500,000 points up for grabs

To anyone other than Mike who has ever known a "Marnie." Possibly spelled "Marny." I say Marnie/Marny is a made-up name that doesn't exist. Mike asserts that he is friends with one and at least five went to his high school. I say he's a dirty rotten liar. So what say you? Anyone?

My Productive Week:

Here's what I did this week.

Wrote two papers for a combined total of about 2782 words.
Read 14 poems.
Read 80 pages of Machiavelli, 84 pages of Locke, and 101 pages of Montesquieu for a combined total of 265 pages.
Did a bunch of stuff in Italian.

And I still updated my blog daily! And traffic still has been declining every day! What more do I have to do for you people? Give away cars?

Tune in next week for another paper, an Italian test, more mountains of reading, and more of my continued foolish, unappreciated dedication to you, my ever-dwindling readership.

UPDATE: Oh yeah, and I had to do a presentation on Machiavelli too. And I still updated daily!

Searching for Scottywood, pt. 2

The following is the second part in a series examining the results of doing a Google search for "Scottywood."

This week: The Official Web Site of Scottywood. Be sure to turn the volume all the way up so you can hear Scottywood's rock 'n roll MIDI theme music. Nothing says "X-Treme" like the tinny clicks of a MIDI guitar.

First up, there are Scottywood's stats. It seems his real name is Scott Woodson. Sorry to burst the bubbles of those of you who thought Scottywood was being creative with his name by stealing Hulk Hogan's nickname and replacing "Holl" with "Scott." Turns out he's even less original than you thought he was. Scottywood is just as creative in naming his special moves, calling them the Scottydriver, Scottybomb, and Scottyslam.

Scottywood's catch phrases, as you might imagine, are the very definition of tough. His main catch phrase is "Get ready to be Perfectly Destoryed by The Perfect One." Apparently, Scottywood's tactic is to erase any records of his opponents life (birth certificates, news articles, pictures, social security numbers, online wrestling belt records), thereby "destorying" him. Looks like this tactic has been ripped off by The Forgotten. I'm sure Scottywood's lawyers are working on that case right now. His other catch phrase, "Reality is only one match away," seems to me to be quite ironic, considering it's used by a fake wrestler in an virtual Internet wrestling league. But hey, maybe I just don't know what irony is.

His stats are all well and good, but the meat of the official page is in Scottywood's "Bioagraphy." Here, we get unprecedented insights into the life that led Scottywood into the world of virtual amateur professional wrestling.

Scottywood was born January 24th 1977 in the heart of New York City. His mother, father and older brother and himself lived in a 2 bedroom apartment on the 4th floor which was right next to Time Sqaure. [This is not to be confused with Times Square, of course. You can tell them apart because Time Square is the one with all the log cabins in it.] When Scott was young he played youth hockey for a near by team. Scott started out playing very well, he was one of the top scorers on his team. When Scott was in his second year of squirts he began to start playing rough. [That'll happen when you join a team as hardcore and X-Treme as the squirts.] That year he lead his in goal and pentaly minutes with 84 (alot for squirts). [Maybe it's just me, but if I'm writing a story about how tough I am, I'd try to avoid using the word "squirts" as much as possible.] He had also been thrown out twice for fighting. When Scott became a Peewee he compiled even more pentaly minutes with 125 and still lead his ream in goals with 33. [And let me tell you something. You think you can get it done in the squirt league? You've got to bring it to a whole 'nother level in the Peewee league.] In his 2nd year as a peewee Scott was as rough as ever and got 155 minutes and 35 goals. Most of his pentalys were for fighting and checking from behind and hardly ever had any wussy pentalies like hooking or tripping. [They don't play around in Peewees.] But that season something happened that changed his life forever. During his last game of the season Scott was checked from behind and there was no call. So Scotty chased the kid down and took a big two handed slash to the back of the kid. The kid fell to the ground and Scott dropped his gloves and wailing punches at him. The kids helmet came off and Scott started to punch him in the face. Finaly the refs pulled him off him and threw him off the ice. The ambulance arrived 3 minutes later and carried the kid off the ice on a strecther. His face was bleeding all over and he was crying like a baby. [All this from a kid who still can't lift a chair.] Too most people this would be disgusting and to do that to someone would make them feel horriable, but Scott didn't feel like that. Scott started to laugh at the kid when he was being taken out of the rink, Scott felt good about what he had done. After the kid was taken out the refs gave Scott a minor, major and game misconduct for instigating and fighting, major and a game misconduct for slashing, another game misconduct for telling the ref to f*** off and a match pentaly for injuring the player. [Those Peewees have mouth like little sailors!] The Match pentaly meant that Scott would be out for at least 30 days and would have to go to a hearing about the situation. At this meeting the officails decided to ban Scott from USA hockey for life cause his action left that kid in the hospital for 2 weeks.

