry about the rest. And if I get sent to war or put in some other dangerous situation, I'd be sure to carry an extra sweater. You never know what's waiting for you on the other side.

A line from I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's 1996 novel "The Apprentice"

He asked if they should fuck the deer

Recent Marmadukes

An account of my first experience performing in a comedy club

Last night, I performed at open mic night at Dick Doherty's. It was the first time I'd ever done stand up off the BU campus at anything other than a BU event. I was given the second-to-last spot on the roster, which was a bit discouraging. Most people leave before the end, especially the ones who other comedians bring (every comedian has to bring two people to the show or else they aren't allowed to perform). I wanted to get my best five minutes on tape and I was hoping people would stick around so someone watching the tape could actually hear people laughing at my jokes.

A few comedians in, Gary Gulman arrived. For those who don't know, Gary Gulman is a hilarious comedian who has been on national TV and is very successful (hopefully, I'll be seeing him here at BU on Wednesday). Established comedians often come to these things unannounced to try out new material that they plan on using in front of larger audiences. So Gulman did a rough set that was pretty funny (he's real nice too, by the way) and a good percentage of the audience left when he finished. The poor sap who went on after him bombed about as hard as is possible to bomb. I don't mean to complain because it's pretty awesome that I was in the same show as Gary Gulman, but he did kind of kill the crowd.

And then, Rob O'Reilly performed. Rob tried out a couple new jokes of his own, then told his version of the Aristocrats. This is an old joke where the setup ("A family walks into a talent office...") and the punch line ("it's called the Aristocrats!") are the same and the comedian fills the middle with every vulgar and offensive thing he can make the family do. That is what Rob did. Most of the audience sat in stunned silence while Ben almost cried from laughing so hard and was heard to say "Oh God!" more than once.

Rob's joke caused another mass exodus of spectators. The woman running the club was furious. She came backstage and yelled at him for doing an old joke, offending people, and killing the crowd. She loudly apologized to the other comedians who now had to perform in front of a dead crowd. Meanwhile, another comedian told Rob he was great, Gulman said that what he did was ballsy if nothing else and though he said it wasn't the best move as one "only gets so much open mic time" he said it was a great rendition, and the woman who ran the club told him to just leave because she was so furious she couldn't stand to see him. So he left.

And then a little while later, I went on. To no more than twelve people in the audience and a couple comedians in the back. Six of the people in the audience are people I had brought. Five of those people had heard every joke I told that night.

So all things considered, it went pretty well.

CENSORED

Here is my column as it appeared yesterday in the Daily Free Press:

Sitting in your dull, drab dorm rooms sure can be depressing. White walls and ugly carpeting can drive you crazy if you're not careful. Studies show that if you don't enjoy your workspace and living space, then you'll be less productive and more unhappy. That's why it's imperative to feel at home in your dorm, and with a few quick and easy steps, you can make that happen. And I'm here to show you how.

First things first: the walls. If you're like me, the first thing you thought when you walked into your room was "that grimy off-white has got to go." Now painting your walls is against housing regulations. That's why I suggest moving all your furniture into the room a few inches and surrounding your room with bricks. Bricks and mortar are surprisingly inexpensive and give your room a real unique flair. With just a few days of labor, you can have a beautiful brick façade that will be the envy of all your floor mates.

So now you have a great brick wall, but what's to be done about it? Everyone has posters (and besides, it will be difficult to attach them to solid bricks without causing a potentially catastrophic collapse). You want to be different, and I know just how. Vines! Like old Wrigley Field in Chicago, some ivy crawling up the walls of your room will be beautiful and will help you keep in touch with nature right in the middle of the bustling city. And when they reach the ceiling and continue to stretch out above your head and eventually droop down, your room will be transformed into a real-life jungle.

"But vines need water," I hear you saying. Well what else are those sprinklers in your room for? By creating a "controlled burn" directly below your fire alarm, you will be able to start your convenient in-room sprinkler system while rarely triggering a full-building evacuation. The artificial rainfall will bring your vines the nourishment they need to flourish in that location for years (and they probably will - your vines will be almost impossible to kill once they have taken root in the cracks in the wall and the floor). One word to the wise: try to aim your controlled burn away from dried stalks or leaves as the situation could quickly escalate beyond your control.

