"Your brown hamster that's been missing for three weeks probably just got bit by a rat (that's why there's a chunk missing from his ear) and was so afraid that his hair turned white."
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Friday, February 04, 2005
Fundraising, pt. 2
Well my first fundraising drive didn't go so well, netting only $0 American and $500,000 NGW (with which I bought a zamboni and a ton of light switch covers). But I'm going to try it again for an even better reason.
On March 18, Ashlee Simpson is coming to the Orpheum Theatre in Boston!!!!!! Now my sense of irony can only take me so far; I'm not going to pay for this out of my own pocket. But if you, my omni-generous readership would be kind enough to send me enough money for the ticket (starting at $33.50), I WILL swallow my pride and attend this concert.
I will heckle.
I will throw things.
I will bring a Garbasail.
And then I will come back here and tell you all about it.
So open up those wallets, readers! Don't let this running gag fade away into the sunset along with "Searching for Scottywood" or the Jared Fogle biopic "235." Donate today!
On March 18, Ashlee Simpson is coming to the Orpheum Theatre in Boston!!!!!! Now my sense of irony can only take me so far; I'm not going to pay for this out of my own pocket. But if you, my omni-generous readership would be kind enough to send me enough money for the ticket (starting at $33.50), I WILL swallow my pride and attend this concert.
I will heckle.
I will throw things.
I will bring a Garbasail.
And then I will come back here and tell you all about it.
So open up those wallets, readers! Don't let this running gag fade away into the sunset along with "Searching for Scottywood" or the Jared Fogle biopic "235." Donate today!
I was turned away by the Boom Boom Room
Hi. My name is Chris S. and I was turned away by the Boom Boom Room.
I'm not proud of this, obviously. Who would be? In fact, being turned down by the Boom Boom Room was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life; right up there with the time I threw up behind the deli counter while making a sandwich. No, there's no comparison, actually. Being turned away by the Boom Boom Room was the single most embarrassing moment of my life by a hundred thousand miles.
Those of you who have never been to Burlington, CT will know exactly what my town is like when you hear this story. One week in senior year of high school, a couple kids wore shirts advertising something called the Boom Boom Room. I had never pinned either Jordan Tunn or Bryan Reynolds as the successful entrepreneur types, but they decided that they were going to turn the shed by one of their houses into a club complete with dim lighting, loud music, and alcohol for the low low price of $5. They advertised around school, handing out flyers and spreading the word. Of course my friends and I all thought this was the dumbest idea we had ever heard. We figured it was destined to turn into little more than Jordan and Bryan getting drunk in a dusty shed with the small number of their friends dumb and desperate enough to pay to get in.
On the grand opening of the Boom Boom Room, we had something planned in Bristol. I rode in the third car of a convoy with Dan driving and Kevin in the passenger seat. We were following Speedalari and Leadfoot Barko and lost them on the way to wherever we were going. Since none of us knew the way, the three of us were lost. We drove to Starbucks in Bristol where we thought they might be, but we had no luck.
Now we needed something to do. None of us had cell phones (and even if one of us did, I don't think anyone really had cell phones in those days). We decided that we'd drive back to the center of town and see if anyone was hanging around there. But on the way home, we were reminded of the Boom Boom Room and decided that this was something we needed to see. When we showed up at the place, we were shocked to see cars everywhere. This thing was a success! How could this be? People were actually flocking to this place to pay to get drunk in a shed outfitted with a couple of strobelights. There were cars crammed into the spacious front lawn and lined up and down both sides of the street. People were everywhere. We got out of the car, stunned, and decided we needed to see what was going on in there. We walked towards the shed hoping to peek in the window but didn't get more than a few yards up the driveway before Jordan walked out in front of us. He was wearing one of those pouches vendors wear at sporting events to collect his money.
JORDAN: Hey.
US: Hey.
JORDAN: Do I know you guys?
DAN: It's Dan Ridgeway, I'm in your French class.
JORDAN: Well I'm sorry, but I don't really know you guys and it's getting kind of crowded in there so I don't think I can let you in.
We had been turned away by the Boom Boom Room.
We were not allowed in the Boom Boom Room, because it was far too popular and successful to accommodate us.
WE HAD BEEN TURNED AWAY BY THE BOOM BOOM ROOM. THE BOOM BOOM ROOM.