After that Scott was very depressed and decided to watch TV, that night Scott fliped the channel and say WWF RAW is WAR. That night Scotty fell in love with wrestling. [Specifically, WWF wrestler The Rock, of whom Scottywood has a shirtless picture of on his wall. That's right. I went for the gay joke. What are you gonna do?] The next day Scott went online and did some reasearch and new that he wanted to become a professional wrestler. That day Scott asked his parents if he could go to a wrestling school in New York so he could learn how to be a professional wrestler. But unfourntaly his parents said no cause they didn't have the money for it but said that he could go if he came up with the money to pay for it. [Meanwhile, in the real world, Scottywood was so going to try out for Tough Enough, but his parents said they'd kick him out of the house.] So for the next 5 months Scott worked many jobs and saved every penny he earned. [How old are Peewee hockey players? What was he doing, assembling Nikes in Guatemala?] Finally the day came where he had enough money to go go to wrestling school. The first day he went to wrestling school was a day he would remember for the rest of his life. Scott was the youngest person there at the age of 16. His coach was David Backman, he had been teaching kids how to wrestle for 15 years. On his first day David realised that Scott had a lot of talent. Scott was taking down people 2 times his size, it was like he had been doing this for years. [Of course, wrestling is fake, so it was really the big guys who were taking themselves down. In actuality, Scottywood was unable to lift a chair, which oddly enough, was also twice his size.]

After 7 months of training Scott was ready for his first match. He was now 17 and had his first match 15 minutes away from Madison Sqaure Garden. Scott was all ready for his match and had 5 minutes before he had to go out there. He had his riped up jeans on and cut off tee-shirt on and was strecthing. [Hot. Yeah that's right. Two gay jokes in one post. So? I did the Ryan Butt joke thing, I don't know what you expect.] David walked up to him and ask him what name he was gonna use. Scott though for a minute and decied to to borrow part of his ideal Hollywood Hulk Hogan's name and combine it with his name Scott and he came up with Scottywood. [After the match, Scottywood's wallet was "borrowed" by someone who had been waiting for him outside the arena.] In his first ever match he faced a man called the Red Ranger. This man wore a ugly red body suit and red mask. Scott started the match off good but The Red Ranger took control. But about a minute into the match Scott came back with a DDT and took control. Scott got him up and for the first time ever Scottybombed his opponet and got the pinfall. [This could so be a movie. "From the makers of 'Hoosiers' and 'Rudy,' it's 'Scottybomb!!!'"]

For the next 2 years Scott competed in many more matches winning the feds Hardcore Title 5 times. Also during that time Scott added more finishers to his collection, The Scottydriver, ScottyDDT [That one doesn't quite roll off the tongue, does it?] and Scottyslam. Then the PWF (Psycotic Wrestling Federation) cloesed cause they had no money and bad bookers who misused talent like Scott. Then Scott went to the HWO for a short stini where he won the Hardcore Title 2 times and the European title 1 time. That fed too shut down. Then Scott went to the IWF and by now was 21 and a verteran. He quickly rose in the IWF but didn't seem to hve enough to rasie out of the Hardcore divison. It was here in the IWF that Scott meet a wrestler named Ice. He was a very talent wrestler who helped Scott out a lot so he could get out of the Hardcore divison. After a while there the fed shut down cause the owner didn't want to run it anymore. [aka "The owner got a life."]