So now your walls are looking their best, but what about those windows? Assuming all light hasn't been blocked out by your bricks or overgrown plants, something needs to be done about these as well. When I arrived at school, my shades couldn't be moved, the screens did not completely block off the windows and the glass itself was warped and dirty. So I just took the windows and the surrounding wall out completely. With only a hammer, a chainsaw and a solid afternoon's work, I transformed my old windows into a beautiful veranda. I even nailed a large piece of plywood to the floor jutting out into the street for my own back porch that's perfect for outdoor barbeques (though putting more than 20 pounds of pressure on your back porch is generally not recommended). Sure, it gets a bit chilly when wind and precipitation is blowing in through the unobstructed hole in your wall, but that's part of life here in New England. You've got the backdrop to the perfect room, so now what? Well you need furniture, of course. The boring desks, uncomfortable chairs and ugly bed frames just won't do it. No dorm is complete without a proper futon, couch or television. But we're all in college and funds can be tight, so what is one to do? Nothing can get you good stuff faster, cheaper and quicker than good old-fashioned fraud. Buy a P.O. box, get a new phone and put up ads selling yourself as a low-cost moving company. All you have to do now is rent a U-Haul and wait for the calls to start pouring in. When you get a customer, simply take his belongings to your dorm (and the stuff you don't want to the dump). Then, change your name to avoid detection and do it all over again. If you run into the sucker on the street, hit him in the head with a blunt object to give him amnesia (there is a very specific place on the crown of the skull that will do the trick without hurting him more than is necessary). I furnished my entire room after only two jobs. So now you have an idiot's belongings. But you're not quite finished yet. Wash off everything you've just obtained - there are some dirty people out there. This is especially true if you've managed to swindle any clothes (you might want to run those for two cycles). But once you've finished with that, you're sure to have one of the most enviable dorms on campus, and all with just a little vision, some hard work and a felony or two.

I know what you're thinking. "Well that was OK. You built up some momentum there but kind of went nowhere with it." Well that's because the editor of the paper deemed my final two paragraphs unacceptable and made me rewrite. Here's how it should have ended. To find the furnishings you need, try to find a suicide. Before someone kills himself, he gives away all his worldly possessions and if you strike at just the right time, you can hit gold. To find one, try hanging around awful bars or look for people who are purchasing a revolver and a single bullet at the local gun shop. Be sure to play along with his excuses (“moving to Ottawa you say? I hear it’s nice up there”) but don’t forget to prod him along as you go (“well you’re not going to need that television in Ottawa”). If you keep pushing him and making him feel more and more desperate (if you have a weak one, throw in an insult to push him over the edge to clinch the sale), then you can make out like a bandit. So now you have a dead man’s belongings. But you’re not quite finished yet. It is imperative that you wash off everything you’ve just obtained to clean the stench of failure and desperation from your room. This is especially true if you’ve managed to swindle any of the man’s clothes (you might want to run those for two cycles). But once you’ve finished with that, you’re sure to have one of the most enviable dorms on campus. Hilarious! And based on a true story--Charles and Felix answered an Internet ad for a free futon and the guy ended up giving his loveseat, a computer, and his silverware to them as well. The only conclusion I can draw is that this guy killed himself. So it's funny and true, but apparently not "appropriate." Not that it's a big deal, but it's hard to not feel like

Some stats from my way cool Quizilla quiz

Owner:	shrimpsar
Type:	quiz
Rated:	Everyone
Created:	Thu Oct 27 22:00:05 2005
Last Changed:	Thu Oct 27 22:00:05 2005
Times Taken:	80 times
Times Picked:	0 times
Votes and Average:	given 3, average of 1 (out of 10)

Which SNL Cast Member are you?

Take my way cool Quizilla quiz to find out which SNL Cast Member you are.

You are David Spade

You're sarcastic and bitter, but people love having you around. Your take on the world may be a bit twisted, but it's also entertaining. Your routine might get old after a while, but for the most part, you're a blast to have around.

Two jokes that should have been in the monologue of tonight's BU Tonight (especially the second one)

Professors and advisors have told students not to be afraid of withdrawing from a class, even if it means they'll receive a W on their transcripts. Professors especially told their ugly students to withdraw.

Ted Kennedy has been urging health care providers to switch from paper records to electronic databases for information about their patients. The Senator also urged people to not get a ride from him unless they've passed an advanced swimming test.

