Apparently when I retitle and/or bump the other topic to the top, it messes up the link in my profile, so here's the link.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW:
Dec. 12 (that's tomorrow!)
9 P.M.
GSU Conference Auditorium (at the back of Ziskind Lounge)
Other hilarious people, including Free Press columnists Rob O'Reilley and Stephen Macone, Slow Kid Dan Klein and Free Press columnist/Slow Kid Arthur Meyer.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Reader Requests
[While Chris is taking some time off, Shrimp Products will be blogged by Future Chris Sartinsky.]
As all of you know, every once and a while I like to answer some of your questions. After all, it is Your Generous Donations that provide my salary.
Q: What's it like making millions upon millions of people laugh every day?
-Boxley Fryer, Tallahassee, FL
A: It's a feeling unlike any other. I feel I'm making a difference in the world. When the hits started pouring in and I started charging for the site back in 2008, I felt a change in me. No longer was I just some anonymous student with a hobby. Now, I was a hero to humor fans across the globe. And no matter how many luxurious mansions Your Generous Donations pay for, that feeling will always be the greatest reward.
Q: Whatever happened to your fellow Burlington bloggers Rioux, Dan, The Fork, and Scottywood?
-Xavier Duquense, Tempe, AZ
A: Tragic stories, those. Rioux followed in his father's footsteps and became a successful stock broker, but then followed in his biological father's footsteps and became a malodorous vagrant with a pickup truck filled with garbage. After college, Dan became a harmonica player in a well-respected band until he was hit by a comet after a concert one day. The Fork, turning down an opportunity to be one of the leaders in the field of whatever kind of physics he's involved in, pursued his dreams and ended up in some crappy Fourplay-esque band until he was stabbed by a sleep-walking concert-goer. Then, there's Scottywood, who was let on Tough Enough, but, unbeknownst to him, only as the comic relief. He died in his home from strain trying to lift a chair.
Q: Looking back, what would you say was the highlight of your career?
-Bob Nastonovich, Trenton, NJ
A: It's hard to say. The Academy Award was nice, as was the Pulitzer, the several Nobel prizes, and the Presidency. I guess if I had to choose just one thing, it would be that night I did stand up on Dec. 12, 2004. It all started to come together from there. Historic night, you should have been there.
Q: What's prison like?
-Jules Brentin Wolf, Tehran, Iran
A: Well, I'm getting used to it. Honestly, when I first got here, I was upset. As I'm sure all of you know (though, despite my massive worldwide celebrity, I still get hundreds of thousands of new visitors a day) I was imprisoned for breaking terms of a joint restraining order placed against me by Jared Fogle, the estate of Nick Nolte, and Namco, creators of Pac-Man. But with all the encouragment that pours in every day (I must be the only person on the Internet that doesn't get hate mail!), I am more and more convinced all the time that obsessing over two minor celebrities and a video game character was not just fun and games, it was my duty to my readers and to Americans everywhere. And when I get out in five years, you can be sure that I'll be right back on the Nolte, Fogle, and Pac-Man horses.
Keep those emails coming!
As all of you know, every once and a while I like to answer some of your questions. After all, it is Your Generous Donations that provide my salary.
Q: What's it like making millions upon millions of people laugh every day?
-Boxley Fryer, Tallahassee, FL
A: It's a feeling unlike any other. I feel I'm making a difference in the world. When the hits started pouring in and I started charging for the site back in 2008, I felt a change in me. No longer was I just some anonymous student with a hobby. Now, I was a hero to humor fans across the globe. And no matter how many luxurious mansions Your Generous Donations pay for, that feeling will always be the greatest reward.
Q: Whatever happened to your fellow Burlington bloggers Rioux, Dan, The Fork, and Scottywood?
-Xavier Duquense, Tempe, AZ
A: Tragic stories, those. Rioux followed in his father's footsteps and became a successful stock broker, but then followed in his biological father's footsteps and became a malodorous vagrant with a pickup truck filled with garbage. After college, Dan became a harmonica player in a well-respected band until he was hit by a comet after a concert one day. The Fork, turning down an opportunity to be one of the leaders in the field of whatever kind of physics he's involved in, pursued his dreams and ended up in some crappy Fourplay-esque band until he was stabbed by a sleep-walking concert-goer. Then, there's Scottywood, who was let on Tough Enough, but, unbeknownst to him, only as the comic relief. He died in his home from strain trying to lift a chair.
Q: Looking back, what would you say was the highlight of your career?
-Bob Nastonovich, Trenton, NJ
A: It's hard to say. The Academy Award was nice, as was the Pulitzer, the several Nobel prizes, and the Presidency. I guess if I had to choose just one thing, it would be that night I did stand up on Dec. 12, 2004. It all started to come together from there. Historic night, you should have been there.