Ice and Scott then came up with a idea to make their own fed. After 6 months of work and planing they had the start of a whole new era of wrestling. Also during those 6 months Scott went back to David Backman where Scott learned how to wrestle better and learned more techincal moves. On Januray 26th 2000 Scott and Ice opened the XWF (Xtreme Wrestling Federation). Within one month the XWF was booming and going great with big names like Revolution X, Triple H, The Hardy Boyz, The Denouncer, X-Rated and others. After X won the World Title he decided compition was too easy and left the XWF vacanting the World Title. This set up Scottywood vs. The Rock for the World Title. This was a hard fought match and at the end Scottywood came out victorious to win his first ever World Title. Scott's dream had finaly come true. [He was lying on top of The Rock. OH, YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D GO FOR GAY JOKE NUMBER THREE, DID YOU?] Scott almost cried [4] as the ref handed him the belt and he rose it into the air to the cheer of the fans. [For those of you keeping score at home, the letter x was used seven times in that paragraph. I don't think I've even used words with the letter x in them seven times in my life.]

The XWF then continued to do extremly well. Scottywood had many exciting matches like at Wrestlemania where RX's best friend Prime Time screwed over RX to join Scott and the Extremists. Scott also had a great match at Out Cold in Feburay where he drove a Zamboni off a loading dock and onto the car which Prime Time was in. [So wait, Scottywood was on Prime Time's team when he drove the Zamboni on top of him? Jeez.] for about 8 months the XWF did well and Scott won and lost many titles and matches. It was something in Octomber that almost destoryed the XWF. Angelfire closed down the XWF site. [Scottywood, the fourth wall! I don't think the WWF needs its web site to operate. Let me just say, though, those may be the funniest three sentences I've ever read in my life.] Most feds would have given up at this point and closed the fed. Well Scott and Ice were not like that. The two, with help from others rebuilt the site and made the website better then ever before.

Now the XWF is one year old with its Biggest PPV Out Cold behind them. At that PPV Scott debuted "The Perfect Match". Scottywood fought Alex Westly, The Magician and Shawn Micahaels in a bloody and painfull match. Scott had the match won many times but was broken up by others. The Magician ended dramaticly with Scott and Alex on fire [ooo] and HHH tuning on his best friend HBK. The Magician took advantage of this and pin HBK to win his first ever XWF World Title. [Could anyone follow that?] Scott didn't win this one but there is always another day. So for all that plan to get in his way of winning another XWF World Heavy Weight Title. Get Ready, to be Perfectly Destoryed by The Perfect One!

Overheard in social sciences class

"A sheep's tongue is not a society."

Comedy Classics: Despite lack of UN resolution, Mario vows to continue fighting the War on Koopas

From the last issue of last year's Pedestrian. No insightful commentary today. Just pure Mario-related goodness.

Despite his inability to push a resolution authorizing full-scale U.N. military action through the Security Council, Mario assured the world that he will “not stop fighting the war on Koopas until I am certain the world is safe from the scourge of King Bowser.”

Mario, leader of the people of Super Mario World (formerly known as the Mushroom Kingdom), has spent the past week in New York trying to convince members of the U.N. Security Council to pass the resolution originally presented by Super Mario World U.N. Ambassador Toad. He has hosted lunches with diplomats from key Security Council members whose vetoes would have killed the resolution, especially key opponents France, Russia, and China. Despite the efforts of several members of the Super Mario World government, Mario decided to withdraw the resolution and decided to continue the war on Koopas unilaterally.

“Unfortunately, there were several members of the Security Council who were unable to see the imminent threat that King Bowser and the Koopas present to the world. However, the people of Super Mario World stand united to ensure that this threat be eliminated.”