List of ethnic slurs

Carrot Cruncher -- (U.K.) a rural uneducated person

The piteous life of Pac-Man

Is it strange that I spend a lot of time thinking about Pac-Man? Because I do and he makes me sad. He is unquestionably the ultimate loser of the video game world. He has no arms, no legs and only one function: to eat bland white pellets. Then as soon as he has consumed the hundreds of dots that were initially set in front of him, he has only a few seconds to enjoy the achievement before hundreds more take their place ad infinitum. There is no rest for Pac-Man. Only round after round of never-ending drudgery.

There is little for Pac-Man to look forward to at the end of the day. What does he have going for him in his life? A wife? Some wife - an almost identical circle with a bow. Besides, she's out there doing her own thing anyway. She probably doesn't have a lot of time for him. She has dots of her own to eat. Two people with miserable jobs do a pretty good job of making each other miserable. So what is there for him? An occasional piece of fruit and that's about it. Do cherries really provide enough incentive to get out of bed in the morning for another soul-crushingly boring day of eating for the amusement of others?

Pac-Man doesn't even have any cool powers that he can fall back on to keep himself amused. He can't fly or shoot fireballs out of his hands. And he can be killed by ghosts. Of all the dangers in the world, ghosts rank pretty low on the list. It is physically impossible for a ghost - a physical nonentity, after all - to do you any sort of harm. They are nothing more than disembodied spirits and as such can have no effect whatsoever on the physical world unless the person who sees them allows himself to be affected.

It is clear that Pac-Man is not really "killed" by any ghosts. Their power is all in his mind. So-called "power pellets" merely act as a kind of placebo, allowing Pac-Man to overcome his fear and confront the imagined peril head on and deal with it, at least temporarily. When the ghosts do catch him, he simply allows himself to be consumed by fear and probably perishes of a heart attack at the sight of them. Pac-Man is obviously consumed with a never-ending and all-encompassing terror from which there is no escape. His mind is a web of horror and anxiety.

He truly leads a tortured existence. Alas, even death provides no relief for Pac-Man. He is simply reincarnated until he runs out of "lives," and even then any callous teenager with a couple of quarters can wake him and start the nightmare all over again from the very beginning.

I used to think that Pac-Man must have a great inner strength to endure and that if I were him I'd probably hang myself, but then I realized it is probably impossible for a two-dimensional being with no arms and no legs and no neck to hang himself, or do much else for that matter.

Probably the only way he'd be able to kill himself is if somebody laid out some pills in a line so he could eat one after the other. But instead, Pac-Man can do nothing but be, as miserable as that must make him.

I doubt Pac-Man even receives any sympathy from his friends and colleagues in the video game world. It is easy to misunderstand him. To your average Bowser or Mario, it seems pretty easy for Pac-Man. While they're out there throwing barrels and battling giant turtles, Pac-Man is nothing but a little blob whose entire day consists of greedily gobbling blips in no real physical danger besides that which he inflicts upon himself. One could even call him piggish and gluttonous in the way he eats to excess. It would be easy to be disgusted with his lack of concern for his physical appearance or the opinions of others. They don't understand that he has not chosen this life.

Like all of us, Pac-Man was handed his lot and now must make the most of it. I admire Pac-Man like I admire few others. Who else has Pac-Man's perseverance? Who else stares hard, monotonous labor in the face every day and refuses to back down, even forgoing retirement? And who else, despite emotionally crippling personal demons, faces his tasks with such a sense of unquestioning duty? Pac-Man is one of a kind. While most of us simply go through the motions simply trying to make it to the weekend, Pac-Man puts his heart and soul into everything he does every day. If you asked me which historical figure I try to model myself after, I wouldn't choose Churchill or Lincoln or Jesus. Give me Pac-Man, that magnificent electronic working-class hero, any day.

Google Video: Like my new favorite thing EVER

I just found out that Google Video provides free hosting for digital video, so kiss that Angelfire site goodbye. Now, a search of "Shrimp Products" or my name will bring you to three of my proudest video moments (with more to come in the future). And hopefully, this will finally bring Scottywood the kind of Internet stardom he has always deserved.

