[Yes, BUTV10 is finally working, but you will never ever see this on TV. INSIDE JOKE AHOY!]
CHRISTIAN
We’ve decided that to foster a sense of togetherness across our network, we’re going to do some cross-programming with other shows on BUTV10. So tonight, we’re airing a report from a correspondent from BUTV’s newsmagazine show Insight: Boston. So we have a story on a little kitten living in Boston Commons. Let’s go to Maryanne Helmsley in Boston Commons. Maryanne?
CUT TO
MARYANNE in the park. She speaks into the microphone, but all we hear is incoherent screaming. She walks awkwardly towards the camera one step at a time, as if she is wearing high heels even though she is only wearing sneakers. She almost trips and throws her arm out wildly to one side to regain her balance, then takes more tentative steps towards the camera.
CUT TO
Stock footage of kittens playing, with the voice of MARYANNE still screaming incoherently over the footage.
CUT TO
MARYANNE interviewing someone in the park. She asks him something and he responds, but his voice is just the sound of a vacuum cleaner.
CUT TO
More stock footage of a kitten playing.
CUT TO
Suddenly, four seconds of blue screen and silence, then directly back to the kitten.
CUT TO
MARYANNE joylessly twirling and spinning an umbrella on top of a park bench, over her voice again.
CUT TO
MARYANNE interviewing someone else. Her voice is as before and when the person she is interviewing responds, his voice is the sound of heavy industrial machinery clanking and screeching. Maryanne says something else and her voice becomes the sound of a nuclear explosion.
CUT TO
MARYANNE speaking, her voice now a cacophony of all the horrible noises we’ve heard, stepping out of a giant top hat wearing a fake moustache.
CUT TO
CHRISTIAN at his desk.
CHRISTIAN
Uh, thank you, Maryanne. Well we have Maryanne here in the studio, why don’t you tell us—uh—did you have fun filing this report?
CUT TO
MARYANNE, now in a studio, speaking as before, her voice an incoherent howl.
CHRISTIAN
Thanks, we’ll be right back.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
A response from Congresswoman Nancy Johnson
Remember this shrink ray post from January? Yeah, me neither. Well I just checked my standard fake email address and saw that Rep. Johnson responded to my concerns about shrink ray technology as outlined in an email I sent to her as part of the post. Here's her response in full:
February 13, 2006
Mr. Boxley Fryer
14 Sawmill Rd
Burlington, CT 06013-1600
Dear Mr. Fryer:
Thank you for contacting me regarding the Deficit Reduction Act. I appreciate hearing your concerns about the budget package and welcome the opportunity to respond.
Connecticut families are expected to live within their means, and so must the federal government. Yet in the last four years, our federal budget has grown by 33 percent, representing the largest spending increase since the Cold War ended. The result is a federal deficit that topped $318 billion in 2005.
The terrorist attacks of 2001, increased border security, Hurricane Katrina, and the war in Iraq and Afghanistan all have contributed to this spending increase. Judicious tax cuts to spur investment and allow families to keep more of what they earn have strengthened the economy and returned revenues to their pre-9/11 level.
But our ballooning federal deficit threatens not only our financial health but our quality of life. Growth in spending must be slowed if we are to fulfill our obligations today and not pass on crushing, debilitating debt to our children and grandchildren. Taxpayers are asking if Congress has the resolve to make responsible choices with their tax dollars.
On Dec. 19, 2005, Congress passed, with my support, a responsible deficit reduction bill. It curbs spending by one-tenth of 1 percent of the entire federal budget over the next five years. It accomplishes this goal by ensuring Medicare and Medicaid provide the health care people need while eliminating overpayment and more effectively preventing fraud. The bill saves money for taxpayers by auctioning antiquated airwave frequencies, reducing farm subsidies and curbing the profits of financial institutions that provide government-guaranteed student loans.
Yet even these responsible measures are being vigorously opposed by special interests who consistently push for higher spending, regardless of its negative effects on the deficit, and wrongly claim needy Americans will be denied health care and higher education. I have listened carefully to many of these groups who have brought their concerns to me. I have deep respect for their concerns. I share their conviction that protecting our public safety-net programs to assure support for those in need is our responsibility. I simply disagree with their conclusions that the modest, responsible steps taken in December will harm ordinary Americans.
