Saturday, January 28, 2006
Is that so/So bad
CHRISTIAN
How are you doing, Joe?
JOE
Eh.
CHRISTIAN
Yeah. Well I didn’t sleep well last night.
JOE
Is that so?
CHRISTIAN
Yeah. Yeah.
JOE
Sorry. I guess I just don’t care.
CHRISTIAN
What?
JOE
I don’t care how you slept, Christian. Well or otherwise.
CHRISTIAN
Well—I’m sorry. I won’t mention it again.
JOE
Thank you.
___________
CHRISTIAN
A new study shows that the literacy rates of college graduates are declining. We figured this was something we needed to research, so I took a camera and went out on the street to—
JOE
I’m going to murder you when you fall asleep, Christian.
CHRISTIAN
Jesus Christ, Joe, what did you say?
JOE
Oh. What? Nothing. Nothing.
CHRISTIAN
OK, well as I was saying—
JOE
That’s right, Christian. Nothing is afoot. Fall asleep in your little bed, confident that you’re safe and sound and that no one is watching, watching, waiting for just the perfect moment to strike and shatter your pretty little dreamland once and for all! No, Christian Lynch, you won’t live to see the morning. Not if I have anything to say about it! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
CHRISTIAN
Joe, what are you talking about?
JOE
Huh? Nothing. I didn’t say anything.
CHRISTIAN
Joe, I could hear you, you were making explicit threats against my life.
JOE
Nah.
CHRISTIAN
Yes, you were.
JOE
No thanks.
CHRISTIAN
Joe, you said you were going to kill me. Now are you going to do it when I’m sleeping like a coward?
CHRISTIAN pulls a revolver out of his desk.
CHRISTIAN
(con’t)
Or are we going to settle this like men?
JOE
What did you have in mind?
CHRISTIAN
Pistols at dawn. Ten paces.
JOE
Nah. Never mind. Forget I said anything.
CHRISTIAN
Are you sure?
JOE
Yes.
CHRISTIAN
All right. That’s much better. Well we’re short on time, so—
JOE
I am going to murder you so bad.
CHRISTIAN
Stop!
How are you doing, Joe?
JOE
Eh.
CHRISTIAN
Yeah. Well I didn’t sleep well last night.
JOE
Is that so?
CHRISTIAN
Yeah. Yeah.
JOE
Sorry. I guess I just don’t care.
CHRISTIAN
What?
JOE
I don’t care how you slept, Christian. Well or otherwise.
CHRISTIAN
Well—I’m sorry. I won’t mention it again.
JOE
Thank you.
___________
CHRISTIAN
A new study shows that the literacy rates of college graduates are declining. We figured this was something we needed to research, so I took a camera and went out on the street to—
JOE
I’m going to murder you when you fall asleep, Christian.
CHRISTIAN
Jesus Christ, Joe, what did you say?
JOE
Oh. What? Nothing. Nothing.
CHRISTIAN
OK, well as I was saying—
JOE
That’s right, Christian. Nothing is afoot. Fall asleep in your little bed, confident that you’re safe and sound and that no one is watching, watching, waiting for just the perfect moment to strike and shatter your pretty little dreamland once and for all! No, Christian Lynch, you won’t live to see the morning. Not if I have anything to say about it! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
CHRISTIAN
Joe, what are you talking about?
JOE
Huh? Nothing. I didn’t say anything.
CHRISTIAN
Joe, I could hear you, you were making explicit threats against my life.
JOE
Nah.
CHRISTIAN
Yes, you were.
JOE
No thanks.
CHRISTIAN
Joe, you said you were going to kill me. Now are you going to do it when I’m sleeping like a coward?
CHRISTIAN pulls a revolver out of his desk.
CHRISTIAN
(con’t)
Or are we going to settle this like men?
JOE
What did you have in mind?
CHRISTIAN
Pistols at dawn. Ten paces.
JOE
Nah. Never mind. Forget I said anything.
CHRISTIAN
Are you sure?
JOE
Yes.
CHRISTIAN
All right. That’s much better. Well we’re short on time, so—
JOE
I am going to murder you so bad.