Q: What's prison like?
-Jules Brentin Wolf, Tehran, Iran
A: Well, I'm getting used to it. Honestly, when I first got here, I was upset. As I'm sure all of you know (though, despite my massive worldwide celebrity, I still get hundreds of thousands of new visitors a day) I was imprisoned for breaking terms of a joint restraining order placed against me by Jared Fogle, the estate of Nick Nolte, and Namco, creators of Pac-Man. But with all the encouragment that pours in every day (I must be the only person on the Internet that doesn't get hate mail!), I am more and more convinced all the time that obsessing over two minor celebrities and a video game character was not just fun and games, it was my duty to my readers and to Americans everywhere. And when I get out in five years, you can be sure that I'll be right back on the Nolte, Fogle, and Pac-Man horses.
Keep those emails coming!
Friday, December 10, 2004
RIP Iggy
I don't think I've ever met anyone else quite like Iggy. And I doubt I ever will. Yes, the world is a lonlier place without Chris Rioux's biological father. But we are richer for having known him.
I remember the first time I met Iggy. I was at Chris's house and we were watching TV in his living room on a Saturday morning in spring. Suddenly, the door burst open. All the Riouxs were home and no one had knocked. In strode a short man with astounding girth, bushy white hair, a thick gray beard, and the odor of a dumpster behind any fast food restaurant. I thought that this Wolfman had broken into the house and was going to stab us all the rob the Rioux family of all their possessions. But it was just Iggy. Iggy was a longtime friend of the Rioux family, ever since he had conceived Chris in an illicit affair with Mary. I realized that I had nothing to fear when Chris sat motionless on the couch as I grabbed the largest, heaviest thing I could find with which to defend myself against this grizzled hobo.
I had nothing to worry about, of course. Iggy was, above all, a man of peace. Sure, he was dealt a tough hand in life. But he never complained. All he asked for was enough to get by, his garbage-filled pickup truck, and friendship.
I only saw Iggy once more before he passed away. He asked me, Chris, Justin, and Pat Manila to help him move an engine from the garage into his truck. He was worse for wear by then. To breathe, he had to use a tube jutting out of his throat. His waddle was more pronounced than the first time I saw him. His truck had fallen into disrepair, with garbage filling the whole of the passenger seat, without exaggeration, from the floor to the roof. There was literally a wall of garbage from the window to about where Iggy's ample frame rested when he drove. Though physically his body was giving up on him, he still had that blaze of humanity in his eyes. Iggy never stopped loving life. And I think that's what I'll remember about him long after I forget about how I thought he was going to cut my throat from ear to ear the first time I saw him.
Rest in peace, old friend.
I remember the first time I met Iggy. I was at Chris's house and we were watching TV in his living room on a Saturday morning in spring. Suddenly, the door burst open. All the Riouxs were home and no one had knocked. In strode a short man with astounding girth, bushy white hair, a thick gray beard, and the odor of a dumpster behind any fast food restaurant. I thought that this Wolfman had broken into the house and was going to stab us all the rob the Rioux family of all their possessions. But it was just Iggy. Iggy was a longtime friend of the Rioux family, ever since he had conceived Chris in an illicit affair with Mary. I realized that I had nothing to fear when Chris sat motionless on the couch as I grabbed the largest, heaviest thing I could find with which to defend myself against this grizzled hobo.
I had nothing to worry about, of course. Iggy was, above all, a man of peace. Sure, he was dealt a tough hand in life. But he never complained. All he asked for was enough to get by, his garbage-filled pickup truck, and friendship.
I only saw Iggy once more before he passed away. He asked me, Chris, Justin, and Pat Manila to help him move an engine from the garage into his truck. He was worse for wear by then. To breathe, he had to use a tube jutting out of his throat. His waddle was more pronounced than the first time I saw him. His truck had fallen into disrepair, with garbage filling the whole of the passenger seat, without exaggeration, from the floor to the roof. There was literally a wall of garbage from the window to about where Iggy's ample frame rested when he drove. Though physically his body was giving up on him, he still had that blaze of humanity in his eyes. Iggy never stopped loving life. And I think that's what I'll remember about him long after I forget about how I thought he was going to cut my throat from ear to ear the first time I saw him.
Rest in peace, old friend.
Notice
While taking time off to prepare for my stand up show (you are coming, aren't you?) as well as preparing for finals, I will hand over the reigns of this blog to Future Chris Sartinsky for a few days starting tomorrow. He will be blogging from the year 2015 and I'm confident I'm leaving the site in good hands. Good luck, future me!
Thursday, December 09, 2004
The Human Mind Under Stress
Point:
ME: I have to write a paper tonight.
TIM: Oh yeah? For what class.
ME: English.