In fact, just the opposite is true. It makes key investments in Connecticut's priorities, including:
$3.7 billion in new college grant programs for low-income students, especially those studying math, science and engineering.
• $1 billion in new child-care funding to help working mothers regain their independence as part of a five-year reauthorization of the federal welfare program.
• $1 billion in new grants to improve emergency communications for first responders.
• $5.9 billion worth of college loan funds will go to help students, not boost lender profits, through lower student fees and higher borrowing limits.
• $1 billion in assistance to help low-income families pay winter heating bills.
The bill will also strengthen the state-federal Medicaid program, a critical health safety net for low-income families. The rising costs and inefficiency of the Medicaid program threatens to swamp state budgets and leave uninsured families without health care. The Medicaid reforms in the Deficit Reduction Act were proposed and unanimously endorsed by all 50 Democratic and Republican governors, as well as The Courant and The New York Times, because without them needy families and children will truly face a health care crisis.
An earlier version of the Deficit Reduction Act would have cut food stamps by $800 million and curtailed student loan programs. Additionally, it would have also opened the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil and gas exploration, threatening this pristine wilderness while doing nothing to bring down the cost of gasoline. I worked hard to rid the legislation of these onerous proposals.
The need to rein in spending and reduce the deficit is clear. Now, with the economy stable, new costs more predictable and the burden of entitlement growth clear, we must adopt reforms to help us back to a balanced budget both for our well-being and for our children's sake. The Deficit Reduction Act takes important yet modest steps to demonstrate our resolve to make responsible choices with taxpayers' hard-earned money. Thank you again for contacting me.
Very truly yours,
Nancy L. Johnson
Member of Congress
| From: nancy.johnson@housemail.house.gov | Mailed-By: housemail.house.gov |
To: boxleyfryer@gmail.com
Date: Feb 13, 2006 3:55 PM
Subject: A Message from Congresswoman Nancy Johnson
Reply | Reply to all | Forward | Print | Add sender to Contacts list | Delete this message | Report phishing | Show original | Message text garbled?
February 13, 2006
Mr. Boxley Fryer
14 Sawmill Rd
Burlington, CT 06013-1600
Dear Mr. Fryer:
Thank you for contacting me regarding the Deficit Reduction Act. I appreciate hearing your concerns about the budget package and welcome the opportunity to respond.
Connecticut families are expected to live within their means, and so must the federal government. Yet in the last four years, our federal budget has grown by 33 percent, representing the largest spending increase since the Cold War ended. The result is a federal deficit that topped $318 billion in 2005.
The terrorist attacks of 2001, increased border security, Hurricane Katrina, and the war in Iraq and Afghanistan all have contributed to this spending increase. Judicious tax cuts to spur investment and allow families to keep more of what they earn have strengthened the economy and returned revenues to their pre-9/11 level.
But our ballooning federal deficit threatens not only our financial health but our quality of life. Growth in spending must be slowed if we are to fulfill our obligations today and not pass on crushing, debilitating debt to our children and grandchildren. Taxpayers are asking if Congress has the resolve to make responsible choices with their tax dollars.
On Dec. 19, 2005, Congress passed, with my support, a responsible deficit reduction bill. It curbs spending by one-tenth of 1 percent of the entire federal budget over the next five years. It accomplishes this goal by ensuring Medicare and Medicaid provide the health care people need while eliminating overpayment and more effectively preventing fraud. The bill saves money for taxpayers by auctioning antiquated airwave frequencies, reducing farm subsidies and curbing the profits of financial institutions that provide government-guaranteed student loans.
Yet even these responsible measures are being vigorously opposed by special interests who consistently push for higher spending, regardless of its negative effects on the deficit, and wrongly claim needy Americans will be denied health care and higher education. I have listened carefully to many of these groups who have brought their concerns to me. I have deep respect for their concerns. I share their conviction that protecting our public safety-net programs to assure support for those in need is our responsibility. I simply disagree with their conclusions that the modest, responsible steps taken in December will harm ordinary Americans.
In fact, just the opposite is true. It makes key investments in Connecticut's priorities, including:
$3.7 billion in new college grant programs for low-income students, especially those studying math, science and engineering.
• $1 billion in new child-care funding to help working mothers regain their independence as part of a five-year reauthorization of the federal welfare program.
• $1 billion in new grants to improve emergency communications for first responders.