Mario has been fighting an on-again off-again battle with the Koopas since 1985 after King Bowser kidnapped his wife Princess “Peach” Toadstool. He has never gone into action without full approval from the United Nations before. He initially had no trouble gaining approval when the Princess was captured and held by Bowser. He first ran into difficulties with the Security Council in 1991. Unlike his previous quests when there was a clear need for immediate military action, Mario went to the Security Council saying that the U.N. needed to step in to free the denizens of Dino World, particularly the Yoshis, who Mario claimed had specifically asked for his
help. Mario and Luigi both made speeches to the General Assembly. They were ultimately given the green light, but not before being called “warmongers,” “imperialists,” and “greaseballs.”

This time, France, China, and Russia were unwilling to authorize military operation, saying that Bowser did not pose an “imminent threat.” Mario, Ambassador Toad, and Secretary of State Luigi all made pleas to the Security Council that they needed to “oust tyrants like Bowser before he has a chance to pose a threat to the world again.” Mario said he was distressed by “Bowser’s continual refusal to allow weapons inspectors to inspect his castles, where, according to intelligence reports, he is churning out Goombas, Shy-Guys, Bob-ombs, and Piranha Plants at alarming rates.”

Perhaps the most poignant moment in the campaign waged by Super Mario World came when Princess Peach addressed the General Assembly to relate to them her experiences in Bowser’s torture chambers. “I was chained to the wall for hours on end with only enough food and water to survive. Bowser would regularly come in to the chamber and have his way with me.” The Princess had to be helped out of the Assembly room sobbing uncontrollably. Despite this passionate plea, political pundits still doubted that the resolution had the support needed from the countries that possessed veto power in the Security Council.

Mario was joined by President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair at a conference aimed to drum up support for the war. Although Bush and Blair both said their countries would be unable to send troops to take out Bowser because of the situation in Iraq, they did pledge supplies to aid in the effort, including thousands of mushrooms, hundreds of fireball flowers, and coins. Mario will be joined by a few Spanish, Polish, and Italian troops, although he says that he will most likely take on Bowser with the help of only a few trusted friends, presumably Luigi, Yoshi, and Toad.

When asked if he felt confident that he could defeat Bowser again, Mario grinned, shrugged his shoulders, and said “It’s-a-me! Mario!”

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I don't know. In completely unrelated news, the Shrimp Products juggernaught has stomped on another competitor as Curly Sue announced that Curly Enterprises is done. If he's serious about his reasoning, then perhaps he should read this which I am currently looking into. Of course, I accept donations as well. Just mail me money. Thanks in advance.

A Family Story

OK, here’s the cast of characters.

I was probably about 16 at the time. There’s my younger cousin Richie, as he was known at the time. These days, he likes to be called Rick, but I usually end up calling him Ricky. He was probably 14 at the time. Then his girlfriend was also there, and my little sister Lisa who was probably 13, my cousin Jimmy, 12, his little sister Jennifer, 9 maybe, and Richie’s little brother Billy, who was probably 8 or 9.

(See, now this is what I love about blogs. If I were writing this for some creative writing class or a newspaper or some literary magazine or something, I probably would have had to introduce everyone prosaically. Likewise, I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to take a break to wax on about the medium in which I was writing. But anyway, I digress).

So we were all over at Ritchie’s house. It was Christmas vacation time and there were about six inches of snow on the ground from a blizzard earlier in the week. We were playing around outside; I think we were playing tag. At some point, the game devolved into a snowball fight, and a rather lopsided one at that with everyone going after a target smaller and weaker than they were.

After some time, Ritchie had Billy cornered against a fence in their backyard. Smelling blood, Jimmy and I moved in and surrounded him, ensuring he couldn’t escape whatever. Billy was sitting on the ground kicking wildly as Ritchie tried to jump on him. Ritchie caught his kick and grabbed onto Billy’s shoe. He ripped it off and threw it across the yard. Billy began kicking with the other foot and Ritchie did the same with his other shoe.

