That's for the birds!
Friday, January 14, 2005
Randy Moss on his fine
Randy Moss was fined $10,000 for pretending to take off his pants and moon the Packers crowd. Today, the NFL fined him $10,000. Here's his response when a reporter caught up to him as best as I can remember it.
REPORTER: Randy, have you written the check yet?
MOSS: When you're rich, you don't write checks.
REPORTER: So how do you pay for these thing?
MOSS: Straight cash, homey.
REPORTER: (Something)
MOSS: $10,000 ain't shit. That ain't nothing. Next time I might shake my dick.
Wow, that's beautiful.
In other sports news, if I read the little bar underneath SportsCenter right, Eric Barton was fined $7,500 for hitting Drew Brees in a move that changed a fourth down incomplete that would have clinched the game for the Jets into a first down that turned into a Chargers touchdown to send the game into overtime. So not only was Barton a rookie-kicker-missing-an-overtime-field-goal away from becoming the biggest moron in New York Jets history, he got fined for it. That's like Buckner getting fined for letting the ball go through his legs.
REPORTER: Randy, have you written the check yet?
MOSS: When you're rich, you don't write checks.
REPORTER: So how do you pay for these thing?
MOSS: Straight cash, homey.
REPORTER: (Something)
MOSS: $10,000 ain't shit. That ain't nothing. Next time I might shake my dick.
Wow, that's beautiful.
In other sports news, if I read the little bar underneath SportsCenter right, Eric Barton was fined $7,500 for hitting Drew Brees in a move that changed a fourth down incomplete that would have clinched the game for the Jets into a first down that turned into a Chargers touchdown to send the game into overtime. So not only was Barton a rookie-kicker-missing-an-overtime-field-goal away from becoming the biggest moron in New York Jets history, he got fined for it. That's like Buckner getting fined for letting the ball go through his legs.
The New Greatest Show In Television History
If you haven't watched Tilt, then you haven't truly lived.
When I saw the commercial for this show, I'll be honest. I sneered. "What a stupid show," I said to myself. Thank God Steve made me watch it, because I now feel as if I have been born anew. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the commercials ESPN has been playing nonstop, Tilt is a movie about a veteran poker player, played by Wayne Newton, who cheats and is being hunted down by a trio of young, hip, good-looking players (who, as anyone who has watched the World Series of Poker knows, do not exist in real life) as well as a rough tough detective of some sort played by Humpty Dumpty. Here are some highlights to the best of my recollection.
(Humpty Dumpty jumps a man walking to his car in a parking garage and absolutely beats the living crap out of him, and then puts a gun to his head)
HUMPTY DUMPTY: WHO CHANGED THE SCHEDULE FOR CLEARING THE TAPES?
MAN: Wha--
HUMPTY DUMPTY: WAS IT BOBO?!?
(A twelve year old girl is playing at the shadiest poker table in world history, featuring Wayne Newton, but it is a flashback, so Wayne Newton has a moustache to indicate his youth.)
12 YEAR OLD GIRL: I'll raise to $7,000 (throws $7,000 in bills on the table. What, you didn't have thousands and thousands of dollars at your disposal at age 12?)
OBSCENELY ITALIAN MAN: You've gotta call, Johnny. You can't get bluffed by a seven year old.
12 YEAR OLD GIRL: I'm 12.
OBSCENELY ITALIAN MAN: Ooo, 12.
JOHNNY GRACCIOLI: (also obscenely Italian) I'll call. I have a straight to the 9.
12 YEAR OLD GIRL: (revealing a better straight) You got the ass end.
(Johnny Graccioli grabs his money)
12 YEAR OLD GIRL: Hey, you owe me $7,000.
JOHNNY GRACCIOLI: Oh yeah? Well as they say on the playground, make me.
SOME GUY: Hey. If you don't pay, you'll never play here again. And by here, I mean this state.
JOHNNY GRACCIOLI: (looks around nervously, long pause) Hey, I was gonna pay. Come on! Johnny Graccioli always pays his debts.
SQUINTY GUY: I'll go all in.
GOBLIN IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT: I'll call.
SQUINTY GUY: Good call. I was hoping to run you over with that bet.
GOBLIN IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT: Well, you better have brought a monster truck.
(that's my new catch phrase by the way)
OBSCENELY COCKNEY GUY: (upset Squinty Guy picked up a straight on the river) You played it like you had the pair!