CHRISTIAN
Stop!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Yeah OK so you're going to watch this
Background: I just saw a story on the news about a book about potty training with Sesame Street's Elmo that is supposed to say "Uh oh, who has to go?" But, basically, it doesn't.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
I cannot think of a single practical use for a shrink ray
FACT:
Every year, the government pours billions of dollars into scientific research. A lot of this goes to worthwhile endeavors like medical research, alternative fuel systems and new military technology. But don't put it past our wasteful pork-loving government to squander your tax money on foolish and useless projects.
FACT:
One of the fields that receives the most government funding is in the area of shrink ray research. Every year, millions upon millions of dollars are allocated to various firms earmarked for the development of shrink rays.
FACT:
Over fifty shrink ray prototypes have been created to date and none of them have a single practical use. Only three out of fifty-plus prototypes enable the user to control the degree of shrinkage, and even then, the largest size available would render the average human to the size of an ant. Shrinking inanimate objects are also out of the question, as prototypes either cause objects to light on fire, come to life and attack anything within sight or, perhaps most shockingly, grow.
FACT:
The CIA has been testing conventional and weaponized shrink rays on people for the past fifteen years. The results have been shocking. Most disturbing of all, shrink rays are impossible to control, shrinking everything within the Shrink Radius. This has resulted in the floorboards beneath the subject shrinking, causing the section of the floor with the newly shrunken subject to plummet to the floor below, resulting in fatality in 90% of government tests.
FACT:
Once shrunken, there is no way to regain your size besides drinking a lot of milk and eating a lot of meat. And even then, no subject has been able to grow any larger than a goldfish.
FACT:
YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
Write to your local representative and tell him/her that the danger and wastefulness of shrink rays is too great to ignore! Act today, before it's too late! Click here to find your local representative and send them a piece of your mind, as I did (click picture below to see a full-sized version).
Every year, the government pours billions of dollars into scientific research. A lot of this goes to worthwhile endeavors like medical research, alternative fuel systems and new military technology. But don't put it past our wasteful pork-loving government to squander your tax money on foolish and useless projects.
FACT:
One of the fields that receives the most government funding is in the area of shrink ray research. Every year, millions upon millions of dollars are allocated to various firms earmarked for the development of shrink rays.
FACT:
Over fifty shrink ray prototypes have been created to date and none of them have a single practical use. Only three out of fifty-plus prototypes enable the user to control the degree of shrinkage, and even then, the largest size available would render the average human to the size of an ant. Shrinking inanimate objects are also out of the question, as prototypes either cause objects to light on fire, come to life and attack anything within sight or, perhaps most shockingly, grow.
FACT:
The CIA has been testing conventional and weaponized shrink rays on people for the past fifteen years. The results have been shocking. Most disturbing of all, shrink rays are impossible to control, shrinking everything within the Shrink Radius. This has resulted in the floorboards beneath the subject shrinking, causing the section of the floor with the newly shrunken subject to plummet to the floor below, resulting in fatality in 90% of government tests.
FACT:
Once shrunken, there is no way to regain your size besides drinking a lot of milk and eating a lot of meat. And even then, no subject has been able to grow any larger than a goldfish.
FACT:
YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
Write to your local representative and tell him/her that the danger and wastefulness of shrink rays is too great to ignore! Act today, before it's too late! Click here to find your local representative and send them a piece of your mind, as I did (click picture below to see a full-sized version).
That'll do it
“I asked her if she gained weight.”
“That was clearly a mistake.”
“Yeah. I almost saved myself, though. I told her I meant like significance or importance.”
“Mmm. She didn’t buy that one, huh?”
“No, she bought it, actually. I’m a smooth talker.”
“So what went wrong?”
“I accidentally introduced her as Anna Fatrick instead of Anna Patrick.”
“Oh yeah. That’ll do it.”
“That was clearly a mistake.”
“Yeah. I almost saved myself, though. I told her I meant like significance or importance.”
“Mmm. She didn’t buy that one, huh?”
“No, she bought it, actually. I’m a smooth talker.”
“So what went wrong?”
“I accidentally introduced her as Anna Fatrick instead of Anna Patrick.”
“Oh yeah. That’ll do it.”
Sunday, January 22, 2006
He's very fast
(2 enters, panting. 1 looks up from a magazine to see 2 leaning against the door frame)
“Are you OK man?”