This did not make Billy happy. He was now running around in an absolute frenzy wearing only soaking wet socks in six inches of snow. He was so angry he didn’t know what to do. He stormed around the yard for a couple seconds before finally finding one of his shoes. His rage overcame his common sense, and instead of looking for his other shoe, he grabbed some snow, packed it tightly, and ran after Ritchie’s girlfriend. She cowered and Ritchie, being the gentleman he was, ran over, threw Billy to the ground, pulled his shoe back off as well as one of his socks, and threw them back across the yard again. Billy now stormed around with one sock and one bare foot demanding revenge.

Seeing his agitated state, we decided the best thing to do was to calm things down and let him have his way. He demanded we stand still so he could hit each of us with a snowball, execution style. We thought it was all over.

We went back inside and up to the attic where Ritchie and Billy had their bedrooms. We sat around watching TV in Ritchie’s room while Billy was sulking in his room. I looked in to see what he was doing and saw him stooped over something. He turned and revealed a slingshot, which he was loading with BBs. “Uh, Billy’s doing something with a slingshot,” I said.

Everyone panicked. The three girls rushed towards the staircase, which unfortunately for me, I happened to be standing directly in front of. They pushed me downstairs. I almost lost my balance. Collecting ourselves downstairs, we realized that Jimmy and Ritchie hadn’t made it down and I bolted back up into the attic.

Billy (tougher than your average 8-year-old, honestly, he could be quite intimidating) had thrown Ritchie to the ground right as I got to the top of the stairs. Jimmy cowered on a pile of dirty clothes in the corner. “Please don’t kill me! I’ll give you all my money!” Jimmy pleaded. Ritchie and I jumped on Billy and wrestled the slingshot out of his hands before he was able to do any damage.

Area man reminded no one can see or hear him

Area man Bart Wilson had to be reminded several times that no one could see or hear him during a vision Thursday evening. "Marcy! Wait! I made a mistake! Don't marry that scumbag! I'm the one you really love!" he cried. "She can't see or hear you, Bart," replied Bart's guardian angel for the fourth time in twenty minutes. "This is just a vision of how things could be. Remember? We've been over this." Wilson went on to yell at a bus driver for almost running him over and ask an oblivious policeman for directions.

------------------------

That would actually be a pretty good way to avoid someone you don't like. Just completely ignore them and act like they aren't there. Sit in their chair if you have to. Then hire some actor to follow them around and tell them "You're having a vision, no one can see or hear you."

Bums

I only give money to thin bums. If you're a bum and you're fat, the way I see it, you've got enough. There are greater needs out there. When winter comes, you're going to be nice and cozy under your layers of dirty flesh, and what about that poor wiry schizophrenic who thinks he's slaying dragons down the street? Come one, step aside. Do the right thing for your fellow bum.

It amazes me that there are fat bums in the first place. How can there even be fat bums? How is it possible for these people who live outside and whose income consists entirely of quarters from passing strangers be eating too much? Really, you live on the streets. You have no home. You can't find 15 minutes a day to jog around the block? What kind of work ethic is that?

I guess that's how these people become bums. If you don't have the work ethic to exercize once a day when you don't even have a house, nothing's going to lift you out of the gutter.

Celebration!!!

The popup blocker on my Google toolbar hit 2000 this morning.

WOO!

It is only fitting that my paper should be terrible

I am writing a paper on Petrarch and it's terrible. It has absolutely no structure. I'm answering the questions posed in the order they were listed in the topic and three pages in, I have realized that there is absolutely no way I can structure my paper that way. It's all over the place. I'm requoting passages to refer to different aspects of the same line, inserting things here or there with no real rhyme or reason. I'm pretty much just doing this off the cuff. I'm going to have to write the four to five pages and completely reorder everything I've written, which hopefully will just be a matter of cutting and pasting but more likely than not will involve some serious rewriting.