TIM: Which English are you in?
ME: EN 220.
TIM: Oh, so you're an English major? I didn't know that.
ME: Yeah.
TIM: So you want to be a writer?
ME: Yeah, that would be great. Have it on my desk by ten.
TIM: (Slightly confused) Heh. Yeah...You can make a lot of money with just one book.
ME: (Slightly confused) Yeah.
TIM: Alright, man, I gotta go. See ya.
ME: Later.
VOICE 2: He said "you want to be a writer" not "you want me to write it," you idiot.
VOICE 1: Huh. That makes sense I guess.
Counter-Point:
Not having slept in around thirty hours, Felix still comes up with the brilliant idea of putting yogurt in a cup and drinking juice out of a bowl. It was as awesome as it sounds.
ME: I have to write a paper tonight.
TIM: Oh yeah? For what class.
ME: English.
TIM: Which English are you in?
ME: EN 220.
TIM: Oh, so you're an English major? I didn't know that.
ME: Yeah.
TIM: So you want to be a writer?
ME: Yeah, that would be great. Have it on my desk by ten.
TIM: (Slightly confused) Heh. Yeah...You can make a lot of money with just one book.
ME: (Slightly confused) Yeah.
TIM: Alright, man, I gotta go. See ya.
ME: Later.
VOICE 2: He said "you want to be a writer" not "you want me to write it," you idiot.
VOICE 1: Huh. That makes sense I guess.
Counter-Point:
Not having slept in around thirty hours, Felix still comes up with the brilliant idea of putting yogurt in a cup and drinking juice out of a bowl. It was as awesome as it sounds.
This New Year's Eve, just resolve to save Santa
I cannot think of a worse way for a child to find out that Santa isn't real than by hearing that multiple Santas got shot.-Arthur Meyer, who will be in the same stand up show as me which you should come see (as well as Friday's Slow Kids show which you should also go see).
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Online School That Gave Cat an MBA Is Sued
No, really.
Don't read the article. I did and I regret it; it really kind of ruins the mental picture you have right now. Just enjoy the headline.
Top Four Other Things That Tipped Investigators Off To Possible Inproprieties By The Aforementioned Online School
4. Honorary degrees given to Daffy Duck and Huckleberry Hound.
3. They boast of being the only college in the nation to offer degrees, low cost hair-replacement, and penis enlargers.
2. The board of trustees? Jared Fogle, Nick Nolte, and Pac-Man.
1. They gave a degree to a fucking cat. What more evidence do you people need?
Thanks to The Fork
Don't read the article. I did and I regret it; it really kind of ruins the mental picture you have right now. Just enjoy the headline.
Top Four Other Things That Tipped Investigators Off To Possible Inproprieties By The Aforementioned Online School
4. Honorary degrees given to Daffy Duck and Huckleberry Hound.
3. They boast of being the only college in the nation to offer degrees, low cost hair-replacement, and penis enlargers.
2. The board of trustees? Jared Fogle, Nick Nolte, and Pac-Man.
1. They gave a degree to a fucking cat. What more evidence do you people need?
Thanks to The Fork
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
HEY BOSTONTONIANS! SUPERIMPORTANT UPDATE 12-7
Come see me do stand up again on December 12th at 9 (NOT 8, 9) PM at the GSU Conference Auditorium.
Here's where the GSU is.
To get to the conference auditorium, go upstairs. Go into the Ziskind (or something with a Z) lounge. The floor isn't that big, just look around. If a line extending from the back your head is perpendicular to Comm Ave, then walk forwards and it'll be on your left. Walk to the back of the lounge from where the doors are and the Conference Auditorium is back there towards the left of the back wall.
I know what one or two of you are saying. "I came to your first show, and it wasn't even that good. Why should I'll come again?"
Well that's some attitude. But I'll tell you why anyway.
It's a free show (though there will be no free food to my knowledge, but dem's the breaks)
It's a stand up show. No more of that open mic stuff. No more creepy-bad poets or questionable acoustic guitar players. Just wall-to-wall hilarity!!!
There will be a bunch of people there who have been doing stand up for much longer than me and are better at it. Might be one or two who are worse too, but there will be some really funny people at this thing.
So come. It'll be fun! I'll be bumping this up to the top from time to time.
HERE COMES THE CLINCHER UPDATE: I will also be doing some new material. Some stuff you may have seen too but it won't just be the same thing.
A VERITABLE WEEKEND OF HILARITY UPDATE: Slow Children at Play, the sketch comedy group too funny for me, is performing at CGS Sleeper Auditorium at BU on December 10 at 8:00. It's $3, but I assume it will be worth it. And if it's not, well hey, it's not my fault. They rejected me, remember?