• $5.9 billion worth of college loan funds will go to help students, not boost lender profits, through lower student fees and higher borrowing limits.
• $1 billion in assistance to help low-income families pay winter heating bills.
The bill will also strengthen the state-federal Medicaid program, a critical health safety net for low-income families. The rising costs and inefficiency of the Medicaid program threatens to swamp state budgets and leave uninsured families without health care. The Medicaid reforms in the Deficit Reduction Act were proposed and unanimously endorsed by all 50 Democratic and Republican governors, as well as The Courant and The New York Times, because without them needy families and children will truly face a health care crisis.
An earlier version of the Deficit Reduction Act would have cut food stamps by $800 million and curtailed student loan programs. Additionally, it would have also opened the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil and gas exploration, threatening this pristine wilderness while doing nothing to bring down the cost of gasoline. I worked hard to rid the legislation of these onerous proposals.
The need to rein in spending and reduce the deficit is clear. Now, with the economy stable, new costs more predictable and the burden of entitlement growth clear, we must adopt reforms to help us back to a balanced budget both for our well-being and for our children's sake. The Deficit Reduction Act takes important yet modest steps to demonstrate our resolve to make responsible choices with taxpayers' hard-earned money. Thank you again for contacting me.
Very truly yours,
Nancy L. Johnson
Member of Congress
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
BUTV
Holy God, it's finally working. Check out the official site for a schedule and the BU Tonight home page.
Am currently watching a film about a girl who got eaten by a fish. This very instant, there is a girl screaming very loud. Oh. The fish just exploded. This is my new favorite channel.
(PS, BU Tonight is on at 10 and 12 tonight and while we're here, don't forget to come to Hillel House tomorrow night for standup comedy)
Am currently watching a film about a girl who got eaten by a fish. This very instant, there is a girl screaming very loud. Oh. The fish just exploded. This is my new favorite channel.
(PS, BU Tonight is on at 10 and 12 tonight and while we're here, don't forget to come to Hillel House tomorrow night for standup comedy)
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Kevin Costner to Oliver Stone upon first reading the line "We're through the looking glass here, people" in the "JFK" screenplay
The fuck does this mean. "Looking glass?" Those aren't--that's not a thing people use--or say. The fuck is--looking glass? I've never--I don't know what that is.
And through--the glass? Through it? How is that--are we talking ghosts through solid objects or just like--opening a window and walking--but like, again, looking glass, I don't--.
Is the glass looking? Through the looking glass? Through the glass which is looking? Like a personification thing or--did you mean looking glasses? Looking glasses? But still, through the glasses, I don't--
The through, I think it's the through that's throwing me mostly. Through--glass--but looking glass too, that's--did you mean--"we're looking through the glass here, people." Now that--that makes sense to me. Like we're here. Looking through glass. There's no movement, not going--through anything, but I'm still not clear why--why that was there at all. But like we're here. And the glass is there. Just--glass. And we're--looking through, at other people. "We're looking through the glass--at people, here--people." See that makes much more sense to me.
And through--the glass? Through it? How is that--are we talking ghosts through solid objects or just like--opening a window and walking--but like, again, looking glass, I don't--.
Is the glass looking? Through the looking glass? Through the glass which is looking? Like a personification thing or--did you mean looking glasses? Looking glasses? But still, through the glasses, I don't--
The through, I think it's the through that's throwing me mostly. Through--glass--but looking glass too, that's--did you mean--"we're looking through the glass here, people." Now that--that makes sense to me. Like we're here. Looking through glass. There's no movement, not going--through anything, but I'm still not clear why--why that was there at all. But like we're here. And the glass is there. Just--glass. And we're--looking through, at other people. "We're looking through the glass--at people, here--people." See that makes much more sense to me.
Friday, February 17, 2006
STAND UP
WHERE: Hillel House, 213 Bay State Road
WHEN: Thurs. Feb. 23, 8-9:30 PM
WHO ELSE: Myq Kaplan, Sol Azouz, Rob Turbovsky, possibly others
But Chris! I have a paper due the next day!
Oh, really? Perhaps you are in my contemporary American fiction class. Sit next to me next time. In the meantime, suck it up.
WHEN: Thurs. Feb. 23, 8-9:30 PM
WHO ELSE: Myq Kaplan, Sol Azouz, Rob Turbovsky, possibly others
But Chris! I have a paper due the next day!