Also, to get an idea of what I do in the few hours I spend not blogging hard, here's a sketch from the TV show I write for (that has never appeared on television because Boston University, one of the largest private universities in the country with one of the most acclaimed communications schools in the nation, does not have a working television station) called "The Joke." I even make a cameo appearance.

Who are you windpants1?

You might remember back in April when I used my no-longer secret screen name to fool Scottywood in a conversation wherein I asked him if he would be willing to accept money to give me Scottywood2k. Then, a mere two days later, one of my many fans did something similar and Scottywood thought it was me.

Well it happened again and this time Scottywood alerted me as it was happening. What follows are transcripts copied by me and Scottywood talking to the mysterious windpants1.

windpants1: yo
Scottywood2k: hey
windpants1: whats up
Scottywood2k: nm.......whose this? lol
windpants1: johnny
Scottywood2k: from? lol
windpants1: bristol
windpants1: i want to know if i could have your screenname
Scottywood2k: and why would ya want my screen name?
windpants1: beacause my name is scott wood
windpants1: i go by johnny tho thats my middle name
Scottywood2k: so why do you need my exact name.
windpants1: thats the name i wanted
windpants1: you could have my sn if you wanted
Scottywood2k: or are you sure your not just after a conversation to post on your Myspace?
Scottywood2k: bah, sorry, Blog*
windpants1: yea ok thats it
Scottywood2k: first of I'd wanna see proof your name is Scott Wood before I even considered it. Cause I know people called Chris who would do this just for fun.
windpants1: what lol who would do this for fun
windpants1: who is this chris anyway
Scottywood2k: I'm sure you know
windpants1: it could have been my cousin chris wood
Scottywood2k: well show me some proof
windpants1: that sounds like something he'd do
windpants1: what do wanna see?
Scottywood2k: idk, what ya got that could prove it
windpants1: hmm
windpants1: you tell me
windpants1: what do you need to see
windpants1: would you take a bribe ?
Scottywood2k: how about a big no. Cause ain't gonna happen
windpants1: well why not
Scottywood2k: because I know this is a joke
windpants1: i was gonna offer you money
Scottywood2k: how much
windpants1: or how about a car
Scottywood2k: LOL
windpants1: im serious
Scottywood2k: what kind of car, lol
windpants1: a 98 cavalier
windpants1: its blue
Scottywood2k: lol, no thanks
windpants1: why its a pretty nice car
windpants1: you could take my sn too
windpants1: how could you pass up a deal like this
Scottywood2k: cause I know your bullshitting me. same shit ya pulled before Chris
Scottywood2k: woulda thought ya could be more creative
windpants1: i have no idea what you about
Scottywood2k: I'm not hard to fool, lol
windpants1: im not rying to fool anyone
windpants1: crative how
Scottywood2k: show me some proof, how about a scan of your drivers lincence?
windpants1: i actaully dont have one thats why i offered you the car
Scottywood2k: how about a scane of another photo ID?
windpants1: i could mail you a photocopy
Scottywood2k: ever been to Lake Compounce?
windpants1: whats that
Scottywood2k: you live in Bristol, CT, right?
windpants1: or where is the lake
windpants1: no bristol colorado
Scottywood2k: bah
windpants1: what ?
Scottywood2k: well what kind of proof can you show me right now?
windpants1: well nothing really i have no way of showwing it to you now
windpants1: i get the feeling you arent going to trade sns with me
Scottywood2k: why would I? a good probally thousand people know me on this sn
windpants1: lol a thousaund people ?
windpants1: can i see your buddy list
Scottywood2k: I maxed out my buddy list years ago
windpants1: i didn't kow that was possible
Scottywood2k: might not be anymore....use to be atleast
windpants1: how many people can you have ?
Scottywood2k: 280
Scottywood2k: thats how many I have
windpants1: id like to see that
Scottywood2k: how you gonna see it?
windpants1: put in on here
Scottywood2k: how?
windpants1: what are you stupid
Scottywood2k: yes
windpants1: i knew it
Scottywood2k: not my fault my IQ is less then most 2nd graders
windpants1: damn whats your IQ
Scottywood2k: 35
windpants1: isn't that about average for a mildly retarded person
Scottywood2k: idk, probally
windpants1: yeah sounds about right

At this point, Scottywood left me a message, thinking that I was behind the screen name.