We didn't say much walking back to the car. Shortly after we were on our way, one of us pointed out what had just happened. We had been turned away by the Boom Boom Room. It was the most humiliating moment of any of our lives and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
We pulled off of the street, still laughing. A little ways down the next road, we saw a police car headed in the opposite direction. "Oh man, do you think that's headed for the Boom Boom Room?" one of asked. We chattered excitedly and quickly decided that we needed to investigate. Dan pulled a hasty three-point turn and sped after the cruiser. When we got back to the Boom Boom Room, we saw a policeman chatting with an obviously flustered Jordan. The policeman was gesturing towards the shed and Jordan was looking back nervously and nodding emphatically. We turned around at the end of the street and passed Jordan and the policeman another three or four times, enjoying it more every time.
In the end, we weren't lucky enough to see Jordan or anyone else arrested. Apparently, the cop just gave them a warning about the noise. The only reason we are able to laugh about the incident and continue to live with ourselves to this day is because we feel we got our small measure of revenge driving past Jordan laughing several times as he was being grilled by a local policeman (I think we might have rolled the windows down too or flashed our lights or something). But in the end, this is little comfort. No matter how much we try and gloss over it or glory in our imagined vengeance, when we go to bed every night and stare at the ceiling in the silence, one sentence, undeniably and horribly true, hangs over our heads until we fall asleep.
We were turned away by the Boom Boom Room.
I'm not proud of this, obviously. Who would be? In fact, being turned down by the Boom Boom Room was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life; right up there with the time I threw up behind the deli counter while making a sandwich. No, there's no comparison, actually. Being turned away by the Boom Boom Room was the single most embarrassing moment of my life by a hundred thousand miles.
Those of you who have never been to Burlington, CT will know exactly what my town is like when you hear this story. One week in senior year of high school, a couple kids wore shirts advertising something called the Boom Boom Room. I had never pinned either Jordan Tunn or Bryan Reynolds as the successful entrepreneur types, but they decided that they were going to turn the shed by one of their houses into a club complete with dim lighting, loud music, and alcohol for the low low price of $5. They advertised around school, handing out flyers and spreading the word. Of course my friends and I all thought this was the dumbest idea we had ever heard. We figured it was destined to turn into little more than Jordan and Bryan getting drunk in a dusty shed with the small number of their friends dumb and desperate enough to pay to get in.
On the grand opening of the Boom Boom Room, we had something planned in Bristol. I rode in the third car of a convoy with Dan driving and Kevin in the passenger seat. We were following Speedalari and Leadfoot Barko and lost them on the way to wherever we were going. Since none of us knew the way, the three of us were lost. We drove to Starbucks in Bristol where we thought they might be, but we had no luck.
Now we needed something to do. None of us had cell phones (and even if one of us did, I don't think anyone really had cell phones in those days). We decided that we'd drive back to the center of town and see if anyone was hanging around there. But on the way home, we were reminded of the Boom Boom Room and decided that this was something we needed to see. When we showed up at the place, we were shocked to see cars everywhere. This thing was a success! How could this be? People were actually flocking to this place to pay to get drunk in a shed outfitted with a couple of strobelights. There were cars crammed into the spacious front lawn and lined up and down both sides of the street. People were everywhere. We got out of the car, stunned, and decided we needed to see what was going on in there. We walked towards the shed hoping to peek in the window but didn't get more than a few yards up the driveway before Jordan walked out in front of us. He was wearing one of those pouches vendors wear at sporting events to collect his money.
JORDAN: Hey.
US: Hey.
JORDAN: Do I know you guys?
DAN: It's Dan Ridgeway, I'm in your French class.
JORDAN: Well I'm sorry, but I don't really know you guys and it's getting kind of crowded in there so I don't think I can let you in.
We had been turned away by the Boom Boom Room.
We were not allowed in the Boom Boom Room, because it was far too popular and successful to accommodate us.
WE HAD BEEN TURNED AWAY BY THE BOOM BOOM ROOM. THE BOOM BOOM ROOM.
We didn't say much walking back to the car. Shortly after we were on our way, one of us pointed out what had just happened. We had been turned away by the Boom Boom Room. It was the most humiliating moment of any of our lives and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
We pulled off of the street, still laughing. A little ways down the next road, we saw a police car headed in the opposite direction. "Oh man, do you think that's headed for the Boom Boom Room?" one of asked. We chattered excitedly and quickly decided that we needed to investigate. Dan pulled a hasty three-point turn and sped after the cruiser. When we got back to the Boom Boom Room, we saw a policeman chatting with an obviously flustered Jordan. The policeman was gesturing towards the shed and Jordan was looking back nervously and nodding emphatically. We turned around at the end of the street and passed Jordan and the policeman another three or four times, enjoying it more every time.