Oh, really? Perhaps you are in my contemporary American fiction class. Sit next to me next time. In the meantime, suck it up.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
MY [SHOW] IS BETTER THAN YOUR [SHOW] WE'VE GOT MORE [JOKE]S THAN A [JOKE] CONVENTION SING IT
The long national nightmare is over*: BUTV (or Terriervision 10 or something) is launching*. If you are living on the BU campus, buy a TV, plug it into the cable jack in your wall and get ready for some student-produced television like you've never seen before.
Channel 10 on the BU cable system has gone through some huge changes since I came here two and a half years ago. Sure, now it's a static logo with a tantalizing "Coming soon..." promise, but it wasn't too long ago that the channel was a bouncing cow, an empty black screen and nonexistent because only one of the dorms had cable capabilities (yes, outsiders, most of BU really didn't have cable when I got here). But starting Feb. 22*, we will finally have some real, honest-to-God programming to show you*.
Like what, you ask?
BU Tonight, of course. What is BU Tonight, you ask? It's a late-night comedy show (in format at least; presumably the channel will not only air the show at night as it doesn't really have that much to work with) whose writing staff include little ol' me. For a taste of the show, look at these. Here, you've got a trailer for the show, a sketch from first semester about writing jokes that I had little if anything to do with and another sketch that host Christian and I wrote the bulk of while terribly bitter that an improv group we had opened for was doing so well (regular readers may remember an early version of the script from December). And somehow I got roped into acting in that one too, but what are you gonna do. Anyway, the video is bound to make you laugh and say to yourself "My God, he really is thin, you don't really notice it in real life, but it's all right there on video."
(And while perusing Google Video, now's as good a time as any to see all the other Shrimp Products video selections, and as of 11:00 on Feb. 15, 2006, Scottywood rapping still never gets old, and also I need a lot of help to vault Ridgeway in views; within a day of being up his videos were already completely dominating me to the point where I'm considering changing my descriptions to make people think they're going to watch a five-plus minute video of Pac-Man playing the harmonica)
So anyway, be on the lookout for BU Tonight and whatever the hell else this station's got cooking when it finally launches* on Feb. 23*.
*fingerscrossedknockonwoodohmygodithinkit'sforrealthistimebuti'vebeenthroughthisbeforebutohmygoditjusthastoberealthistimesoohpleaseohpleaseohplease
Channel 10 on the BU cable system has gone through some huge changes since I came here two and a half years ago. Sure, now it's a static logo with a tantalizing "Coming soon..." promise, but it wasn't too long ago that the channel was a bouncing cow, an empty black screen and nonexistent because only one of the dorms had cable capabilities (yes, outsiders, most of BU really didn't have cable when I got here). But starting Feb. 22*, we will finally have some real, honest-to-God programming to show you*.
Like what, you ask?
BU Tonight, of course. What is BU Tonight, you ask? It's a late-night comedy show (in format at least; presumably the channel will not only air the show at night as it doesn't really have that much to work with) whose writing staff include little ol' me. For a taste of the show, look at these. Here, you've got a trailer for the show, a sketch from first semester about writing jokes that I had little if anything to do with and another sketch that host Christian and I wrote the bulk of while terribly bitter that an improv group we had opened for was doing so well (regular readers may remember an early version of the script from December). And somehow I got roped into acting in that one too, but what are you gonna do. Anyway, the video is bound to make you laugh and say to yourself "My God, he really is thin, you don't really notice it in real life, but it's all right there on video."
(And while perusing Google Video, now's as good a time as any to see all the other Shrimp Products video selections, and as of 11:00 on Feb. 15, 2006, Scottywood rapping still never gets old, and also I need a lot of help to vault Ridgeway in views; within a day of being up his videos were already completely dominating me to the point where I'm considering changing my descriptions to make people think they're going to watch a five-plus minute video of Pac-Man playing the harmonica)
So anyway, be on the lookout for BU Tonight and whatever the hell else this station's got cooking when it finally launches* on Feb. 23*.
*fingerscrossedknockonwoodohmygodithinkit'sforrealthistimebuti'vebeenthroughthisbeforebutohmygoditjusthastoberealthistimesoohpleaseohpleaseohplease
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Concussed
“I think I might have a concussion.”