Scottywood2k (2:56:07 PM): You or your freinds are at it again with the "I want your screen name" not very creative. Should atleast have some fake proof ready to make me believe.

Auto response from ShrimpSar (2:56:07 PM): TRUMAN
You’re right, Kurt Cobain. I should drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

ShrimpSar (2:57:29 PM): hahaha i have nothing to do with this one either
ShrimpSar (2:57:33 PM): what's the screen name?
Scottywood2k (2:59:06 PM): windpants1
ShrimpSar (2:59:26 PM): ah hahaha what an awesome name
Scottywood2k (2:59:30 PM): lol
Scottywood2k (3:00:03 PM): says he's from Bristol, CO and his name is Scott Wood
ShrimpSar (3:00:13 PM): haha that is so awesome
ShrimpSar (3:00:18 PM): save the conversation when you're don
Scottywood2k (3:00:22 PM): ok
Scottywood2k (3:00:26 PM): do you know who it is?
ShrimpSar (3:00:30 PM): no
ShrimpSar (3:00:36 PM): i'm gonna talk to them and see if they'll tell me
Scottywood2k (3:00:43 PM): k
ShrimpSar (3:00:57 PM): wait i have a better idea

And did I ever.

ShrimpSar (3:00:43 PM): hello
windpants1 (3:00:55 PM): uh hi
ShrimpSar (3:01:12 PM): this might sound kind of strange to you, but can i have your screen name?
ShrimpSar (3:01:15 PM): we could trade or something
windpants1 (3:01:33 PM): yeah sure
windpants1 (3:01:48 PM): im trying to get another 1 anyways
ShrimpSar (3:01:57 PM): oh great
windpants1 (3:02:02 PM): this guys being a pest though
ShrimpSar (3:02:23 PM): what's his screen name, maybe i could help since i want your name and all
windpants1 (3:02:39 PM): scottywood2k
ShrimpSar (3:02:49 PM): ok thanks
windpants1 (3:02:56 PM): yeah sure np
windpants1 (3:04:33 PM): hey who is this anyways
ShrimpSar (3:05:03 PM): well i don't think i know you
ShrimpSar (3:05:13 PM): i just wanted your name because my nickname is "windpants"
windpants1 (3:05:30 PM): your kidding
ShrimpSar (3:05:53 PM): no
ShrimpSar (3:05:56 PM): i wear windpants a lot
windpants1 (3:06:05 PM): oh really
ShrimpSar (3:06:08 PM): yeah
windpants1 (3:06:15 PM): thats kinda funny
ShrimpSar (3:06:43 PM): yeah they're comfortable

Meanwhile, windpants1 and Scottywood continued to negotiate.

Scottywood2k: so how much money to willing to offer me?
windpants1: well i was gonna give you the car but i guess i could sell it and give you the money
Scottywood2k: how mucha cavailer go for?
windpants1: i dunno 2500 bucks
Scottywood2k: and I also get your screen name?
windpants1: yeah
windpants1: thats a good deal right

Scottywood then brought our little game to the next level with an idea of his own.

Scottywood2k (3:04:38 PM): I gotta get on my other name and mess with him
ShrimpSar (3:04:48 PM): haha i'm gonna do that too
Scottywood2k (3:07:30 PM): just said I could have his name
ShrimpSar (3:07:52 PM): wait, tell him if he can convince "spiralkannberg" to give you his

I reported our new agreement to windpants1 (sort of).

ShrimpSar (3:07:31 PM): ok here's the deal
windpants1 (3:07:36 PM): ok
ShrimpSar (3:08:20 PM): he told me he'll give it to you if you can convince some guy named spiralkannberg to give him his
windpants1 (3:08:39 PM): whos that
ShrimpSar (3:08:39 PM): is that what he told you? he might be playing a joke on me or something
ShrimpSar (3:08:47 PM): i don't know, i guess he wants that name
windpants1 (3:08:48 PM): a joke
ShrimpSar (3:08:56 PM): could be, it sounds strange
windpants1 (3:09:12 PM): do you know this guy ?
ShrimpSar (3:09:41 PM): haha no i don't know any of these people
windpants1 (3:09:55 PM): wow this is really wierd
ShrimpSar (3:10:23 PM): yeah i know
ShrimpSar (3:11:21 PM): hey, do you know some guy ice 99? he just asked me for my name
ShrimpSar (3:11:23 PM): he says he knows scottywood
windpants1 (3:11:32 PM): oh really
ShrimpSar (3:11:51 PM): yeah
windpants1 (3:12:00 PM): wow small world
ShrimpSar (3:12:06 PM): haha

Poor windpants1 now became even more confused.

