Fundraising clarifications

My current fundraising drive is going better than expected. Really well. Like scary how well it's going.

Like wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-in-a-cold-sweat-having-nightmares-about-going-to-an-Ashlee-Simpson-concert well.

So I thought now would be a fine time to offer some clarifications. Before you get upset and accuse me of trying to "Jew out" of this as Steve did, let me remind you of what is at stake here.

I am offering to go to an Ashlee Simpson concert.

ASHLEE SIMPSON.

I listen to indie. I read Pitchfork. My favorite band of all time is Pavement.

Ashlee Simpson had a reality show on MTV and lip-synced on SNL, all while claiming she has credibility. She is evil.

So let's just keep that in mind, OK?

1) I want good seats. I need good seats to ensure maximum exposure for my homemade Garbasail. The most expensive seat is $38.50. I'd like that one, thank you.

2) I need the cash in advance. I'm not making a Garbasail and bringing it to an Ashlee Simpson concert on IOUs.

3) There are fees to order the tickets online. I am not paying a single cent to attend this concert. I am paying with my time and self-respect. The least you could do is reimburse me for the $8.40 convenience charge and $19.50 for a decent delivery job.

4) I need supplies to make a Garbasail. A thing of garbage bags and masking tape is what, $15?

5) Rioux owes me $10 and Mike owes me $5. Until their debts are repayed, any donations they make will not be added to the fundraising total.

6) I reserve the right to raise the fundraising bar at any point in the process. As Paul Anka would say, that's just the fucking way it is.

7) If I do not attend the concert, any and all funds will be returned to those who donated. However, if I do go, I will keep any extra money donated.

8) Upon receiving enough money to attend and have the proper Ashlee Simpson experience, I will wait one week before buying tickets to allow any true Ashlee Simpson fans or more motivated ironic purchasers to buy a ticket. I will, however, leave enough time for the tickets to be delivered.

That's all I can think of now. I reserve the right to add to this list at any time. And before you criticize me, remember, this is an ASHLEE SIMPSON CONCERT we're talking about here. Have some sympathy, for Christ's sake!

This fundraiser has taught me how much some of you truly despise me and wish me pain and unhappiness. Thanks a lot.