“Uh huh. And why do you think that?”
“Well I was juggling and I tripped and fell and smacked my head against the wall.”
“Uh huh.”
“And I didn’t think too much of it at the time, and I went to dinner and a few hours after that, I threw up. And I know that’s a sign of concussion, so right after that I called you.”
“Well that is a sign of concussion. Perhaps—”
“But the thing is I had some oysters for dinner.”
“Oysters, I’m not sure I—”
“Well they were pretty bad. They smelled terrible. So I don’t know if that’s why I threw up or—”
“I see. Well there are other ways to tell if you have had a concussion. Have you had any memory loss?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Or dizziness?”
“No. Although is it possible I was dizzy but just forgot on account of the memory loss caused by my concussion?”
“I suppose. Why don’t you come down to the clinic and we’ll check you out.”
“OK. Wait. I don’t know where your clinic is. Oh God. I forgot where the clinic is. I have a concussion.”
“Have you ever been to our clinic before?”
“I don’t know! Don’t you see? My whole world has been overturned! For all I know I could have already visited your clinic about my concussion! Maybe I didn’t even have a concussion and I simply forgot the fact that I didn’t have a concussion because—uh—”
“Sir, why don’t you just come down to the clinic. We’re on St. Mary’s Street right by the driving school.”
“OK. Thank you.”
“Uh huh. And why do you think that?”
“Well I was juggling and I tripped and fell and smacked my head against the wall.”
“Uh huh.”
“And I didn’t think too much of it at the time, and I went to dinner and a few hours after that, I threw up. And I know that’s a sign of concussion, so right after that I called you.”
“Well that is a sign of concussion. Perhaps—”
“But the thing is I had some oysters for dinner.”
“Oysters, I’m not sure I—”
“Well they were pretty bad. They smelled terrible. So I don’t know if that’s why I threw up or—”
“I see. Well there are other ways to tell if you have had a concussion. Have you had any memory loss?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Or dizziness?”
“No. Although is it possible I was dizzy but just forgot on account of the memory loss caused by my concussion?”
“I suppose. Why don’t you come down to the clinic and we’ll check you out.”
“OK. Wait. I don’t know where your clinic is. Oh God. I forgot where the clinic is. I have a concussion.”
“Have you ever been to our clinic before?”
“I don’t know! Don’t you see? My whole world has been overturned! For all I know I could have already visited your clinic about my concussion! Maybe I didn’t even have a concussion and I simply forgot the fact that I didn’t have a concussion because—uh—”
“Sir, why don’t you just come down to the clinic. We’re on St. Mary’s Street right by the driving school.”
“OK. Thank you.”
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Honest Abe
CHRISTIAN
Tonight’s a very special show for us here at BU Tonight. This marks our 200th anniversary. Thanks. So to celebrate 200 years of late night comedy, we decided to dip into our vaults and show you one of the clips that we’re most proud of in the history of the show. Here’s a little something from 1862.
CUT TO
CHRISTIAN, with a Civil War moustache, sitting across from ABRAHAM LINCOLN, wearing his trademark stovepipe hat.
CHRISTIAN
The South wants to secede. Why are you fighting so hard to keep the Union together?
LINCOLN
Well, Christian, the strength of both the northern and southern states depends on our staying together. I truly believe that a house divided against itself cannot stand.
CHRISTIAN
Mmm hmm. That’s a nice hat.
LINCOLN
(laughing sheepishly)
Well thank you.
CHRISTIAN
I’ve never seen you without it. It’s kind of your trademark.
LINCOLN
I guess so.
CHRISTIAN
Can I try it on?
LINCOLN
I—I don’t think so.
CHRISTIAN
Why not? Just for a second.
LINCOLN
I said no!
There is a struggle for the hat. Finally, CHRISTIAN pulls off the hat, revealing a second head on top of LINCOLN’s.
CHRISTIAN
Oh my God! There’s another head in there!
HEAD
(panting)
Ah! Aaah! Emancipation!
LINCOLN
Give me that hat!
HEAD
Long live the Confederacy! Jefferson Davis for President!
LINCOLN
(swatting at the head, trying to shut it up)
Quiet! You’ll ruin everything!
HEAD
Robert E. Lee is an American hero! Lincoln’s a queer!
LINCOLN
I am not! Stop!