Scottywood2k: you should try and convince spiralkannberg to give you his.
windpants1: what why
windpants1: i want urs

At this point in the conversation, I was becoming a bit confused. I was even talking to myself with my two different screen names so I'd have things to copy and paste into other conversations. Still, the trick went on.

windpants1 (3:13:26 PM): i figured he was making it up
windpants1 (3:13:36 PM): he tried to tell me i did
ShrimpSar (3:13:51 PM): who, ice 99?
windpants1 (3:14:06 PM): no scottywood2k
windpants1 (3:14:11 PM): whos this ice99
ShrimpSar (3:14:23 PM): i don't know, some guy who asked for my screen name
ShrimpSar (3:14:27 PM): i thought you might be talking to him too
ShrimpSar (3:14:31 PM): spiralkannberg (3:14:11 PM): hey my name is boxley, do i know you?
ShrimpSar (3:14:36 PM): have you talked to this guy?
windpants1 (3:14:44 PM): no
windpants1 (3:15:08 PM): boxley?
ShrimpSar (3:15:15 PM): yeah, do you know anyone named boxley?
ShrimpSar (3:15:30 PM): there was a kid at my high school who was named boxley but he got hit by a train so i don't think it's him
windpants1 (3:16:54 PM): it sounds farmiliar

Scottywood's second name then made its first appearance.

Ice 99: hey
windpants1: uh hi
Ice 99: you know you have the funniest screen name ever and this may be werid, but can I have it?
windpants1: why do you find my screename funny ?
Ice 99: windpants......its just hilarious, sounds like someone just farted in there pants
windpants1: .
windpants1: who
Ice 99: huh?
windpants1: no windpants are those like swishy pants
Ice 99: no, reminds me of someone farting in there pants, creating wind, lol
windpants1: oh haha thats funny
windpants1: you do that often
Ice 99: so can I have the screen name?
Ice 99: ya, I do have a small flacuance problem
windpants1: a what ?
windpants1: well whats it worth to you
Ice 99: 99 cents?
windpants1: yeah sure what the hell
Ice 99: >:o
Ice 99: cool, whats the password?
windpants1: sickn25

Scottywood told me about this conversation and I figured this was the perfect opportunity for spiralkannberg to join the fray.

spiralkannberg: hey i'll buy your screen name for 50 cents
windpants1: well i just got an offer for 99 so ur gonna have to beat that
spiralkannberg: from who?
windpants1: this guy ice99
spiralkannberg: that's my fucking brother, man
spiralkannberg: don't sell it to him, he'll waste it
windpants1: lol what
windpants1: lol how do you waste a screename
spiralkannberg: he won't use it like i will
spiralkannberg: he probably won't use it at all, he'll just use it to bother me
windpants1: how would you use it
spiralkannberg: to speak to people mostly
windpants1: oh really
windpants1: its wierd like 3 people just asked if they could have it too
spiralkannberg: it's a pretty good name
windpants1: think so ?
spiralkannberg: yeah
spiralkannberg: i mean i want it of course, but i'd keep it if i were you
windpants1: one of those guys siad it was pretty stupid though
spiralkannberg: well he obviously doesn't know what he's talking about
windpants1: yeah i guess

windpants1 then relayed the news of his sale to ShrimpSar.

windpants1 (3:17:28 PM): hey i just sold this screenname for 99 cents
ShrimpSar (3:17:33 PM): what?
ShrimpSar (3:17:37 PM): i thought we had a deal
windpants1 (3:17:39 PM): yes
windpants1 (3:20:18 PM): im gonna give this kid a fake password
ShrimpSar (3:20:50 PM): oh ok haha cool
windpants1 (3:21:01 PM): yeah lol right

At about the same time...