HOPE YOU HAVEN'T MADE PLANS UPDATE: As it now says above, the show is at 9, not 8 like I said earlier. Sunday, December 12 at 9:00 PM. Free. Funny. Come.
STATING THE OBVIOUS UPDATE: I know that "Bostontonians" is not correct. Like two people have told me this, but I already knew it. Thanks, though.
Here's where the GSU is.
To get to the conference auditorium, go upstairs. Go into the Ziskind (or something with a Z) lounge. The floor isn't that big, just look around. If a line extending from the back your head is perpendicular to Comm Ave, then walk forwards and it'll be on your left. Walk to the back of the lounge from where the doors are and the Conference Auditorium is back there towards the left of the back wall.
I know what one or two of you are saying. "I came to your first show, and it wasn't even that good. Why should I'll come again?"
Well that's some attitude. But I'll tell you why anyway.
It's a free show (though there will be no free food to my knowledge, but dem's the breaks)
It's a stand up show. No more of that open mic stuff. No more creepy-bad poets or questionable acoustic guitar players. Just wall-to-wall hilarity!!!
There will be a bunch of people there who have been doing stand up for much longer than me and are better at it. Might be one or two who are worse too, but there will be some really funny people at this thing.
So come. It'll be fun! I'll be bumping this up to the top from time to time.
HERE COMES THE CLINCHER UPDATE: I will also be doing some new material. Some stuff you may have seen too but it won't just be the same thing.
A VERITABLE WEEKEND OF HILARITY UPDATE: Slow Children at Play, the sketch comedy group too funny for me, is performing at CGS Sleeper Auditorium at BU on December 10 at 8:00. It's $3, but I assume it will be worth it. And if it's not, well hey, it's not my fault. They rejected me, remember?
HOPE YOU HAVEN'T MADE PLANS UPDATE: As it now says above, the show is at 9, not 8 like I said earlier. Sunday, December 12 at 9:00 PM. Free. Funny. Come.
STATING THE OBVIOUS UPDATE: I know that "Bostontonians" is not correct. Like two people have told me this, but I already knew it. Thanks, though.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Balderdash, Best of
“Unidentified Flying Oddball”
A spaceman and his robot are thrown back into Medieval times.
Dan
“Another Time Another Place”
An angst-ridden teenage boy wishes he could live any life other than his own, and learns a valuable lesson after waking up the next morning as the brutal Emperor Nero’s sex slave.
Me
“Unidentified Flying Oddball”
A wacky scientist stuns his small town by flying his modified desk chair into the World Trade Center.
Me
“Unidentified Flying Oddball”
A perverted old hermit discovers a genie in a bottle and is granted the gift of flight.
The Fork
“Another Time Another Place”
A spaceman and his robot are kept from being wed, so they decide to give it another go in Medieval times.
Dan
Sunday, December 05, 2004
I have too much junk as it is
...but I'm tempted...
OTHER RELEVANT SIMPSONS QUOTES:
(Bart runs off to find Milhouse to get his soul back)
HOMER: Bart! You didn't finish your Spaghetti and Moe balls!
HOMER'S BRAIN: Silence, you fool. It can be ours!
HOMER (eating Bart's spaghetti): Run, boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!
JIMBO: Way to breathe, no breath.
MARGE: An alligator with sunglasses? Well now I've seen everything!
MOE: Please take the basket off my head, kid, it's extremely hot.
BART: When Milhouse was leaving, did you notice if he was carrying a piece of paper?
EXTERMINATOR: Oh yeah. You don't forget a thing like that.
TODD: Ow, my freakin' ears!
GRANDMA VAN HOUTEN: A caller at this hour? You dial 9-1, and then when I tell you, dial 1 again.
HOBART, Ind. - A woman's effort to assuage her 6-year-old son's fears of his grandfather's ghost by selling it on eBay has drawn more than 34 bids with a top offer of $78.I don't have $78 but I do have some Alf Pogs. I'll ask her if she's interested in a trade.
OTHER RELEVANT SIMPSONS QUOTES:
(Bart runs off to find Milhouse to get his soul back)
HOMER: Bart! You didn't finish your Spaghetti and Moe balls!
HOMER'S BRAIN: Silence, you fool. It can be ours!
HOMER (eating Bart's spaghetti): Run, boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!
JIMBO: Way to breathe, no breath.
MARGE: An alligator with sunglasses? Well now I've seen everything!
MOE: Please take the basket off my head, kid, it's extremely hot.
BART: When Milhouse was leaving, did you notice if he was carrying a piece of paper?
EXTERMINATOR: Oh yeah. You don't forget a thing like that.
TODD: Ow, my freakin' ears!
GRANDMA VAN HOUTEN: A caller at this hour? You dial 9-1, and then when I tell you, dial 1 again.
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