HEAD
(starting to lean to one side)
I’m tilting. I’m tilting. Help me.
LINCOLN’s body starts to sway along with the head. Lincoln falls over, out of his chair. CHRISTIAN helps him up, balancing the head.
LINCOLN
I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! As soon as I suspend habeas corpus I’m coming after you, Lynch.
HEAD
Mary Todd’s a Confederate spy!
Tonight’s a very special show for us here at BU Tonight. This marks our 200th anniversary. Thanks. So to celebrate 200 years of late night comedy, we decided to dip into our vaults and show you one of the clips that we’re most proud of in the history of the show. Here’s a little something from 1862.
CUT TO
CHRISTIAN, with a Civil War moustache, sitting across from ABRAHAM LINCOLN, wearing his trademark stovepipe hat.
CHRISTIAN
The South wants to secede. Why are you fighting so hard to keep the Union together?
LINCOLN
Well, Christian, the strength of both the northern and southern states depends on our staying together. I truly believe that a house divided against itself cannot stand.
CHRISTIAN
Mmm hmm. That’s a nice hat.
LINCOLN
(laughing sheepishly)
Well thank you.
CHRISTIAN
I’ve never seen you without it. It’s kind of your trademark.
LINCOLN
I guess so.
CHRISTIAN
Can I try it on?
LINCOLN
I—I don’t think so.
CHRISTIAN
Why not? Just for a second.
LINCOLN
I said no!
There is a struggle for the hat. Finally, CHRISTIAN pulls off the hat, revealing a second head on top of LINCOLN’s.
CHRISTIAN
Oh my God! There’s another head in there!
HEAD
(panting)
Ah! Aaah! Emancipation!
LINCOLN
Give me that hat!
HEAD
Long live the Confederacy! Jefferson Davis for President!
LINCOLN
(swatting at the head, trying to shut it up)
Quiet! You’ll ruin everything!
HEAD
Robert E. Lee is an American hero! Lincoln’s a queer!
LINCOLN
I am not! Stop!
HEAD
(starting to lean to one side)
I’m tilting. I’m tilting. Help me.
LINCOLN’s body starts to sway along with the head. Lincoln falls over, out of his chair. CHRISTIAN helps him up, balancing the head.
LINCOLN
I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! As soon as I suspend habeas corpus I’m coming after you, Lynch.
HEAD
Mary Todd’s a Confederate spy!
Friday, February 10, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Clippers
PRITCHARD: Timothy, come in here!
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I need some nail clippers.
TIMOTHY: To clip your nails, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes, they’re getting a bit long and I think it’s time for a clipping. Where do we keep the clippers?
TIMOTHY: I’ll bring them right to you, sir.
PRITCHARD: That should be fine.
[TIMOTHY sprints offstage at top speed and returns, also at top speed, almost immediately, holding two pairs of clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Here you are, sir. There are two pairs here for you to choose from.
PRITCHARD: Two pairs? Well how am I supposed to choose?
TIMOTHY: Whichever one you’d like, sir.
PRITCHARD: Are they identical?
TIMOTHY: Almost. I don’t think it would matter much either way which one you chose to tell you the truth.
PRITCHARD: Mmm hmm. Now you said they were almost identical—is that correct?
TIMOTHY: Yes. Their design appears to be the same.
PRITCHARD: Well what is this difference? I only ask because I need something on which to base my decision, and any difference will help make the decision easier and will ensure that I make the best decision.
TIMOTHY: I understand. The only difference I can see is that this one says “Mexico” and this one says “Made in Korea.”
PRITCHARD: The first one says “Made in Mexico?” Or just “Mexico?”
TIMOTHY: Just “Mexico,” sir. But the second one says “Made in Korea” in full.
PRITCHARD: I suppose the inclusion or exclusion of the “Made in” doesn’t make much of a difference. Although if it was a significantly large “Made in,” it could affect the overall feel and design of the clippers. Does the “Made in” appear large enough to affect the clipping itself, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: If there is a difference, it’s only negligible, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. I suppose the decision then comes down to the country itself. Korea and Mexico did you say?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. In that case, I’m going to have to choose Korea.
TIMOTHY: Because they’re manicurists, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes. Very good, Timothy. Bring over the Korean clippers, please.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. Here you are, sir. Shall I dispose of the Mexican clippers?