Scottywood2k (3:19:57 PM): I think I got the password for it too
ShrimpSar (3:19:59 PM): by the way, ice 99 is spiralkannberg's brother
ShrimpSar (3:20:03 PM): haha no way
Scottywood2k (3:20:14 PM): ya
ShrimpSar (3:20:54 PM): windpants1 (3:20:18 PM): im gonna give this kid a fake password
Scottywood2k (3:24:01 PM): bastard

Ice 99 then harrassed windpants1 a little bit more.

Ice 99: hey, the password doesn't work!
windpants1: well i am still on it maybe 2 people cant be on at once
Ice 99: no, they can, I have done it
windpants1: maybe thats the wrong password then
windpants1: i have it set up so i dont have to put the password inm
Ice 99: or your trying to rip me off and gave me a fake password
windpants1: well i have a few different ones
windpants1: why would i try to rip u off for 99 cents though
Ice 99: idk?
windpants1: so i could get like one 4th of a gallon of gas or soemthing

The descent into madness continued.

spiralkannberg: do you know some guy named scottywood2k?
spiralkannberg: Scottywood2k (3:22:56 PM): eat me, windpants
windpants1: well i dont know him but im trying to get his screenname
spiralkannberg: i don't get it
spiralkannberg: oh why
windpants1: lol what
windpants1: because thats my name
windpants1: im scott wood
spiralkannberg: what's your middle name
windpants1: johnny
spiralkannberg: oh i figured it was yanni or young or something
spiralkannberg: scott y wood and all
spiralkannberg: yadier maybe
windpants1: oh lol no

And then finally, it was over.

Scottywood2k: why are you willing to pay over 2 grand for a simple screen name? Why not get Scottywood3k or Scottywood or Scottywood2000
windpants1: well niether of those are available and your the only one who responded to my im
Scottywood2k: how could Scottywood2000 be taken?
windpants1: i dunno but it is i tried it already
Scottywood2k: how do you test to see if names are avaiable?
windpants1: i didn't test i tried to get it
Scottywood2k: what about Scottywood3000?
windpants1: nah i tried that too
Scottywood2k: there is no way all those are taken
Scottywood2k: or Scottywood1
windpants1: i sware to god
Scottywood2k: ok gonna try now
windpants1: alright
Scottywood2k: Scottywood4 is avaiable
windpants1: how do you know
Scottywood2k: AIM has a thing that suggests names that are avaiable
Scottywood2k: so is Scottywood2
windpants1: wow no kidding people must have canceled there names
Scottywood2k: or you just never tried em
windpants1: maybe thats it
Scottywood2k: Scottywood3000 is open
windpants1: aww sweet ill just get one of those
windpants1 signed off at 3:29 P.M.

So I'm 90-95% sure that windpants1 is someone I know or someone who reads this blog anyway (and let's face it, that means someone I know and one of only a few people I know at that). winpants1, if you're out there, reveal yourself! The world needs to know.

Comments I never noticed that may have just been added to one of my oldest posts

NGW Post O' the Day made fun of an NGW post by some guy named Benjamin Williams.

Now, this:

Anonymous said...

who r u? where did u come from.....this is a question. I'm asking Benjamin.

Not that I know what that means, but its incoherence suggests it was written by someone from the NGW, perhaps Benjamin himself.

Oh, and also,

removal said...

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Great Moments in American History as reenacted by sock puppets (from BU Tonight)

CHRISTIAN
Midterms are coming, so we’d thought we’d help out. When people study, some people use mnemonic devices, others use songs or acronyms to help them remember things. We thought we’d help out by using one of our favorite techniques: using sock puppets to recreate dramatic moments in history. This week: when President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to end World War II.

PATTERSON
Mr. President, we need a decision. An invasion of Japan could cost us thousands of American lives. Japan will fight until the last man.

TRUMAN
Well, Mr. Secretary, my concern is—

PATTERSON
Damnit, Mr. President! We need a decision! Now!

TRUMAN
OK! I just need time to think!

PATTERSON exits, TRUMAN gazes contemplatively into the camera. A lone light shines down on truman… THE GHOST OF FDR enters.

GHOST OF FDR
Truman! Truman!

TRUMAN
Oh my God, Former President Franklin D. Roosevelt, I thought you were dead!

GHOST OF FDR
I am dead!

TRUMAN
You mean you’re a g-g-g-g-ghost?

GHOST OF FDR
Don’t worry, Harry. I’m here to help you.

TRUMAN
Wait, you can’t walk in Heaven either?