Unless I entitle it "Scattered Prose" and tell my professor that this was done intentionally to mimic the style of Petrarch. Then I can say "I hope this vague and wandering prose direct itself at last to the one, true, certain, and never-ending good." Think he'd buy it? I could have the first conceptual essay in college humanities history.

(By the way ten points to anyone who knows what in God's name I'm talking about and 1000 points to anyone who wants to fix my abhorrent essay)

Bush, bin Laden trade bodies for a day; gain renewed appreciation for one another

(This article may appear in The Pedestrian later this year if Bush wins reelection since there's only going to be one issue in the spring this year. So I'll have plenty of time to add more Bush jokes, write an ending, and discover some synonyms for the word "similar")

WASHINGTON--President Bush signed a historic and unexpected peace accord with Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden this morning after the two announced they had gained a renewed appreciation for one another after switching bodies for a day following simultaneous freak electrical storms in Washington and the Peshawar region of Pakistan on Friday.

President Bush was jogging down Pennsylvania Avenue Friday morning when he was struck by lightning from a passing electrical storm. Meanwhile, in Pakistan, as bin Laden was being shuffled from one safe house to the next, his dialysis machine was struck by lightning from a similar storm.

Secret Service agents noticed an immediate change in the President's demeanor. "He went down fast, but he got right back up again," said Timothy Nielsen, one of the Secret Service agents assigned to the President at the time. "He jumped up and shouted 'Why do I now inhabit the body of the Great Satan?' I remember thinking that was odd." Al Qaeda #2 Ayman al-Zawahiri who was with bin Laden at the time witnessed similarly strange behavior from bin Laden after he had been struck. He told reporters than bin Laden stood up and simply muttered a string of obscenities that would have made "Almighty Allah Himself blush."

In yesterday's press conference, bin Laden claimed that the freak accident had opened his eyes to the difficulties of being the leader of the free world. "I thought leading the Zionist Infidel Nation would be a breeze. After all, they live on the riches they earn by exploiting the blood of God-fearing Muslims everywhere. But all the meetings, the decisions, the Jews...did you know this guy gets up at 6 a.m.?"

President Bush reported a similar epiphany. "We must never forgive and we must never forget what these evildoers did to us. That said, it's not so easy living under the boot of American-Zionist imperialism."

Some advisors and people close to the President or the terrorists kingpin had suspicions that something was wrong. "I did question some of the things he did," said First Lady Laura Bush. "When I asked George if he liked my new outfit, I was surprised when he told me 'cover yourself, for your halotry is surely shameful in front of our God, Allahu Akbar.' It was certainly out of character." Prime Minister Ariel Sharon expressed similar sentiments. "When I called [the President] up to discuss the roadmap to peace, I didn't expect him to vow to push my people into the sea back to the hornèd beasts from whose loins we had sprung."

President Bush had similar problems getting into character. Al-Zawahiri told reporters that bush initially had trouble adjusting to life as a cave-dwelling Islamic radical. "You should have heard how he pronounced 'Allahu Akbar.' Our great leader had never before pronounced the name of our God with an f before." Al-Zawahiri told reporters that bin Laden's inner circle was also irritated by their leader's sudden mispronunciation of the word "nuclear."

It's Sew Easy

The name of a television show on HGTV.

Brilliant

Searching for Scottywood, pt. 1

The following is the first in a multi-part series of the results of searching for "Scottywood" on Google. So let's start with result number one: Scottywood mercindise.

(By the way, I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't "sic" these NGW articles. The reason for that is simply if I did, I think those keys would probably wear out and I need them to type my name)

For those of you who have a great idea for some fake wrestling mercindise, you can click right on the "Suggest Mercindise" link right next to the "Other Mercindise" one.