PRITCHARD: No, we’d better hold on to those. Perhaps we can barter them later in town.
TIMOTHY: I’ll put them back in the drawer, sir. But in the lower drawer so we don’t get confused.
PRITCHARD: An excellent idea, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I need some nail clippers.
TIMOTHY: To clip your nails, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes, they’re getting a bit long and I think it’s time for a clipping. Where do we keep the clippers?
TIMOTHY: I’ll bring them right to you, sir.
PRITCHARD: That should be fine.
[TIMOTHY sprints offstage at top speed and returns, also at top speed, almost immediately, holding two pairs of clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Here you are, sir. There are two pairs here for you to choose from.
PRITCHARD: Two pairs? Well how am I supposed to choose?
TIMOTHY: Whichever one you’d like, sir.
PRITCHARD: Are they identical?
TIMOTHY: Almost. I don’t think it would matter much either way which one you chose to tell you the truth.
PRITCHARD: Mmm hmm. Now you said they were almost identical—is that correct?
TIMOTHY: Yes. Their design appears to be the same.
PRITCHARD: Well what is this difference? I only ask because I need something on which to base my decision, and any difference will help make the decision easier and will ensure that I make the best decision.
TIMOTHY: I understand. The only difference I can see is that this one says “Mexico” and this one says “Made in Korea.”
PRITCHARD: The first one says “Made in Mexico?” Or just “Mexico?”
TIMOTHY: Just “Mexico,” sir. But the second one says “Made in Korea” in full.
PRITCHARD: I suppose the inclusion or exclusion of the “Made in” doesn’t make much of a difference. Although if it was a significantly large “Made in,” it could affect the overall feel and design of the clippers. Does the “Made in” appear large enough to affect the clipping itself, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: If there is a difference, it’s only negligible, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. I suppose the decision then comes down to the country itself. Korea and Mexico did you say?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. In that case, I’m going to have to choose Korea.
TIMOTHY: Because they’re manicurists, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes. Very good, Timothy. Bring over the Korean clippers, please.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. Here you are, sir. Shall I dispose of the Mexican clippers?
PRITCHARD: No, we’d better hold on to those. Perhaps we can barter them later in town.
TIMOTHY: I’ll put them back in the drawer, sir. But in the lower drawer so we don’t get confused.
PRITCHARD: An excellent idea, Timothy.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Written in my notebook, approx. 5:04 PM
Last words of one about to be executed, to his executioner:
"I boned your daughter"
"I boned your daughter"
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Answers found on fraternity tests (or why you should make sure you have all your paperwork with you before you leave a public conference room)
In your own words, please explain the meaning of brotherhood.
Brotherhood is a special link among men. Men in a brotherhood look out for one another, like the man in the Bridge Builder. Brothers share a deep commradery where no matter what you do, you will always have the brotherhood there for you.
Like the name implies, the link among men in a brotherhood is similar to the link shared in a family. Brothers will help each other out; brothers will have arguments and fights; brothers hid nothing from each other.
-Nathaniel Steiger
Why do you want to be a part of this fraternity?
I want to be in this fraternity because it is now my home on campus. The brothers are my family, I look out for them and they look out for me. I could not see my life without them, they make me laugh, encourage me to exceed in school and life, and they have helped me (in one semester) to become a better person. I love every one of the brothers of T. E. Phi, they are now my family, and hopefully always will be.
-John (Nipples) Rankim
Brotherhood is a special link among men. Men in a brotherhood look out for one another, like the man in the Bridge Builder. Brothers share a deep commradery where no matter what you do, you will always have the brotherhood there for you.
Like the name implies, the link among men in a brotherhood is similar to the link shared in a family. Brothers will help each other out; brothers will have arguments and fights; brothers hid nothing from each other.
-Nathaniel Steiger
Why do you want to be a part of this fraternity?
I want to be in this fraternity because it is now my home on campus. The brothers are my family, I look out for them and they look out for me. I could not see my life without them, they make me laugh, encourage me to exceed in school and life, and they have helped me (in one semester) to become a better person. I love every one of the brothers of T. E. Phi, they are now my family, and hopefully always will be.
-John (Nipples) Rankim
Monday, January 30, 2006
Charles Barkley on the recent Celtics trade
"This deal totally shifts the balance of power in the East. Now we can add the Celtics to the list of teams that UConn could beat."
