What do you mean the camcorder wasn't working?

(I'm riding this theme as far as it will take me)

My God! Wow! Did you see that? That was unbelievable! Honey, honey, did you see that? Wow, I can't believe I just did that! You taped it, right? I can't wait to get back home to watch that one. Wait, what? What do you mean the camcorder wasn't working?

For the love of God, Lindsey! You're telling me you missed it? What the fuck were you doing? You were standing right there the whole time with the camera at your eye. I saw you! Did you just want to see what it would have looked like if you had theoretically recorded me wrestling with that alligator?

"Low Batt?" Are you kidding me? Low freaking Batt? You must be joking. "Low Batt" just means you can still take movies, but it might cut out. For the love of Jesus, Lindsey, what were you saving the battery for? What were you saying to yourself? I mean, what the fuck was going through your mind? "Wow, look at him pin that alligator to the ground. That's pretty great, but I'd better save the battery in case that polar bear eats another fucking fish!" Wouldn't want to miss that, would you Lindsey?

No, I will not stop cursing! I'm making a scene? Oh, I'm making a scene, am I? Well I'm going to have to disagree with you. I think I made the scene when I pryed our three month old first born out of the jaws of that alligator while you stood there holding a pointless fucking camcorder to your eye!

Out of tape? Out of tape? Well Christ, Lindsey, make up your mind. Pick one bullshit excuse and run with it, alright? Well look at that, it is out of tape. Isn't that something. You know, maybe you should have thought of the tape when you decided the fucking penguins were worthy of enough footage to cut into a major fucking motion picture!

Yes, Lindsey, it was that important. It's not everyday an alligator crawls out of his little swamp and grabs your baby. It's not everyday you rip open an alligator's mouth and stick your arm between his serrated teeth to grab your son from the jaws of death. It's not everyday you bean an alligator bloody, pin it down and proceed to pummel it to within an inch of its life. How many times have you done it? Because I've done it once. And it would have been nice to get it on fucking tape! Meanwhile, we come back tomorrow I guaran-damn-tee you the chimp will still be hanging from the tree. Yeah, thank the Lord we got that on tape.

By the way, when do you plan on watching this footage? Because I imagine I'd be playing the tape of me overpowering an alligator to everyone we know, many times. So I hope you'll play the footage of the tiger sleeping at least five times this week. That seems about right, doesn't it hun?

No no, Mr. Zookeeper. We're fine. I'm just having a discussion with my wife. My name? Well after today, maybe we ought to change it to Zapruder! That sound good to you sweetie? You know, I hear Zapruder saw someone with a gun on the grassy knoll but didn't get it on tape because he stopped by the Dallas Zoo this morning to tape some pandas eating bamboo!

Oh, I'm making the baby cry, am I Lindsey? Aw, that's a real shame! I wouldn't want to make the baby cry! Sure, I just saved its fucking life. Sure, if it weren't for me he would have been an alligator's lunch. Do you remember that Lindsey? When I put my life on the line to save our child and spilled that alligator's blood all over this fucking zoo with my bare hands? Well if you don't remember, we can go home and watch it on tape, can't we Lindsey?

Sorry won't cut it, Lindsey. Sorry just isn't enough. Sorry doesn't put alligators on tape. Sorry doesn't ensure the posterity of man's greatest triumph over the brutality of nature. Exaggerating? How many alligators have you wrestled today?

We're through, Lindsey. That's it. We're through. I can't wake up next to you every morning for the rest of my life, because I'm just going to think "there's the woman who missed the greatest moment of my life. There's the woman who stood by me during the greatest moment of my life and didn't press the fucking record button." Do you like that Lindsey? Is that how you want to be remembered? Well too bad.

Wait. Hey zookeeper. Bring the alligator out again. I can do it again. I did it before. Why can't I do it again? I won't tell anyone you let me. I promise. You will? Thank you! Thank you so much! Alright, Lindsey, maybe you should give the camcorder to someone else. Just give the baby to the alligator, 'kay hun?