SQUINTY GUY: I played it like that because I have a pair.
OH SNAP!
When I saw the commercial for this show, I'll be honest. I sneered. "What a stupid show," I said to myself. Thank God Steve made me watch it, because I now feel as if I have been born anew. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the commercials ESPN has been playing nonstop, Tilt is a movie about a veteran poker player, played by Wayne Newton, who cheats and is being hunted down by a trio of young, hip, good-looking players (who, as anyone who has watched the World Series of Poker knows, do not exist in real life) as well as a rough tough detective of some sort played by Humpty Dumpty. Here are some highlights to the best of my recollection.
(Humpty Dumpty jumps a man walking to his car in a parking garage and absolutely beats the living crap out of him, and then puts a gun to his head)
HUMPTY DUMPTY: WHO CHANGED THE SCHEDULE FOR CLEARING THE TAPES?
MAN: Wha--
HUMPTY DUMPTY: WAS IT BOBO?!?
(A twelve year old girl is playing at the shadiest poker table in world history, featuring Wayne Newton, but it is a flashback, so Wayne Newton has a moustache to indicate his youth.)
12 YEAR OLD GIRL: I'll raise to $7,000 (throws $7,000 in bills on the table. What, you didn't have thousands and thousands of dollars at your disposal at age 12?)
OBSCENELY ITALIAN MAN: You've gotta call, Johnny. You can't get bluffed by a seven year old.
12 YEAR OLD GIRL: I'm 12.
OBSCENELY ITALIAN MAN: Ooo, 12.
JOHNNY GRACCIOLI: (also obscenely Italian) I'll call. I have a straight to the 9.
12 YEAR OLD GIRL: (revealing a better straight) You got the ass end.
(Johnny Graccioli grabs his money)
12 YEAR OLD GIRL: Hey, you owe me $7,000.
JOHNNY GRACCIOLI: Oh yeah? Well as they say on the playground, make me.
SOME GUY: Hey. If you don't pay, you'll never play here again. And by here, I mean this state.
JOHNNY GRACCIOLI: (looks around nervously, long pause) Hey, I was gonna pay. Come on! Johnny Graccioli always pays his debts.
SQUINTY GUY: I'll go all in.
GOBLIN IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT: I'll call.
SQUINTY GUY: Good call. I was hoping to run you over with that bet.
GOBLIN IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT: Well, you better have brought a monster truck.
(that's my new catch phrase by the way)
OBSCENELY COCKNEY GUY: (upset Squinty Guy picked up a straight on the river) You played it like you had the pair!
SQUINTY GUY: I played it like that because I have a pair.
OH SNAP!
Another way to think about the Monty Hall/baby-dobloon problem
Let's say you have 1000 doors/babies. One by one, Monty/the doctor eliminates door/baby after baby/door, leaving you with only your choice and one other door/baby. Should you switch?
Or let's say I tell you to guess my birthday. You say September 12th and I say it's either September 12th or December 9th. Should you switch?
Or let's say I tell you to guess my birthday. You say September 12th and I say it's either September 12th or December 9th. Should you switch?
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Brain Teaser
Let's say there is a gold dobloon nestled deep within the innards of one of three babies (one has blond hair, one has brown hair, and one has red hair). You've already eaten a large meal and don't have room for three whole babies, so you grab the baby with red hair, hold a knife over its stomach, and prepare to gut it and use only your face to gorge on the sweet intestines inside. A doctor walks in and reveals that you were right in assuming the blond haired baby had no dobloon inside but can't (or won't) say anything else. This was not the baby under the knife, but do you have a better chance of finding the dobloon if you switch babies, keep the same baby, or are chances 50-50 of finding the dobloon in either baby?
The answer: Chances are 2/3 that slicing open, gutting, and eating the brown haired baby will reveal the dobloon. No, really. For all kinds of mathematical analysis, search for the Monty Hall problem. It's actually a huge ongoing raging debate, but computer simulations reveal you will lose 2/3 of the time if you don't switch.
The answer: Chances are 2/3 that slicing open, gutting, and eating the brown haired baby will reveal the dobloon. No, really. For all kinds of mathematical analysis, search for the Monty Hall problem. It's actually a huge ongoing raging debate, but computer simulations reveal you will lose 2/3 of the time if you don't switch.
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