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Is that so/So bad
CHRISTIAN
How are you doing, Joe?
JOE
Eh.
CHRISTIAN
Yeah. Well I didn’t sleep well last night.
JOE
Is that so?
CHRISTIAN
Yeah. Yeah.
JOE
Sorry. I guess I just don’t care.
CHRISTIAN
What?
JOE
I don’t care how you slept, Christian. Well or otherwise.
CHRISTIAN
Well—I’m sorry. I won’t mention it again.
JOE
Thank you.
___________
CHRISTIAN
A new study shows that the literacy rates of college graduates are declining. We figured this was something we needed to research, so I took a camera and went out on the street to—
JOE
I’m going to murder you when you fall asleep, Christian.
CHRISTIAN
Jesus Christ, Joe, what did you say?
JOE
Oh. What? Nothing. Nothing.
CHRISTIAN
OK, well as I was saying—
JOE
That’s right, Christian. Nothing is afoot. Fall asleep in your little bed, confident that you’re safe and sound and that no one is watching, watching, waiting for just the perfect moment to strike and shatter your pretty little dreamland once and for all! No, Christian Lynch, you won’t live to see the morning. Not if I have anything to say about it! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
CHRISTIAN
Joe, what are you talking about?
JOE
Huh? Nothing. I didn’t say anything.
CHRISTIAN
Joe, I could hear you, you were making explicit threats against my life.
JOE
Nah.
CHRISTIAN
Yes, you were.
JOE
No thanks.
CHRISTIAN
Joe, you said you were going to kill me. Now are you going to do it when I’m sleeping like a coward?
CHRISTIAN pulls a revolver out of his desk.
CHRISTIAN
(con’t)
Or are we going to settle this like men?
JOE
What did you have in mind?
CHRISTIAN
Pistols at dawn. Ten paces.
JOE
Nah. Never mind. Forget I said anything.
CHRISTIAN
Are you sure?
JOE
Yes.
CHRISTIAN
All right. That’s much better. Well we’re short on time, so—
JOE
I am going to murder you so bad.
CHRISTIAN
Stop!
How are you doing, Joe?
JOE
Eh.
CHRISTIAN
Yeah. Well I didn’t sleep well last night.
JOE
Is that so?
CHRISTIAN
Yeah. Yeah.
JOE
Sorry. I guess I just don’t care.
CHRISTIAN
What?
JOE
I don’t care how you slept, Christian. Well or otherwise.
CHRISTIAN
Well—I’m sorry. I won’t mention it again.
JOE
Thank you.
___________
CHRISTIAN
A new study shows that the literacy rates of college graduates are declining. We figured this was something we needed to research, so I took a camera and went out on the street to—
JOE
I’m going to murder you when you fall asleep, Christian.
CHRISTIAN
Jesus Christ, Joe, what did you say?
JOE
Oh. What? Nothing. Nothing.
CHRISTIAN
OK, well as I was saying—
JOE
That’s right, Christian. Nothing is afoot. Fall asleep in your little bed, confident that you’re safe and sound and that no one is watching, watching, waiting for just the perfect moment to strike and shatter your pretty little dreamland once and for all! No, Christian Lynch, you won’t live to see the morning. Not if I have anything to say about it! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
CHRISTIAN
Joe, what are you talking about?
JOE
Huh? Nothing. I didn’t say anything.
CHRISTIAN
Joe, I could hear you, you were making explicit threats against my life.
JOE
Nah.
CHRISTIAN
Yes, you were.
JOE
No thanks.
CHRISTIAN
Joe, you said you were going to kill me. Now are you going to do it when I’m sleeping like a coward?
CHRISTIAN pulls a revolver out of his desk.
CHRISTIAN
(con’t)
Or are we going to settle this like men?
JOE
What did you have in mind?
CHRISTIAN
Pistols at dawn. Ten paces.
JOE
Nah. Never mind. Forget I said anything.
CHRISTIAN
Are you sure?
JOE
Yes.
CHRISTIAN
All right. That’s much better. Well we’re short on time, so—
JOE
I am going to murder you so bad.
CHRISTIAN
Stop!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Yeah OK so you're going to watch this
Background: I just saw a story on the news about a book about potty training with Sesame Street's Elmo that is supposed to say "Uh oh, who has to go?" But, basically, it doesn't.
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