In the end, we weren't lucky enough to see Jordan or anyone else arrested. Apparently, the cop just gave them a warning about the noise. The only reason we are able to laugh about the incident and continue to live with ourselves to this day is because we feel we got our small measure of revenge driving past Jordan laughing several times as he was being grilled by a local policeman (I think we might have rolled the windows down too or flashed our lights or something). But in the end, this is little comfort. No matter how much we try and gloss over it or glory in our imagined vengeance, when we go to bed every night and stare at the ceiling in the silence, one sentence, undeniably and horribly true, hangs over our heads until we fall asleep.
We were turned away by the Boom Boom Room.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
The quote, in approximately 18 pt font, above the top headline in today's Daily Free Press
"If it weren't for the facebook, I wouldn't have any friends."
--Shawn Wolfe, SMG Freshman
(alternate title for this post: why I will never ever ever join the facebook)
When the Free Press updates their web site, I'll post a link to the PDF of today's front page so you can see how prominently Shawn Wolfe's humiliation was displayed on the only independent newspaper on campus.
Inside the mind of: Shawn Wolfe, SMG Freshman
"If it weren't for my willingness to speak frankly with that reporter for the Daily Free Press, I'd still have friends."
AS PROMISED UPDATE: There you go, folks
GENIUS AND POSSIBLY CRUEL IDEA UPDATE: I'm going to need the rest of you to "friend" this guy on facebook and tease the hell out of him. Post any interactions you have with him on your own blogs or in these comments or just give them to me and I'll post them.
--Shawn Wolfe, SMG Freshman
(alternate title for this post: why I will never ever ever join the facebook)
When the Free Press updates their web site, I'll post a link to the PDF of today's front page so you can see how prominently Shawn Wolfe's humiliation was displayed on the only independent newspaper on campus.
Inside the mind of: Shawn Wolfe, SMG Freshman
"If it weren't for my willingness to speak frankly with that reporter for the Daily Free Press, I'd still have friends."
AS PROMISED UPDATE: There you go, folks
GENIUS AND POSSIBLY CRUEL IDEA UPDATE: I'm going to need the rest of you to "friend" this guy on facebook and tease the hell out of him. Post any interactions you have with him on your own blogs or in these comments or just give them to me and I'll post them.
A misogynist Swahili limerick translated into English
One two three.
Daddy eats shoes.
Mommy cries.
Children play.
One two three.
Daddy eats shoes.
Mommy cries.
Children play.
One two three.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Inside the mind of: the leader of the Mujahedeen Brigades
This is going to hurt our springtime fundraiser drive. I think we'd best keep it out of the brochure.
SHOCKING VIDEO UPDATE: A shocking video I dug up of an earlier Mujahedeen Brigade execution (right click->save as)
THOSE BASTARDS UPDATE: Something needs to be done
SHOCKING VIDEO UPDATE: A shocking video I dug up of an earlier Mujahedeen Brigade execution (right click->save as)
THOSE BASTARDS UPDATE: Something needs to be done
Best of Balderdash: Fucking Righteous edition
(Some date)
A dog trainer broke all dog training records by training 140 dogs on this day.
Real
Jan. 18th, 1955
A New Jersey man is arrested for animal cruelty after attempting to smoke tobacco from his cat’s mouth.
Rioux
MBC
Man Built Cave
???
May 27, 1991
Nirvana’s tour bus breaks down from a stick of pepperoni jammed in the exhaust pipe.
Dan
MBC
Me Butter Crazy!
Me
NEW VERSION UPDATE: Remembering something someone told me, I looked up Balderdash on Amazon and found this. Apparently it's the new version of the game. It's like Beyond Balderdash, but it's just called Balderdash and there are laws instead of dates. How would laws even work?
COMPLETELY UNRELATED UPDATE: Got a Google hit for Johnny Cash could kick Wayne Newton's ass.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
It used to be funny, but now it's getting ridiculous
I'm now getting almost daily hits for Google searches for some variation of the words Lori, Beth, Denberg, and fat. I'm #15 and #21 for Lori Beth Denberg fat, #10 for "Lori Beth Denberg" weight and all the way up at #3 for Lori Beth Denberg obesity. Pretty soon I'm going to have to change this site from "A hopefully mostly funny web page" to "The place to come for all the information you can handle about Lori Beth Denberg and her overwhelming girth."
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