“Yeah. Yeah.”
“Well where is it?”
“I don’t have it?”
1 stands up, concerned.
“You don’t have it? Where is it?”
“Jason has it. He got away.”
“He got away?”
“Yeah. We were in the Friendly’s and he went into the bathroom so I followed him in, but I couldn’t because it had a lock and he locked the door, so I waited for him outside the door, and he came out and I threw him against the wall and tried to get his wallet because I figured it was in there, but he hit me in the stomach and just booked it.”
“So did you chase after him?”
“Yeah. Well yeah, but he was too fast.”
“Too fast?”
“Yeah.”
“He weighs three hundred pounds.”
“I know. He’s very fast.”
“What do you mean he’s very fast? He weighs three hundred pounds! He weights twice as much as you do! How could he possibly outrun you?”
“Hey, man, you think I feel good about this whole thing? I got outran by a three hundred pound man, I have that to live with for the rest of my life, so why don’t you just cut me some slack right now?”
“Because it’s absurd. There’s no way—was he wearing roller skates?”
“OK, now you’re just—”
“No, no, I’m just trying to understand this! Was he wearing jets on his feet or something?”
“Stop laughing!”
“Oh no, I’m not laughing. I’m not laughing because you had a fucking simple task and you couldn’t get it done and now we’re fucked. Do you understand me? Fucked.” There is a long pause. “Did he have a scooter?”
“All right, really, that’s enough.”
“Well how could a three hundred pound person possibly outrun you?”
“It’s all in the strides, man! My legs are short, he’s got long beefy legs, it was like watching someone do the triple jump in the Olympics.”
“Oh my God.”
“He’s like a T. Rex. He’s all legs, no arms, every stride was like three feet long. You can’t outrun a T. Rex, man.”
“He’s not a T. Rex, he’s a Brontosaurus! He’s a docile fat creature with a long neck and a tiny head that feeds on foliage. He can’t run!”
“Actually, it’s not Brontosaurus, it’s Apatosaurus now. They changed the name, something about the Latin meanings.”
—“I don’t care.”
“Are you OK man?”
“Yeah. Yeah.”
“Well where is it?”
“I don’t have it?”
1 stands up, concerned.
“You don’t have it? Where is it?”
“Jason has it. He got away.”
“He got away?”
“Yeah. We were in the Friendly’s and he went into the bathroom so I followed him in, but I couldn’t because it had a lock and he locked the door, so I waited for him outside the door, and he came out and I threw him against the wall and tried to get his wallet because I figured it was in there, but he hit me in the stomach and just booked it.”
“So did you chase after him?”
“Yeah. Well yeah, but he was too fast.”
“Too fast?”
“Yeah.”
“He weighs three hundred pounds.”
“I know. He’s very fast.”
“What do you mean he’s very fast? He weighs three hundred pounds! He weights twice as much as you do! How could he possibly outrun you?”
“Hey, man, you think I feel good about this whole thing? I got outran by a three hundred pound man, I have that to live with for the rest of my life, so why don’t you just cut me some slack right now?”
“Because it’s absurd. There’s no way—was he wearing roller skates?”
“OK, now you’re just—”
“No, no, I’m just trying to understand this! Was he wearing jets on his feet or something?”
“Stop laughing!”
“Oh no, I’m not laughing. I’m not laughing because you had a fucking simple task and you couldn’t get it done and now we’re fucked. Do you understand me? Fucked.” There is a long pause. “Did he have a scooter?”
“All right, really, that’s enough.”
“Well how could a three hundred pound person possibly outrun you?”
“It’s all in the strides, man! My legs are short, he’s got long beefy legs, it was like watching someone do the triple jump in the Olympics.”
“Oh my God.”
“He’s like a T. Rex. He’s all legs, no arms, every stride was like three feet long. You can’t outrun a T. Rex, man.”
“He’s not a T. Rex, he’s a Brontosaurus! He’s a docile fat creature with a long neck and a tiny head that feeds on foliage. He can’t run!”
“Actually, it’s not Brontosaurus, it’s Apatosaurus now. They changed the name, something about the Latin meanings.”
—“I don’t care.”
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