Item number 1001 is quite fetching, and it's a steal at only $19.99. I think I might pick one up. The front reads "We CaN Do THiS THe eaSY WaY..." in x-tra x-treme randomly capitalized Comic Sans font. The back finishes the sentence, reading "oR THe X-TReMe WaY!" featuring a picture of real life professional wrestler Raven who presumably looks like Scottywood (long haired professional wrestler vs. bald banana armed toothpick? Meh, close enough). Raven looks as if he is upset that someone is taking more than their fair share of candy out of his birthday pin~ata (pretend that squiggle is over the n), but I guess it's "X-TReMe" because he's got a little scab on his forehead.

I am also considering purchasing Item 1028, which is a Scottywood "The Perfect One" tee-shirt. Scottywood's perfectness is represented by a two-dimensional unproportional fat South Park ripoff who looks more like he's braindead than X-TReMe. He seems to be striking a philosophical pose, considering ultimate truth and the question of reality vs. illusion. That or his poorly-designed body makes it impossible for him to lower his arms past his shoulders.

I know what you're saying. "I have thousands of shirts. What I really need is a Scottywood yo-yo." Well look no further than Item 2012. I can only guess that the things were flying off the shelf so fast they couldn't take a picture of the real one, as the yo-yo picture looks about as authentic as a CBS document. To say it was "Photoshopped" would be generous. Who am I kidding, to say it was "pasted together by an angry rhino" would be generous.

Item 6013 is another must-have for any true Scottywood fan. I know it looks like just a pair of average sunglasses. But these aren't just any sunglasses. These are Scottywood replica sunglasses! Replicas of the sunglasses Scottywood really wears, which are apparently the first thing he picked off the rack at Wal-Mart.

I can't believe Item 6022 is only $4.99 considering the hours and hours of labor it must have taken to find a picture of real-life wrestler Raven and cut a rectangle out of it.

Did you know Scottywood wrote an autobiography? Who knew someone who can speak English about as well as a jellyfish could be such an accomplished writer?

I can't translate the descriptions of Items 9002, 9003, and 9007, so here they are in full.

9002: This is the piece of hockey stick Scotty uses on his oponets 1/5 with COA

9003: This is one of the hockey stciks Scottywood brings to the ring with him 1/50 with COA

9007: This Zamboni is the one that Scottywood drove off the loading dock onto a car that Prime Time was in. The Zamboni crushed the car and hurt Prime Time pretty good. This Zamboni is signed by Scottywood and Prime Time [Nice that Prime Time could be a good enough sport to sign the Zamboni that almost crushed him to death]. It also comes with a COA and the keys so you can drive it and clean ice with it [Ha!]. Only 1 is avaiable.

More Best of Balderdash!

Back already by popular request (I consider one to be "popular"), it's more of the Best of Balderdash!

“White Pongo”
Pongo, the son of a Nigerian freedom fighter, is born white. Consequently, he is eaten alive, but not all at once. He is big so it takes them like a week to finish him off. He’s alive the whole time.
Me

“White Pongo”
A man discovers several important self-truths after getting locked in a lingerie store.
Dan

October 24, 1992
A mail truck runs over a toddler, tips over, and explodes, yet the toddler survives.
Me

Reggie Coates
Painter who sued a restaurant after falling off a chair claiming that it cause him to lose his artistic talent.
Dan

“Take it or Leave it”
A young clown is presented with the choice of a full scholarship to clown college or a job in an accounting firm.
Greg

3 Strikes

This movie came up on the preview channel yesterday:

"3 Strikes: An ex-con tries to avoid a third conviction which would land him in jail for 25 years."

Is it just me or does that sound like a really boring movie? I mean, come on. Is it really that hard to avoid a third conviction? Just stay home! Stay out of trouble! What is this, an hour and a half of some guy sitting on the couch?

If he's truly trying to "avoid a third conviction," one would assume he's doing whatever he can to stay out of trouble. Is it really so hard to stay out of trouble? I've gone 18+ years without a single conviction, and it's been pretty easy. I haven't even been trying.

Maybe it just comes natural to me.