GHOST OF FDR
Yeah, I know. I was pretty pissed about that too. But that’s not the important thing. I know you think you’re at an impasse and you need to unleash the atomic bomb, but I’ve been working on it, and simultaneous amphibious assaults on Tokyo, Kyoto, Nagasaki, and Kobe will stretch the Japanese military to the breaking point and we can take the country in a matter of weeks. (Pause) Is there a bathroom around here?

GHOST OF BUCHANAN
Wait! Truuuuman!

TRUMAN
Who are you?

BUCHANAN
I’m the ghost of the fifteenth President of these United States, James Buchanan. Hey, FDR.

FDR
What’s up, Buchanan.

TRUMAN
What should I do, President Buchanan.

BUCHANAN
I think if we just talk to the Japanese, we can come to some sort of agreement. Senator Calhoun and I have been working on a Graaaaand Compromise that will keep the Union together and—

TRUMAN
Wait a minute. Didn’t the Union dissolve under your inept leadership?

BUCHANAN
Well that’s debatable, but—


CHESTER ARTHUR
Truuuuuuuuman….

TRUMAN
Who are you?

ARTHUR
I’m Chester A. Arthur, the 21st president of the United Staaaaaaaates of America….

TRUMAN
(pauses)
Really?

ARTHUR
Yes….yes, really…between 1881 and 1885

TRUMAN
(pauses)
Really?

(Buchanan starts to laugh)

ARTHUR
Hey…I’m more of a president than you Buchanan. Hey…hey…try this out. All those who presided over an administration that didn’t lead to the demise of the US political landscape, raise your hand…..Ahhhh, Buchanan, put your hand down..

TRUMAN
What should I do Arthur? How can I stop the war with Japan.

ARTHUR
You can defeat the Japs by growing a thick mustache…..


TRUMAN
How would that help?

ARTHUR
Well….it couldn’t hurt.


GHOST OF KURT COBAIN
Truman!

TRUMAN
Ghost of ‘90s alternative music icon Kurt Cobain?

COBAIN
That’s right, Truman! I’m here to tell you that you need to stay true to yourself and the music, man. Don’t let these advisors change who you are.

TRUMAN
But Kurt, I don’t know if the atomic bomb is the right thing to do.

COBAIN
Look….There were times when Dave Grohl tried to convince me to change my songs, but I stayed true to myself, and I never regretted it. Well, until I overdosed and then shot myself. (Pause) Does anyone have any ludes?

FDR
I might have some painkillers.

TRUMAN
You’re right, Kurt Cobain. I should drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

KOBAIN
Anyone wanna’ jam?

BUCHANAN
I play the harpsichord.

PATTERSON enters, the other ghosts dissolve.

PATTERSON
Mr. President, have you reached a decision?

TRUMAN
Yes, Secretary Patterson. Let’s drop the bomb.

“Smells Like Teen Spirit” plays as Truman gazes into the camera decisively. The GHOSTS appear and begin moshing. A cardboard mushroom cloud fades in as the song becomes louder.

What Bugs Bunny is saying in a "CJ for Warren Towers RHA Treasurer" poster

Eh. CJ ain't no Bunny, but he sure is good with Money!

A brain scientist on her ex-husband in Richard Powers' novel "Galatea 2.2"

"People have been wonderful. Harold. Ram. The others. It's work that saves you, finally. I keep thinking I'll find something in the hippocampus that will explain the man."

It's a funny story, that

One morning, I woke up and it seemed like everything was different. People I could only vaguely remember kept dropping in and wishing me well. All I could do was thank them and sort of smile. They seemed to think everything a lot more significant than I did. And it seemed like they had all changed. Like they had grown older overnight, but not just that. They wore odd clothes and shoes. They spoke in weird phrases and used words I had never heard before. One morning when I was talking to Will’s grandson (which I found strange because I could have sworn Will was just a child, not a grandfather and dead), the topic turned to politics. I expressed my outrage at President Harding’s conduct in the Teapot Dome scandal; that little tyke told me that President Harding had died in office and that had been eighty-two years ago. Turns out, I had been in a coma for some eighty-three years. Well I’ll be! A real-life coma! I was a bit depressed to hear that my old Ford Model R had been junked some seventy-plus years past, but that’s the way it goes, I guess.